In the space of about a day, I’d had more panic attacks than I had in maybe the last ten years. Between them, I was either too high to remember my own name, or crying my eyes out. Jeanette, bless her, did her best to look after me, but I can’t have made it much of an easy task for her. I was grateful for it, though. If she hadn’t been there, I don’t know what I would’ve done. I wouldn’t have stuck to my promise not to go find Kyle, at any rate.
“How long’s he been missing now?” Jeanette asked as I hit another period of total freaking out.
“’Bout two days,” I told her, trying to stop myself from hyperventilating, “M’not sure.”
“Maybe we should call the cops, sweetie.”
“Will they find him?” I asked, looking up at her, my eyes wide. I hadn’t told her that daddy had him. I didn’t want anyone else to have to know about him.
“I hope so.”
“I miss him,” I cried, bursting into tears.
“I know you do,” she wrapped me in a hug and I buried my face in her neck. I was kinda glad it was Jeanette that was here, actually. Damien and Phil had never seen me freaking out before, and while Jeanette hadn’t seen me this bad before, she had met me in a pretty bad state, so I didn’t feel like I had to hide how shit I was feeling. She kept cuddling me until I was calm enough to speak again.
“Can you call them?” I put the begging face on, ‘cause I realised just how out of it I was and they’d probably come over to do me for drugs instead of help me find my husband.
“Sure.” While she was on the phone to them, I started hiding all my gear in the bedroom, checking for stuff I might’ve left out. “They’re coming round in a little while.” My breathing hitched, and suddenly I wasn’t convinced anything was hidden properly. Jeanette started helping me hide it all, but I moved it all around again, convinced they would find it no matter where I put it.
“Rayn, they’re coming about Kyle, not to do a drug raid.”
“But they’ll see me and know. It’s hard not to notice,” I told her, gesturing to how shitty I looked and the track marks on the backs of my hands and all up my arms. They were hideously obvious marks of a regular user, and I suddenly wished I could hide them better.
“Go have a shower and make yourself look pretty, wear something with long sleeves and I’ll distract them with these if they start asking questions,” she told me, with a gesture to her boobs. I thanked her and scuttled off into the shower, feeling like some sort of disgusting sewer creature that was about to be inspected. I did as I was told, noticing she was cleaning up the mess I’d made the night before as I crept into the bedroom to find something with long sleeves. I pulled on a pair of skinny jeans and one of Kyle’s hoodies even though it was way too big for me. It smelt of him and I could snuggle into it.
When I was done feeding Scruffles, I shuffled out of the bedroom to find the cops walking in. I went and sat down on the sofa, hugging my knees. They asked me all the questions I guess they usually ask when someone’s gone missing, and asked me for a photo of him. I went and dug around under the bed for the photo album I’ve got of us. I know, it’s cheesy, but I liked having lots of photos of us. I found one of him on his own and handed it over, tearing up. I sat back down, snuggling into Jeanette as she gave me another hug, barely noticing as the cop I gave the photo to thanked me. Once they were done, they let themselves out, leaving Jeanette to look after me.
A couple days passed, and nothing changed: I was still panicking and not coping at all. Jeanette couldn’t always be here to look after me, since she had to go to work. When I was on my own, I seriously considered breaking my promise to Kyle. I had to find him. Daddy wouldn’t kill him, I knew that much, but he was hurting my gorgeous Kyle. He’d never done anything to daddy – he didn’t deserve this.
My phone started ringing and I glanced over at it. It wasn’t a number I recognised.
“Hello?” I answered, expecting it to be someone after drugs. I’d been slacking a bit at the whole drug dealing thing the last few days.
“Baby,” daddy growled. My stomach sank. “You the longer you take to come give yourself back to me, the more I hurt your precious Kyle, don’t you?”
“Yes daddy,” I pretty much whispered, closing my eyes and trying not to think of just how badly he’d hurt him.
“You know you should just come to me, right?”
“Yes daddy, but-”
“There’re no buts,” he cut me off, “you need to be with me. You can’t look after yourself, and Kyle doesn’t have what it takes to care for you either. You need to come home.” His voice was all stern and commanding and I felt myself trying to cringe away from the phone even though he wasn’t near me. “Come to the park,” he softened his tone, “I’ll be there in half an hour. I’ve missed you, baby.” He hung up. I dropped my phone, suddenly too shaky to keep hold of it.
When I’d stopped shivering, I stood up, took a hit of smack to numb my mind against what I was doing, and walked to the park. I’m sorry, Kyle.