Meet my new buddy, the Magnapinna Squid.
He was discovered in 2007, floating around and being creepy like most abyssal monsters do in their free time, by none other than the Shell Oil Company. That's not ominous at all.
No one knows too much about him yet, because he's sneaky that way and unlike those obnoxious oafs the Humboldt squids, does not make a grand entrance of the hammy sort. Frankly my dear he does not give a damn about flashy skin-lights and doing stupid dances with coconuts.
One of Magnapinna's brothers (no relation to a certain "good" brother who currently resides in a cosmic broom closet) was found dead in his beachfront home and other than a few encounters with the paparazzi that is all scientists have to go by so far.
It may have something to do with the Cephalopod Mafia. Further investigation is underway, but don't snitch on my buddy here, mmkay?
Brains are his preferred cuisine. It is a delicacy. A refined, tasty delicacy. Like good wine. And he is not fond of making a mess in the seawater like those uncultured Colossal Squid barbarians, having feeding frenzies and brawls over who owns the geysers in the Marianna Trench.
Not to mention he's heard rumors of them having extramarital affairs with surface-dwelling mammals. Those imbeciles! May they lose their beaks in unfortunate accidents involving motorboats and human dental equipment! May their genetic code be corrupted for-ever. (he means much, much more than it already is, natch)
Remember children, Magnapinna is respectful of other nationalities and does not have a complex.
Instead of rushing in and making a fool of himself, he slowly, slowly drifts above in the darkness, trailing not just eight but ten wispy feelers along to see if anyone freaks out and goes "eep!".
Cold tentacles, warm heart, as the saying goes. No? Well, whatever. You get the point.
Magnapinna likes to creep up behind you, prop his "elbows" on your shoulders, and stick his tentacles through your ear canals to get to the jellied cerebrum within, no problem. And the whole time whispering weird poetry that is perfectly tasteful and appropriate for this time period. Its really quite painless, even if a little icky. And don't you even think of trying to get away or be a whiner, because he will biatch slap you or something and is 15 feet long and--just don't do it, mmkay?
Here's the fun part. The brain just sort of...shrivels a bit, followed by lightheadedness and an unexplainable urge to watch Reality TV.
Its quite relaxing. And no one remembers exactly what happens afterward because they're too brainshriveled. Though if I gave a definite answer, he might commence with the aforementioned slapping or worse, the poetry...holy god. MY MIND HAS BEEN VIOLATED!
Magnapinna tried to apologize for giving the Shell people the (wet) willies, but their fear was evident by the shaky camera and they took off shouting expletives.
Too bad. He merely wanted to rid them of that problematic grey matter. Maybe then they would forget how to work the rig machinery and relieve the ocean of another giant catastrophe waiting to happen.
Maybe then the first phase of the Tentacle Takeover would begin. Its only a matter of time, you know. Cute widdle hoomuns wont see it coming, will dey? D'awwwwww....poor widdle hoomuns.
Thanks for listening.