I woke back up at night, realising I had spent a whole day and a night asleep on the couch. It didn’t stop me thinking, there was something strange here something I had seen before like I knew Lazarus, like I knew exactly who he was. I had managed to put my finger on it eventually, by the time the day was over I would imagine. Only problem was I didn’t know if he wanted to see me. I didn’t know if he ever wanted to see my face again.
I woke, went upstairs and took that shower again. I changed into a red ballerina dress that was cut to my knees, slipping on my heels too. It may look dressy, but, I don’t really do ‘casual’ I think it’s important to always look your best. I lingered for a while at my door. He didn’t want to see me... Bane definitely didn’t. After a while I managed to silence the other person in my head and step out into the night air. People were clutching their coats around them, so I’m guessing it was quite cold. I took a breath and knocked on his door. “Before you say anything, I’m only here to ask one question.”
“I’m fine, how’re you?” Wait, what? I sniffed the air. A mix of various alcoholic fumes hit my nose; I knew he liked to drink... but now I definitely knew he had a problem. Lazarus...
“You’ve been drinking,” overpowering amounts by the smell, amounts that could kill a few humans. This wasn’t my fault, was it? I hadn’t pushed him into drinking.
“No I haven’t,” of course you haven’t... this is not the time for this... I couldn’t talk to him heart to heart while he was lying to me and pumped full of alcohol.
“I’ll come back then...” even as I said I was leaving he couldn’t quite understand, he stood back to let me in. I watched him for a little while, I couldn’t quite refuse... I didn’t know why I felt as if something would happen if I did turn and walk away. I walked in cautiously... what was wrong with him?
“Want anything?” He asked. I presumed he meant to drink, or eat... I looked at him. How could he have forgotten that? I’m sure if he’d asked Bane he would’ve been reminded how I was a leech.
He walked into the kitchen and I followed him, to make sure he didn’t do anything with any sharp utensils. I stood in the doorway as he announced he had something for me. I watched him... in the kitchen? He pulled out something and placed it on the side. A bunch of unlabeled blood bags... I guess he hadn’t forgotten I was a blood-sucker. I couldn’t help but wonder though. What the fuck was he doing? What was this... a spontaneous gesture due to his drunkenness? I wasn’t sure if he was mocking me or trying to just be... I don’t know. “What is this?” I murmured, trying not to swear. Would I slam a half dead dear on his counter with its neck slit and blood dripping on the floor?
“You won’t be stealing it that way,” I froze, going as pale as I could. I even dropped the fake breathing.
“This is yours?” I felt sick; I didn’t want to drink from him in the first place... I definitely didn’t want to make it a regular occurrence.
“Yeah, there’s more in the fridge,” he showed me, his fridge full of unmarked bags of crimson ooze. I put my hand to my mouth and turned away.
“I think I might be sick,” I never fought my gag reflex before, but it made itself all too real to me, “What did you do?” One of the worse things about it was that he smiled at me as if he had just given me a diamond necklace.
"So you won't be hungry and Bane won't be pissed at you."
"Lazarus, I could never accept these... this is wrong."
"I don't want to drink you. Once, at a push, that was it. This is ridiculous." I felt like screaming at him, what was he thinking... I didn’t even want to think how he had drained himself to fill this many bags. I still felt sick, if I could I would’ve drank water, which led to me staring at the blood even more.
"It's not ridiculous at all. You won't have to hunt humans, you won't have to bite me – it’s perfect."
"I would rather slaughter humans than do this,” I looked at him, he was such an idiot... such a goddamn fucking idiot.
"Why? That makes no sense."
"I DON'T WANT TO FEED FROM YOU!” How many times did I have to tell him? How many times must I say that to him? How... many... times? “Damn it, I love you. I don't want to pull you down to this." Shock painted his face and I hid mine from him, "Was this what I've lowered you to? A walking, alcoholic blood bank? Is this what I've done to you?” I stared at him, stared at the mess I had created, stared at the man who suddenly just snapped.
He started throwing the bags in the bin and I still couldn’t quite grasp why he had done it in the first place. "No. I'm not an alcoholic. Why do people keep saying I am?" He’s in denial... my patience was about to be tested, I couldn’t just walk away from him... from this. No, I had stick this one through... even if he would be the final death of me.
"Lazarus, look at the empty bottle around you. I can smell the alcohol. I came over to ask you about something and you pull me into this? Would you have done this had you been sober?"
"I probably would've found something else to do. And I was sober," he opened a blood bag and it didn’t really smell like alcohol, but I could taste it, that sweet, sticky, luxurious, silky, smooth substance..."See?”
I felt my pupils dilate and I staggered back, my fingers turning into a type of claw as I backed against the wall. "Get it away from me." He threw it with the others and some spilt on the floor, I had to walk away and my heart even began to pound in my chest, "Fuck it, fuck it, no, no." I looked down, a growl in my throat. The beast inside me was bursting through, I couldn’t hold it. I snarled. “I am not a monster!” I told myself, my voice harsh and bestial. “But... I can still smell it!” I screamed.
He threw a bag to me and I clawed at it, tearing it apart and lapping up the contents. I stared up at him, hearing his heart, smelling the blood. He threw me another and I was like a rabid dog with fresh meat as I tore at it. The second was enough for me to push the beast back, regain control, if not with some insane mutterings: I'm not a monster, I'm not a monster, I'm not a monster, I'm not a monster, I'm not a monster, I'm not a monster . I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I’m not."
“I know, you’re like me. That’s why I was trying to help you,” I wasn’t trying to convince you. I was trying to convince myself, I know I’m a monster, a beast... I feed off human’s life force and I can hear them slowly die when I do... I had a dark beast within me and it did not talk like Bane, it was nothing like Bane, it’s darker, eviler, hungrier.
"You made me turn! You pushed that disgusting stuff in front of me, you turned me..."
"I was trying to prove to you that I was sober. M'sorry"
"You bastard!" I punched the wall in my fury and made a nice little hole. He remained quiet and I had to think of my etiquette lessons to truly become how I was when I first walked in. To say all I wanted to do was ask him a question and I almost tore him apart. I hate myself, so, so much.