I realised that we would never be together like we were without starting over. While I slept, I saw images of Isis in my mind’s eye. “Let me do this... for you.” I didn’t know whether to trust her though, I mean, she was in my head I was probably dreaming it. But something told me I wasn’t, that, in fact she was real and there and she would do this. But, what would happen? “Your children disappear. You forget everything that happened up until when you became a human. Your last memory will be the last one when you were a vampire. As will Lazarus’.” No, I couldn’t just rip his emotions from him like that again. But, he wouldn’t remember, people wouldn’t exist... could that even happen? Just pulling people out of existence like that? They were not meant to exist anyway. What do you mean? She explained, then, what had happened, why I had switched through species so many times. But, I didn’t feel angry, I just displaced the blame... it wasn’t my fault anymore and, I still trusted her to do this. I didn’t know why, but I felt like she wanted to right everything, just as I did.
I slipped back to my conscious sleep then, she left me and I became aware of what was around me like I did before. Always I knew what was happening around me when I slept, it was a defence mechanism. I was not disturbed though, it was nice... this bed smelt like Lazarus. But when I woke, he was not there, I figured he wouldn’t. He was downstairs. Drunk, Isis’ idea would not be good enough. He needs his whole memory wiping and if I have to, I’ll be the same. This would not work otherwise.
I snuck downstairs to see him alone with a whiskey bottle with the low murmur of the TV in the background. I’d say he was watching it, but, he seemed a little distant. “Lazarus,” I muttered from the doorway.
"I have to talk to you... it’s really important,” I didn’t know if I could break it to him, I didn’t know if what i was thinking was wrong, but, some time I did just want to take the easy way out. No war has been fought longer than the one when I walked out on him.
"What is it?" he slurred, completely destroying any argument he had to say he wasn’t drunk. But I figured he was competent to speak anyway, especially if he felt passionately about it.
"Fine. I had an offer..." He looked at me for a moment and I had to look away as I continued... "You to be able to forget me..."
"We'll start again... it'll work for me too..."
"Why would I want to forget anything?"
"Because I have a gut feeling, Lazarus. We'll never get past this." He frowned and I just stared at him.
"No, no, I'm not gonna forget anything"
"Will you forgive?"
"S'cheating if you make me forget you,” that felt like a no to me, a definite no. I was a little tired of this fight and I figured...maybe it was time to surrender. I just stared at him again, and he snarled slightly as he shook his head, "Don't you dare start fucking with my mind.”
"I would never without your say so." But he furrowed his brow toward me, he didn’t trust me. I made my way to the front door and he followed me out, "but maybe, it can just work one way."
"Maybe, I can live in your mind as how you used to see me... and I can wipe away my own guilt.” He looked at me with a tilt of his head and I sighed, “I want to forget, Lazarus, I want to go back to how I was. I've changed and I don't like it."
He shook his head and took a moment to take it all in: "How've you changed?"
"I warned you it was a matter for when you're sober... don't you remember when I played the violin and shied away from you each time you looked at me? I was like a little kid with a crush, then it developed and I had such strong love for you... now, now it feel different. It's cold and sharp. Like you hate me, and I knew you would."
"I don't hate you," I know you love me, but I also know there’s hatred in that heart of yours... I think there is, God Lazarus, I wish you could send me some straight signals.
"Lazarus I missed you and that hole just grew bigger and bigger... I want it over and I don't want to fight you for it anymore."
"So if we both just... forget, we'll magically go back to how we were?" He looked at me and I shook my head, no, I did think about it while I slept after I realised he was not coming in with me.
"No, no, we let everything happen again and if it doesn't... it doesn't... I did think if only you forget, but I think it may be kinder if I did."
He laughed, but my face was straight. "This is kinda farfetched, even for us."
"I guess I'm just swamped. I have too much in my head I don't want any of it anymore. I've been a witch’s puppet and I've had enough." Too much, too many little bees buzzing around my head and I wanted to silence them.
"Fine. Let's forget then."
"No. You don't get to make that choice till you’re sober."
“I’m fine,” he insisted, but, I didn’t trust that. Not really. But I figured Bane would be listening... he would be screaming inside him if he didn’t agree. I looked up at him and even I was wondering if I was serious.
Perfect Timing Witch appeared just then, staring at us with a smile: “A chance to right the wrongs... I have listened to your conversation and I wonder if you’re truly ready, if you truly want this. Be not afraid of this decision when you walk forward and it will be so.
I looked at him, to her and back again. I was scared, but I figured if it happened then I would never remember losing him. I know, if anyone was in my position then they would be just as confused, but it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. What if you don’t remember? At least, I wanted something to remember him by, something, but, I know that wouldn’t be.
I looked at Lazarus and stared deep into his soul, down to Bane and back again: “Are you sure?”
“Sure, let’s just cheat shall we?” Wait. As he stumbled over to Isis I caught that word; ‘cheat’ that little bit of sarcasm and the slight slur on just (‘jush’) that made me realise just what was going on. I grabbed his arm and pulled him back, tugging with all my strength (which may I mention is not that much, as we don’t gain extra strength like werewolves, we’re permanently stuck with how we were when we were alive.) “What’re you doing?” He yelped and I stared into his eyes with a slight snarl to myself.
“No, no, no,” I shook my head fiercely, “this is an extreme decision and you’re drunk. I know you are, you’re slurring, you’re stumbling... don’t argue that you’re not.” He struggled against me and usually he would have no trouble against me, but in his intoxicated state he couldn’t even budge me. So, to stop his writhing I kissed him, firmly planting my lips on his and he stopped struggling. I nodded to Isis and she disappeared, nothing fancy, just, instantly gone.
“Hush,” I muttered and he did so, “I wish you didn’t drink so much... Lazarus,” I contemplated calling him babe or honey, but, no, too soon and... Too weird, I don’t think I ever called him that.
He put his head on my shoulder and I whispered into his ear: “Let’s get you back before you collapse...” he was heavy, like he was almost going to fall over. I propped him up and frowned sullenly, “you were so right,” we moved back to his house, “it’s cheating, too easy.”
“Why?” He almost whined.
“Because, if I truly love you, we’ll struggle through this together,” I was just showing extreme cowardice and it was wrong of me, my wolf, it was so wrong of me.
He shuffled along till we got to his house where he said something that made me pause: “I love you.”
I smiled to myself, “And I love you too, my drunken pup.”
“I’m not a pup,” he whined again and I nuzzled his shoulder before opening the door.
“You’re my pup, there’s a difference,” I laughed slightly, leading him upstairs to his bedroom. He hummed and I helped him lay down on the bed, but as I leant over him he caught my hand, pulling me down next to him with a bounce. I smiled, and nodded, “now sleep,” I kissed his cheek as he snuggled up to me, his arms around my waist. He nuzzled me, burying my head in my neck. Ah, sweet peace. Though, I couldn’t help but worry that when he woke up sober he would snap again. I didn’t want that, I wanted us to stay here forever... though I knew I would need a lot more than that. I know it’s wrong of me but...
He was so close and his muscles were pressed against me... all of them and I really wished he wasn’t drunk and I still had the power to lead him into whatever I wanted. What’s worse was that I had just slept and so, I spent every moment awake thinking of the times he screwed me. –whine-