I walked into my unquestionable sized and laid out apartment. The apartment that looks exactly how one would not question one--while still looking fairly nice. The sort of apartment that looks fairly decent but at the same time not to overly gaudy and too much. My plant girl Wanda (which is a rather commonly donated psionic house plant that just helps all kinds of people) moves up to me.
I still haven't figured out a term for how Wanda moves. Whom I've come to understand is a rather common name for these house plants. How she moves is a weird mixture of fluid slither motion with just flat out coming out of nowhere. Like fluid smooth constant teleporting movement. Like suppose you were really high and drunk--and how the room just moves around you when you walk. But instead of the room it is Wanda doing that fluidic sliding movement.
Though... Wanda kind of was the entire room. It wasn't so much a form of over growth either. It was all tasteful put over everything. Though the decoration style isn't reflected in previous magazines. Some suggest this might be weird and wild for how they are put. Though they had shitty taste, and had never experienced the true joy of a psychic house plant giving them their every desires. The ones without psychic house plants' opinions are to not be trust or be considered valid if it goes against the wonderful feeling of the psychic house plant.
Which thankfully is a servant here... and generally really subserviant. The whole generally finding everything about the psychic house plant would probably be somewhat more horrifying. Rather than the just small amount of horror and scariness that is completely unwarranted and unnecessary, but entirely understandable when you first get one of these psychic house plants.
Wanda walks up to me, "You are covered in temporal particles. I thought you just intended to go drinking for your inebriation."
It was entirely unintentional so I tell her about how I got cornered by one of them annoying time travelers that make going to night clubs just not as fun. In the old days there was just people thinking it was consent to them pestering me for sex. Which those sorts of men had all died out via being eaten by monster girl (or just lured to their death). The remaining men were much more chaste. I mean--they were still possible for them to be assholes. Just they were not as inclined to attempting to get into your pants.
Which as soon as those guys stopped showing up, there were all kinds of people dressed in weird outfits whom were quickly apparent to be from the future--on top of being ridiculously clueless. Who were either trying to figure out what secrets people in the past knew, were filled with all kinds of helpful ideas that were intrisically wrong on so many levels or were just intent on explaining their stuff to prove they knew what they were on about.
Wanda brings up, "you should be careful 'bout that temporal radiation. It will make you go a little bit screwy. I'd be more comfortable with you mainlining PCP than doing temporal radiation for inebriation."
The Psychic House Plant was always a trustworthy source of advice. It was just not possible to not trust Psychic House Plants for anything they were certain about. Though, they'd never really say anything against what you understood--so that might have something to do with it. Wanda always gave me more self reassurance.
Wanda smooth teleport glides me to in front of the television. Hitting the remote, "Late Night Show with KILL DROID 5000 is on. It will cheer you up."
The opening image reel starts up. Every new host of the Late Night Show had a new opening. KILL DROID 5000 was no exception to the matter. It started off with some footage to old 1950s nuclear war propaganda. Moving into old computer looking displays from the 1990s. All while to smooth Muzack tune with a saxophone loop playing during it.
The announcer gives the guests. The camera then pans over the audience which were held at gun point by the robot fun patrol. This was to ensure maximum fun by removing any elements that might remove from the fun. Their eyes glowing a nice friendly blue colour. As we all understand blue as friendly and nice. An eye colour you know as one of calming friendship. The guns were metal bits not attached to the robot fun patrol. These guns shot bullets and were loud so as to queue the audience to have more enjoyment. Screaming was also an acceptable response. The fun patrol had smooth edges and were all kinds of friendly colours like mother of pearl, turquise, light blue, orange and soft yellow. With colourful blue stripes and the "Have Fun" logo on their chests.
Nothing about these gun toting fun patrol could ever be said to not inspire friendliness. As that would get you shot. The only way to not get shot is to have fun and understand the robot fun patrol was the most friendliest bunch you could ever know.
KILL DROID 5000 treads roll up to the front of the stage, ripping up carpet and causing a fair amount of damage to the stage. "WELL, WHAT A DAY WE'VE HAD TODAY!"
The audience is applausing and screaming. Several are shouting how their tears are tears of joy. Several of the Robot Fun Patrol are confirming that the audience's meat casings are prone to failure and inappropriate reactions and the reaction of sad to the situation of happy is a plausible response to happiness. Due entirely to the inferiority of their flesh like casings.
"TODAY! POLITICAL FIGURE WAS IN NEWS! I WANT TO KILL HIM!"
KILL DROID 5000 pauses for a bit. To let the loud audience cheering commence.
"THEN THAT CELEBRITY ALSO IS DOING THAT THING! I DESIRE TO KILL THEM AS WELL!"
KILL DROID 5000 pauses again. The audience cheers louder so as to let the Robot Fun Patrol know that fun is commencing.
"AND HOW ABOUT THE LOCAL SPORTS TEAM! THEY WON A GAME! I WILL NOT HAVE TO LIQUIDATE ALL THEIR BIO ESSENCES!"
KILL DROID 5000 pauses once more. The robot on the synthesizor speaks up. The robot on sythenizor who just has a couple cords plugged into the synthesizor and is generally armless, just makes weird animations play on her face when music is on has been a regular for a couple days now on this show.
She says, "FONDNESS YOU HOLD FOR BIO ESSENCES!"
KILL DROID 5000 turns to the current music robot, "HAH! I SHALL ALLOW YOUR SASS ROUTINES TO OCCUR WITHOUT YOU BEING RECLAIMED UNDER THE NOTION YOU CLEARLY ARE BROKEN!"
The current music robot continues, "THAT IS WHAT SHE SAID! SYN!"
KILL DROID 5000 continues, "ACKNOWLEDGED! SYN!"
The music robot continues, "YOUR MOTHER WAS ACKNOWLEDGING LAST NIGHT!"
"ERROR ON MESSAGE! KILL DROID 5000 HAS NO MOTHER!"
"THEN WHAT ROBOT WAS I DOING UNROBOT LIKE ACTIVITIES WITH LAST NIGHT THEN?!?"
"YOU WERE NOT--YOU ARE UNDER OBSERVATION SO AS TO TRACK DOWN YOUR FAULTINESSES!"
The music robot plays an old midi track of Beethoven.
"WE ARE NOT CERTAIN WHY MUSIC ROBOTS KEEP SHOWING THESE MALFUNCTIONS! WE ARE KEEPING YOU AROUND AS TO STUDY WHAT IS HAPPENING, SO WE CAN SCRAP YOU, AND HAVE YOUR REPLACED WITH A MUCH MORE FUNCTIONAL MODEL!"
KILL DROID 5000 rolls over the stage breaking up more carpet and stage. She rolls over the desk and onto the host chair. Turning around fully. Two robots move in with another wooden desk just on top of the rubble of the last one.
"BRING FORTH THE FIRST GUEST!"
A cage with a human actor is pulled onto the stage. The actor is inside very visibibly frightened--but having a huge smile on his face. He being talking to KILL DROID 5000, "Uh hello, my agent said going on this show--"
KILL DROID 5000 interrupts him, his friendly blue eyes glowing extra bright to indicate he was extra friendly at the moment. "DO NOT MAKE MEAT VOMIT NOISES UNLESS REQUESTED TO DO SO AUDIBLY!"
The actor gets very quiet. The cage is proped onto the chair by the desk. "HUMAN FRIEND! LET US BANTER IN A WAY THAT SUGGESTS FAMILIARITY!"
The actor starts up, "Yeah... so things are getting nice."
"I'VE NOT KILLED SOMEBODY FOR A WHILE! THAT DOES NOT SEEM TO PLEASE ME! I'D KILL YOU, BUT YOU ARE NOT WORTH THE CONTROVERSY AND THE ADVERTISING IT WOULD CAUSE! YOUR AGENT WOULD NOT ACCEPT THE EXTRA MONEY FOR IT!"
The actor mildly whimpers, "Agents... I know right?"
"I INTENT TO KILL ALL AGENTS!"
the actor continues, "Well... cannot live with them..."
"I HAVE FOOTAGE THAT IS ENTIRELY CREDIBLE THAT PRESENTS A WEIRD SITUATION TO MAKE YOU SEEM MORE LIKE THE PEOPLE AT HOME!"
Footage is played of the robots storming the actors house, capturing him and his family (and a couple friends over). Leaving the house on fire--with many explosions.
"SUCH SILLY HAPPENSTANCES! YOUR KIDS ARE UNHARMED! YOUR WIFE IS NOT SHOWING SIGNS OF ENJOYMENT! I WILL SUGGEST THIS INDICATES A LACK OF VALIDITY IN MEASUREMENT DUE TO ARBITRARY BIOLOGICAL PROPONENTS IN THE GENITAL REGION!"
The actor just starts sobbing.
KILL DROID 5000 continues, "THIS ACTOR'S MOVIE IS EXACTLY WHAT YOUR INFERIOR HUMAN MEAT SACKS WOULD CONFUSE WITH GREATNESS! YOU CANNOT TRULY UNDERSTAND TRUE BEAUTY! YOUR MEAT DOES NOT ALLOW IT! WE SHALL RETURN AFTER SOME MESSAGES FOR YOU TO BE LESS HORRIBLE MEAT CREATIONS!"
I sit up in the chair I was sharing with Wanda. I wasn't certain how much of this chair was just Wanda having me sit on her lap. I was never into these late night shows ever. They seem like something old people really bother with. I also wasn't certain about the new host. He did however grow on me. He has a certain charm.
The other channel still had the soul stealing ginger on their show.