In my original "It's my Life" I'm trying to write poetry. I just need somewhere to write out streams of thoughts and rivers of emotions to show myself what I'm really feeling.
At the moment, days drag on so slowly.
On one hand, there's no work to do, no school, no getting up at 6:40 in the morning; just lazing about and maybe going out to go swimming or walking the dogs.
On the other, I feel antisocial. I've become detached from my family because I don't think in the same way as they do. They don't hug their friends every three seconds, they probably don't love anyone apart from our family in that way. I love people like they were the brothers and sisters I never had (I have a little brother but he can be a prat. Penguin, no matter what you say, he is NOT cute). I spent most of the Christmas holidays cooped up in my room with nothing but a bag full of un-read books and a laptop. I've sat hear taking fleeting glances at Facebook, my e-mails, here on Protag and on Yahoo chat. When he isn't online, life becomes dull and I start to think; then over-think. I realised earlier today that I need to stop and take a different view on how I feel. There is a love quote I saw and put in a song: "Never make someone your everything cause, when they're gone, you're left with nothing." I knew it was true after my first ever break up. Now that I feel bored and empty when he isn't around, I am starting to worry.
I seem to have developed woman's intuition recently. I think I had a glimmer of it just before my first break up. Just before he started getting all detached and quiet, I had thought and dreamt that this wouldn't last for long, that I could feel that someday soon we would be over. And I was right.
One night, I was holding my current boyfriend in my arms because, in my head, I was repeating something like, "It'll be over before it's begun." I felt the same feelings as I had the week before my first. The feeling of a storm about to overcast my happiness. The next night, the door opened. To my surprise, it wasn't him who opened up the clouds, it was the teacher who walked in on us who ended my joy. But I wasn't giving up that easily.
A week later, my head was on his shoulder and his arm was draped over the back of the leather chair. Then his mum came to take him home. I wish it could have lasted longer; moments like that, I didn't have to worry about the fact I had missed my bus or that I had lost the Spanish homework that was due in tomorrow. All that mattered was me and him, falling asleep side by side just cause we could.
Ha! Definitely went of topic there but, you know what?, I don't care! I just want to remember those types of memories. Good times, comfortable times. Because I keep getting those feelings.
Not as strong as the last two but there none-the-less. Something between the computer screens, something is making us more distant. The first times we started communicating via Yahoo, well, you could say my face was red yet I was grinning like a moron the whole time. Now, he's not usually on. He's busy and I FULLY understand. He has so much to do at the moment. But I yearn for him still. That was when I realised it.
"Never make someone your everything cause, when they're gone, you're left with nothing."
I need to do something with the remainder of the holidays or I an going to regret it. That is what my intuition is telling me. You'll see him, see them all, you will be able to hug them all once the holidays are over. They will be over soon and you'll regret it later (school being school and all) but you will see them again. You will be able to look into his beautiful blue eyes and speak your thoughts to his face. You will.
But I just can't WAIT that long. RAWWWWW I need to get a hold of myself. I need to... play piano. I need to write a song, learn a Genesis classic, sing Fix You at the top of my voice. I need to... get rid of this stinkin' cold! That's what! RAWWWW I can't stop coughing at all! XD How can I sing if my throat is busted eh?
doG sometimes I just want to lay down and go to sleep for hours. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed and dream about my new family. I know now that is what I will call them. They aren't just a group of friends that I stop by with to see now and then! They are more than just people who come and go. I love them all equally! I love them as much as I love mi amor (sounds weird if you have the whole sentence in English!). I just love them in different ways. That's it!
I love mi amor as a lover. Someone who will kiss me, hold me, whisper that he loves me in my ear so that no one but us can hear each other's words.
I love Ryan like a brother. He is affectionate towards everyone and he makes life brighter. Someone who never has a bad thing to say about anyone (unless we're joking about Tron!) and he one of a pair. XD
I love Charlie as the big brother I never had. Even more than that. I don't love him in the same way as mi amor but I love him in a different way than just family. He is in between. Again, he is one of a pair.
I love Tim as my saviour. On more than one occasion. He kept me from falling and he kept grinning no matter how many times I told him to get off my piano stool! XD He is sweet and, although he is our pack's Omega, I love him all the same.
I love Hill as the sister I never had. Not matter how cold she physically feels, she warms up my heart with her cheeky smile. I honestly can't figure out why people think I'm crazy when I say she is sweet, funny, loveable. *raised eyebrow*
I love Geekgirl as a big sister as well. She puts a brave face on everything that life throws and she'll still be alive and ready to give anyone a hug. She is a part of the complex jigsaw of my heart that makes me want to smile every day.
I love Lora as my listener, my source of comfort, my ray of sunlight, my sister. There are so few words to describe how I love her. She listens and gives advice, I listen and try to give advice back XD. She makes the room shine when I see her.
My fingers are starting to click horribly so I'd better stop soon. I love all the people in our pack, even the slightly deranged *cough* Richard *cough*. They are all a part of my complex heart. They are all my family
I feel so lucky. Yet so soppy at the same time ^_^ I don't care though. I love my family and I always will.