What do I do? In the real world, I have many loving friends, a great family atmosphere, an all right school report and a man...
On Protagonize... none of that matters. My friends are falling apart in their own private hells. I have NO idea how to help them and I want to find a way to 1. Let all this anguish out 2. Tell them how I feel while trying not to sound selfish.
Oh... How can I help?
:O I just realised, I've been doing this my whole life. My job is to make people just that little bit better. In primary school, I lost my best friend to the foreign land that is Bristol and so started my purpose.
You know in each school and year group, there are friendship groups. The cool gang, the funny ones, the girls, the boys, any other group you care to think of. I have never been in one; never will be. I'm not cool, not funny, not a girly girl, not tomboy enough for the boys, I don't fit in the jigsaw of the society. So, I find others like me. We didn't have a group, we were too flighty for that; but we we friends. I joined them when, one day, I saw that one of their group had joined "The Boys" and was just left with girls. They fought and they had spats due to the hole that person made. I came into their group and tried to bind them together again. If one half of the group bitched about the other, I would turn it down and say "that's not nice" or "that's bullying" which, we all understood, was the worst thing ever in those days.
I think I tried my best with them but I never had a chance to find out. Year 6 came and went and so I moved on. I was alone once more, not one person from my school came with me, not one.
Alone. That was me in year 7. No group, no best friend, not even good friends. I was alone with just shelves and shelves of books for company. There I sat for the hour than was lunch-time and I would always be sad when the bell went. The books were my friends and that was how I was for a year.
Year 8, the year of emotional hell. I had never had to deal with the emotion of "love" before but I know now that what I felt was a crush. I still feel things for this blonde beautiful boy in my year. Beneath the friendly teasing, I still feel the pain I felt as he got up from the bench and ran. Just ran. I told him how I felt and he ran. That changed me inside. Depression soon took over and I turned to self harm. It wasn't anything major like a knife or anything like I've heard recently... Just the blade of a sharpener and one of those scrapers for the foil art... :P Oh doG, that sounds so childish and stupid now.
I had nothing to live for. The group little group of outcasts I had found him in had long since moved on. There I was, left on the bench. I lost it during lessons, shaking and whispering his name over and over and over. I wrote horrible song lyrics. I scribbled and doodled in the backs of all my books. Scratching I h8 life into a science desk and cutting a cross above my left wrist. I finally died inside during an English lesson (well, I hate them most of all). I had unintentionally been banging the desk and my eyes had been filling with tears. Scratch-marks covered my desk from where I had dug my sharpened fingernails into it. Dr Eggleston told me to go get some water. I just made the O.O face and walked as if in a dream to the front of the class and out the door. Everyone had seen me humiliate myself. Weird how the room I was in is now the one where one of my friends now has a locker... That day haunts me every time I go into that room but I still go in for her. She comes first.
I knew some girls had been trying to help me for months. They had worked out the code I'd used in the back of my books and they were trying to find a way to help. But they just couldn't. I didn't know why they couldn't help though. All I wanted to do was to rant at someone about how I was feeling but I seemed to have programmed myself into thinking that NO ONE would understand what I was feeling. No one would want to hear it and no one would be able to save me from my private hell.
Then it was over. Year 9 crept up like a lioness and tore up the misery. It scared away the darkness that had taken over my soul. This was when I first met them.
The two boys who made my day brighter. They are a year older than me and so similar it's scary sometimes. (Thinking of a code name for him) Trombone-man? TM? Tim. Yeah that works.
Tim, he was sweet, a book nerd and he's musical. His beautiful smile always makes a dark day seem blinding! I don't know how he did it, but he held me by a metaphorical arm to keep me from drowning. They his friend came to help.
Ah Charlie, you saved me too my friend! The computers took over from the books and at last I started to have fun. A headphone in one ear each, we'd sit next to each other and watch iplayer for HOURS. Good times mi amigo, good times...
Those two, combined with new friends from the computer room (R the midget and F the girl XD), helped me out of the darkness-filled hole. However, NLG know what happened next. I won't go into it because it's too painful and, on my part, too sad to remember.
After getting over it, I started hanging out with the outcasts I used to hang around with in year 8, which had grown to include the funny group as well. It was ok while it lasted but I was never really a part of their society. If I hadn't been seen for a week because of commitments, no one ever asked where I had been. Now I'm not in their group, no hole remains from where I had been. I started to drift again.
Up to the computer room where he no longer sat waiting for me. Into the library next door where the books all stared at me accusingly:
Just forget about him you stupid girl. He doesn't want you, never will again. You LOST him! How could you? Everything that happened, just like in some of our stories, it was all lies. It wasn't real love. You made a mistake. When you make someone your everything, once their gone, you're left with NOTHING!
I drifted outside to where I could always find our original group. When I had been in friends with them, they would argue and the only girl would cry due to my blonde boy's teasing. I talked to them both and, just before I left them for the last time, I fixed it. They are now quite friendly, although blonde still teases everyone but that's just because he's a jerk.
As I walked aimlessly round the library block, each time I would look over to their table. They laughed, they talked, they were happy. I would look away if I ever saw his eyes. I walked on by.
Who would have thought a game of Uno would have helped me build up the courage to just go over and say hello? Tim! It was you! Again, you held my arm to keep me from falling by inviting me along one time. I stood round the edges and watched as you, Charlie and a load of strangers played a crazy, fun looking game.
A really soppy Christmas song is playing on Mix 96. "A spaceman came travelling" :P I like singing it though.
Tim really has saved my life from falling. He didn't completely pull me from the edge but he stopped my descent. Charlie was awkward, as I knew he would be, and it made me sad that we weren't friends then. Lora was who actually initiated me into our group. I've said time and time again how meeting Lora, Charlie and Ryan actually turned my sh*tey existence around.
There was no one in need of my help that I knew of during my drifting stages. When I was depressed, I was going through my selfish stage. It is the stage that, as mi amor scientifically put, was when I was "going through puberty and trying to adjust" (or something like that). (He wasn't actually referring to me at the time.)
Due to the sudden find of new friends and the end of a selfish period, I had to go back to my purpose. It is what my heart had been programmed to do since primary school.
Any-whore, after some awkward section between me and Charlie along with getting to know more people in our pack, I found protagonize. To try and communicate to Charlie what I was feeling, I wrote a story based on a dream I'd had. He read it and understood. Life was better :)
I know that finding protagonize was when I finally got to know them properly and realised what my purpose was. He was hurting. Charlie, the tough, unbeatable Charlie was hurting. But not because of me (thank geezus). But hurting nonetheless. And so were Lora and Ryan. I couldn't bare it. I read page after page of rants, poems, stories. Lastly, I read "Fire".
I burst into tears. I couldn't stop. I'd thought I'd cried out all my tears over the years due to my own pain. My own selfish petty crushes and heartbreaks. That was nothing. NOTHING compared to this. I wrote down a dream I'd had after I finally sobbed myself to sleep. Trapped in a bare concrete cell will only the laptop. The words from "Fire" burning my eyes every time I was forced to stare at them...
*Shivers* It goes on but if you want to read this horrible thingy, go look in "extracts from my dreams".
I talked to each of them by commenting and speaking face to face and Ryan and Lora said they loved me. Charlie didn't say a lot but I wasn't forcing him; I knew what he was feeling now.
Then, I went on again after I met Mi Amor. I had been off protagonize for AGES due to facebook and Yahoo Messenger taking over my cyber-life. I went back. And saw them. Lined up on my notifications was a stream of rants from two of them. Charlie hadn't been on protag for ages but he never is. I read them and the tears started again.
I had failed them. I had not helped at all. They were almost worse off than before. What had I done wrong? I had always helped people before! I read some comments and they had both commented on each others rants saying basically that they didn't agree and that they loved each other. What did I do? Wrote my own rants.
I shouted out my heart to Ryan on a comment. I was so p*ssed off with myself for failing that I just ranted. And, as I predicted, the next time I saw him, he said he was fine. But you just wrote a rant saying you weren't! YOU AREN'T OK, YOU SAID SO YOURSELF! D': YOU AREN'T FINE AND I HAVEN'T HELPED AT ALL! I haven't even got close to completing what I set out to do and, after what they wrote, I realised, I CAN'T HELP EVERYONE! BUT I NEED TO! IT'S WHAT MY LOT IN LIFE IS TO DO! I CAN'T STAND BY AND WATCH SADNESS ENVELOPE MY FRIENDS. The innocent, sweet, funny, keep-a-positive-outlook Ryan is hurting; there's nothing I can do about it.
Lora. I know so little about you. What you write is never explained but that's because you aren't writing to me; you're writing to put the sadness into a computer file. Each time I read a new file, it makes my stomach twist to think of you trapped, on your own, without me to help you where I can. You try to open up to the computer screen but I know less about you than I did last month. Every knew pain that is written here blackens the part of my heart which you own. It believe that the best relief from the Darkness is to tell people, or if that's impossible, write it down. However, it doesn't seem to be making things better from where I'm sitting. Pages and pages and pages. Again and again, evidence that I'm failing. I'm just a child.
I don't know what to do. I feel helpless against this advancing wall of Darkness. I can't bare to see you sad. I can't bare to see you feeling bad. I can't bare that Darkness is crowding your life so much that you like so little of yourself. I just realised that I am probably saying bullsh*t here but, you know what?, that is the impression I've been getting.
I am sounding so selfish, saying how I can't cope. It is YOU guys who are suffering, not me. I am fine and dandy, until I remember you're all in pain. But that's just it! As long as you're sad, upset or being surrounded by Darkness, I won't be able to rest in life. I can't let it go.