After everything that had happened, what with Matt and Kyle both managing to get to me somehow, I kinda wanted to get away. I doubted I would. It’d been so long since I’d last run off that I’d almost forgotten how easy it was to just disappear and clear my head.
I hadn’t forgotten how much things like that fuck with my sleep though. I’d gotten back at maybe about midnight, and managed to sleep until maybe three in the morning before my mind decided it’d had enough of being quiet and stuck a few flashbacks of Matt pinning me down on that bed and Kyle whoring around with that dealer in my head and woke me up.
Carefully, I untangled myself from Kyle and the comforter and got Scruffles out, nuzzling him gently for a bit of comfort. The two of us put a Disney film on quietly and tried to settle down on the sofa, but Scruffles was the only one that got back to sleep. I fidgeted around, trying to get comfy, got a spare blanket, got changed into a baggy top and leggings, played with my hair, had a shower, anything to try and occupy myself, but nothing seemed to really make me want to go back to sleep. I spent a long time staring at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, wondering what it was about me that made people act the way they did around me.
I put make up on half my face, trying to decide which half I liked better. Honey or Rayn? I couldn’t really decide. I got into some kind of trouble whether I was Honey or Rayn anyway. Part of my brain was tempted by the idea of running away and being someone else altogether, somewhere where no one knew me or who I’d been before. Maybe I’d even move to another country. I don’t have much of a criminal record, just a couple drink driving offences – nothing serious. I could be someone new in an entirely different continent. But then I didn’t know how I’d cope on my own again, and I didn’t want to hurt Kyle, even if he’d hurt me before. So I scrubbed off the makeup and went back to staring at my reflection.
Another part of me wanted crayons. Maybe if I just scribbled stuff like I know Damien used to in therapy, I’d feel better. It didn’t help when I did find some. I binned the shitty drawings, yawning and trying to feed a grumpy squirrel at the same time.
By the time Kyle woke up in the late morning, I’d put Scruffles away and shot up, just to try and make myself feel human.
"Rayn?" I heard Kyle say when he realised I wasn’t in the bed anymore. I listened as he got up, wandering around til he spotted me. "You look like crap," he said as I looked up at him. Clearly I looked as exhausted as I felt. "Did you sleep at all?"
“Few hours,” I nodded.
He kissed the top of my head, "Go have a nap or something?"
“I can't get back to sleep," I mumbled.
“How come?” he asked me, playing with my hair. It still hadn’t grown enough. Maybe when it got as far as my shoulders it’d be okay. I shrugged. “Want me to get you a hot chocolate or something?" I shook my head.
“I’m okay, thanks.”
He kissed my cheek. "Sorry about yesterday." I just shrugged again. “You okay?”
“M’fine,” I told him, not caring how obvious the lie was. He didn’t say anything, despite the look of disbelief on his face. He just went back to playing with my hair again. I leant on him, trying to take comfort, in spite of the images my mind had come up with in my sleep.
"Try and have a nap, gorgeous," he said. I shook my head. “Why not?”
“Nightmares,” I muttered.
"Wanna talk about it?"
“Not really,” I muttered, curling up.
“Sure? It might help.”
I cuddled a cushion against me, wondering whether to tell him or not. What if it pissed him off? I mean, I know he doesn’t have much of a temper, but... I dunno. “You remember how before I used to dream about you leaving me?” He nodded. “After last night, I just got all paranoid that I’m not good enough. You didn’t seem like you could be bothered with me ‘cause I didn’t wanna have sex. I’m being stupid, I guess, but I couldn’t help remembering how you said that you’d probably end up cheating on me or something, and now I’m scared ‘cause all my nightmares are about that.” I shut up then. I felt like I was rambling and not making much sense. It made sense to me, but then I was off my tits on heroin.
He cuddled me as best he could where I was all curled up around my cushion, "I'm not gonna cheat on you. I love you too much for that." I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what there was to say, really. All I could think about was how I saw him with a bunch of other guys, having more fun with them than he ever would with me. "I'm sorry for making you worry,” he told me, kissing the top of my head.
“S’okay,” I said quietly.
"No it's not."
“Because I made you think you weren't good enough when that's not true."
“My fault for being so fucking neurotic,” I laughed weakly.
"It's not your fault.” It feels like it. I was beginning to regret telling him about my dreams. I wasn’t gonna tell him about the ones featuring Matt. He would never know about them. Never. As I tightened my grip on my cushion, I felt Kyle’s fingers twisting around my hair again. It didn’t seem to make my head shut up, and when he pulled out the sad face, I felt kinda sick. I’d upset the person I cared about most. Not only that, but I’d been so worried about him cheating on me, I didn’t even stop to think about how I’d cheated on him. I know it hadn’t strictly been my choice, but I’d still fucked someone else. The sick feeling in my stomach rose until I couldn’t keep whatever I’d eaten out of boredom down any longer.
Abandoning my cushion, I pretty much ran to the bathroom, just about managing to get the contents of my stomach in the toilet. Kyle followed me like the fucking saint he is and rubbed my back, looking after me as I threw up until all there was left in me was acid and air. Fuck, if he ever found out I’d let Matt... He’d never forgive me.