I don't say anything on the way back to the motel. I got Hadley back, and that's all that matters.
Wouldn't mind a shower though.
Or a bottle of vodka.
Or something stronger, if you have it.
I don't speak until I have to get the room key. And even then I only speak because I have to. The woman smiles and hands it over, and I walk off without even a "thanks". Hads opens his mouth to say something a couple of times, but he changes his mind each time, and I don't question it. I just let us in and go straight to my suitcase to get some clean clothes. Hadley stands awkwardly, not really knowing what to do or say.
Normally, I'd ask if he's okay, but I'm more interested in that shower right now. Knowing full well that I'm fairly likely to have a panic attack at some point tonight, I leave the bathroom door open, not bothering to hide as I strip off and throw my clothes into the other room.
"Get rid of those," I mutter, turning the water for the shower on. I don't wait for it to warm up, I just get straight under it and stand there for a moment. I hear him fold up my clothes, but when he says nothing, I start washing myself. I take my time, keeping my breathing as even as I can, doing my best not to think about it.
I think I washed myself thoroughly all over maybe three times when I decide I should probably get out of the shower. I pull on the clean boxers and joggers, before looking for a shirt in my suitcase. Usually I sleep in just my boxers, but I guess you could say tonight isn't your average night. Tomorrow isn't gonna be so normal, either. Because tomorrow I'm going to fucking hospitalise Alex. Why didn't he come when I texted him?
I wander over to one of the beds and lie down on it. Hadley, bless him, still has no idea what to do. So I half sit up and beckon him over. He shuffles over, and I move over, giving him room to sit with me. He sits with me, but he can't look me in the eye.
And there's me hoping for a hug.
"What's wrong?" I ask quietly, my mind racing ahead and jumping to conclusions. It's me, it's the fact I couldn't stand up for myself, it's because I just closed my eyes and let John get what he wanted.
"This is all my fault," he mumbles and I shake my head, my eyes widening.
"No it's not."
"It is. If I'd stayed here none of this would've happened." You're kidding right?
"It's my fault," I shrug slightly, "if I hadn't fucked Alex, I wouldn't have had to go off and repair his and Caleb's relationship. I wouldn't have had to leave you."
"Don't say that." Why not? It's the truth. If I hadn't been off forcing Alex and Caleb to talk to each other again, Hadley wouldn't have wandered off and John wouldn't have fucking kidnapped him. I don't say anything, though. I can't seem to be able to talk. He sits there awkwardly and I feel my breathing begin to catch slightly.
C'mon, Max, you've avoided one panic attack already tonight, you can avoid another.
"Can- can I have a hug?" I ask. I feel awkward asking, but I can't tell if he'd want me to touch him or not. But he hugs me, and I hug back tightly, resting my head on his shoulder. He buries his head in my neck and I rub a hand up and down his back gently, smiling weakly to myself as he hums a little.
"You okay?" he asks quietly and I nod.
"Yeah. I'm gonna murder Alex later, though."
"The fucker was supposed to come get us," I say with a weak laugh. Hads doesn't say anything, hugging me a little tighter. I sigh slightly and close my eyes. "He probably thought I was still drunk or something." I yawn and realise I'm more tired than I thought I was. He lets go of me a little bit, and I tighten my own hug on him without thinking, almost like a reflex reaction.
"Go to sleep."
"I don't want to sleep on my own," I mutter.
"I'm not going anywhere." Reluctantly, I let go of him enough to lie down, but he lets go of me altogether. "C'mon, I need to pee," he says when I don't entirely let go of him. I mumble a sorry, and tuck my hands between my knees. He goes to pee, leaving me lying there staring blankly at the wall. A few moments later, he has his arms back around me and I hug him back, snuggling into him.
"You're really warm," he mumbles.
"That a good thing?" I ask, my question muffled by his chest.
"Yeah," I hear him smiling and I smile back, even though he can't see.
"I love you," I murmur, lifting my head so he can hear better, "I meant it when I asked you out earlier. It wasn't just drunken rambling."
"I know. That's why I said yes." My smile grows slightly and I peck him on the lips, closing my eyes. I was going to say something to that, but I'm asleep before I can even remember what it was.