I wanted to be able to have sex with my husband, okay? So I had to sneak a line to two in somewhere between getting off stage and getting back to him, but c’mon, can you blame me? I wanted to forget about Matt and my dad and just enjoy the moment.
In fact, I managed to forget about them both until a couple of nights later when they both featured in a nightmare at the same time, working together to chase me down. One of them got hold of me and I sunk my teeth into whatever I could reach of him, biting harder when he tried to shake me off. His hand gripped my shoulder, shaking me a little harder, so I reached up and attacked his arm, gnawing on it as hard as I could.
“Rayn, wake up,” someone said. I half opened my eyes and panicked. I was covered up with something heavy. I clawed at it, tugging it down over my face so I could breathe and figure out where I was. “Gorgeous, it’s me,” the voice said and I looked up, realising it was indeed Kyle. I’d just shuffled down the bed and buried myself under the comforter in my sleep. Fuck. Well that’s not embarrassing at all. I just had to hope that I hadn’t ended up biting him in my dream. I did my best to calm down after that, trying to make my heart stop feeling like it was about to break out of my ribcage.
Smiling, Kyle ran his hand through my hair, telling me it was okay when I mumbled a quiet apology. I snuggled into him, staying where I was near his belly. My hand brushed over his hip, bringing a few deep bite marks to my attention. I ran my ringer along a couple of them, looking up at him with wide eyes.
"I didn't hurt you too bad did I?"
"No," he said with a smile.
"M'sorry," I said again, burying my head in his stomach.
"It's okay, silly." It didn’t feel very okay. He didn’t deserve to get bitten just because I couldn’t control what went on in my head when I slept.
“I didn’t mean to,” I whined.
“Don’t worry about it,” he told me. It was surprisingly hard to get out of the mindset that people like my dad and Matt put me in. I had to put a lot of effort into not trying to ‘make it up’ to him. I think I must’ve been half asleep still somewhere in my head, because that part of me was convinced I was in for some kind of punishment whether I made it up to him or not.
I just clung to him, my face pressed into his stomach as he played with my hair.
“D’you think Matt will forget he’s mad at me if I stay away long enough?” I asked eventually. I wasn’t what you’d call hopeful that he really would, but it’d be nice to think about going home and not want to instantly run further away.
“Really?” I asked, this hopeful look slipping onto my face despite everything.
“Mhm,” he smiled.
"But... he liked you, so maybe that's why he left you alone. What if he doesn't forget, 'cause he doesn't like me?"
"Trust me, he didn't leave me alone because he liked me." I shuffled up and used Kyle’s shoulder as a pillow.
“So he really might just leave me alone?” Kyle nodded. I started fidgeting. I couldn’t help it. I was excited at the thought of not having to worry about him anymore. It was like that total cliché of having some huge weight lifted off me. Kyle didn’t seem to understand why I was suddenly unable to stay still, his eyebrow arched in confusion, but I didn’t care. If I didn’t have to worry about Matt, if he wouldn’t be constantly harassing me anymore, I’d be able to get back to sorting my life out, get a job, get back to dealing with my constant need for drugs, get back on track with recovering and being able to have some sort of a proper life with Kyle. Without Matt, I’d be able to stop panicking about sex again, and maybe even enjoy it without being high again.
Now all I had to hope was that I’d been gone long enough for him to have given up with me by the time we got back.