Not long after making Hadley go to bed, he's out and I smile slightly as he presses himself against me. I kiss the top of his head and slip my arms around him, doing my best to keep my thoughts from rambling. I'm not tired, and lying here doing nothing leaves me with little else to do other than worry about Hadley's parents, about Cayden, about Caleb and Alex and even my own parents.
How did my life become such a mess because of one person? I'd known that Cayden wasn't the right kind of person to try settling with, but I'd gone and tried anyways. I knew it wouldn't work, but we kept feeding each other these false hopes and making like it was all going to last. And I'd been falling for it.
I close my eyes, willing the image of Cayden and John in bed together away. "Don't worry about him".
I find myself wondering if he still isn't worrying. Why would he? He has John. I was just there to fill the gaps, even if he didn't realise it. I take a deep breath, ignoring how it shudders as I let it out. It doesn't matter, neither of you really mattered to the other. Grow up.
And then there's how Hadley seems determined to just walk away from his family, not only doing exactly what Cayden did, but doing what I did too. I don't want him to end up in a cold relationship with his family because of me; I don't want any of them to fall out any more because of me. Granted, Cayden wouldn't have gone back without me, but he wouldn't have alienated everyone and caused Hadley to snap and run off either.
I sigh into Hadley's hair, trying to make my brain shut up so I can sleep too, but as I push out those thoughts, others replace them, like the email from my mum that I've been ignoring, the weird Caleb-Alex-me thing. What's even with that? Alex probably doesn't realise Caleb loves him so much, unless it's been said, Caleb seems to be perfectly willing to be my fuck toy when I need some kind of release, but what about Hadley? Does he mind? Does he feel like he has to do more to keep me happy? Does that bother me? Does it bother me that Caleb feels the same way about Alex that I used to?
As it becomes clear that my mind isn't going to shut up any time soon, I close my eyes and curl up against Hadley, hoping that sleep comes soon to wipe away my doubts and recurring thoughts of Cayden.
I get about two maybe three hours light sleep in before I feel Hadley's grip on me loosen slightly. I groan quietly in protest, sort of unsure if I'm awake or not.
"Shh," I hear and I hum, and press my half opened eyes shut again. I feel his fingers tangle gently in my hair and I smile slightly, enjoying his touch in my half asleep state.
"I have to pee," he says a few minutes later.
"Mmm, 'kay," I mumble into the pillow, letting my hold on him slacken. The mattress rises as he gets up and cold rushes in where he'd been against me. I wait impatiently for him to come back, glad as I feel the bed sinks again and he lies back down with me, yawning. I open one eye and frown slightly. "You just woke up and you're yawning already?"
"Weird," he laughs a little and I open my other eye.
"I'm not that tiring, am I?" I smile.
"Oh totally. It's a miracle I stay awake as long as I do."
"Apologies," I murmur. I put my arm over him and snuggle back into him, eager to get back to sleep, or I'll end up subjecting Hadley to grouchy, tired Maxxie. No one wants that.
He kisses me and I find myself humming again, my lips parting willingly for him. He smiles and I smile back, but I find myself feeling more sleepy by the second and the next thing I know, I'm being poked.
"If I'm not allowed to go back to sleep neither are you."
"I never said you can't go back to sleep," I groan.
"Whyyy?" I whine, putting my head on his shoulder and curling up as a sort of protest against being more awake than this.
"Because I'm hungry," he says, poking me again.
"The store isn't that far away, I'm sure you can manage," I grumble.
"Fine. Where's your wallet?"
"I don't know," I say, still grumbling. With a resigned sigh, I sit up and rub my eyes, "I don't like waking up." I slide off the bed onto the floor, where I get dressed, still complaining under breath.