I didn't need to hear the whole conversation to get the gist of it, really. He still likes John - I get that. It doesn't take a fucking genius to work it out. In fact, I'd probably be back with Alex by now if I hadn't met Cayden: nine years of loving someone, and seven years of being loved back by them is hard to give up, and I guess part of me still wants him the same way a part of Cay wants John.
So I understand.
What I don't understand, is why Cay is apparently determined to turn me on. He pushes me down on the bed and does those ghosty little kisses that would usually make my skin tingle. But I'm not in the mood for once. I open my mouth to tell him that, but he cuts me off, pressing his lips over mine.
Instead, I sit up without warning, breaking the kiss as I shuffle back slightly so I'm leaning against the wall. Cay gives me this confused look and I smile slightly, mumbling a quiet apology.
"Don't sweat it, dollface," he smiles.
"I don't wanna have to go to dinner with a boner," I say, trying to make my own smile stronger. It's not the reason I sat back, but it's still as good a reason as any. Trying to explain that I figured out what it was he "realised" in the kitchen isn't really a conversation you can cram into the few minutes before dinner.
He leans forward and kisses my nose. "What about after dinner?"
"I'll think about it," I laugh slightly. Humming a little, he presses his forehead to mine, and I close my eyes, putting my arms around him. I link my hands in the small of his back, silently trying to keep the sudden, sneaking feeling that I'm passing the time for Cay and that he's just waiting for an opportunity to get back with John - married with a kid or not.
"What do you think of my folks then?" he asks after a while, jolting me out of my thoughts.
"They're cool," I smile, opening my eyes again, "I think I might steal them from you." He chuckles, like what I just said was a joke. It was only a half joke. I want parents like his.
"You just wait til tonight. They'll be drunk, very loud and obnoxiously Australian."
"That's alright. I can deal with that." He smiles and snuggles into me and instinctively, I hold him a little closer, almost like he's about to slip away.
"That's good then." I just hum in agreement, pushing aside my irrational, and irritating thoughts. You were never worried before, so why are you now? Man up. "I could easily fall asleep right now," Cay murmurs and I half smile, turning to kiss the top of his head.
"Don't fall asleep just yet, gorgeous. We've got dinner first."
"Mmm." I gently lean my head on his and sit quietly like that. If my brain wasn't bugging me, I'd probably be pretty content sitting there.