I used to sleep 5-6 hours a night, with every 3rd night or so dedicated to pacing, writing, listening to music, having sex if possible, and other miscellaneous stuff... all of a sudden, I'm going to bed by midnight, and having to drag myself out of bed before 10:30-11:00.  You'd think I'd be thrilled, to be getting all the sleep I never got, as an anxiety-and-nightmare-ridden child/adolescent/young adult... instead, I just miss having any time to myself, as well as suddenly having to contend with the niggling fear that all this sleeping is a sign of some sort of undiagnosed medical issue (I told you, anxiety-ridden).

My hypochondria aside, it's a pain in the a$$ to have maybe 10 good hours of brain-time a day.  Maybe not even that much... by the time I go to bed, I've usually been fighting to stay awake and muster coherent thoughts for about 3 hours, and (even sleeping 10+ hours a night!) it takes me 2-3 hours and 2-3 cups of coffee before I'm really awake, in the day.  Then there's the 5-6 hours of stuff that both causes and necessitates mental stillness: menial child-or-housework-related tasks, general paperwork, actually hanging out with my little ones and/or my fella, plus the time needed to switch gears back *into* thinking mode, in-between... How am I suppose to function like this?  I have 2 small, special-needs-type kids, a partner, and a house that will not clean itself--to say nothing of my life-long literary pretensions!

I begin to understand why even seriously depressed people come off their meds.  Lol.  Which makes it sound like I, myself, am not all that seriously depressed... the detailed suicide plans and the diagnosis of clinical depression with anxiety would beg to differ, I'm sure.  But I just don't know what to do... this is a pleasant sort of fog, to be sure, but ffs, I can't see or hear my own thoughts.  Everything I think or feel is muffled... the intended effect of the medication, no doubt, but if it doesn't ease up over the next few months, I'll have to see about making other arrangements.  This sh*t is not kosher.

A little bit of pain never hurt anyone (haha).  Maybe, someday soon, I can brave some again.

The End

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