When I'm in bed, I curl up into a ball and try to take up as little room as possible. I close my eyes and try to sleep, but even after Cayden drifts off, I don't seem to be able to fall asleep. If he hadn't pushed me into talking about my past, it probably would have come on its own; and I wouldn't be lying here feeling bitter about the whole thing.
I'd been perfectly willing to forgive him for being an asshole earlier, and to apologise for being an asshole back, but I can't help thinking his burning ‘curiosity' has put us back a couple of steps.
After an hour of just lying there, trying not to think about my parents, I give in with a sigh and get up. Cay grunts in his sleep as the mattress rises where I'd been, but doesn't wake up. I pull on a pair of joggers and wander down the landing to my old room. Throwing open the window lets in a cold, snapping breeze, but instead of shivering, and retreating back to warmth, I haul myself out of the window and up onto the roof in one over-practiced movement.
I settle on the tiles, looking out over the city, leaning back on the fake chimney as the wind drops to a light draught. I probably should have put a t-shirt on, but I can't really be bothered to go back down just for the sake of a shirt. I'm up here now, to the place I used to escape to when I was about ten years younger. Sure, it's got less coffee than the back of that little cafe, but it's no less therapeutic to sit up here and try to imagine what the stars might look like if there was less light pollution.
Once or twice, I look around, half expecting to be joined by Alex, who would sit with me sometimes. He wouldn't say anything, or do anything, unless I wanted him to. He would just sit with me. I wish Cay would come and sit with me.
I can't stay mad at the guy, it seems.
Slowly, the dark sky lightens and I wearily register that I've been sitting up here all night. I should go get some coffee, or a quick sleep before I go over to see my mum...
But I don't move. At some point, I hear my phone ringing loudly in one of the rooms below me. And then steady footsteps up and down. I can almost hear Cay's mind working overtime as he tries to figure out where I've gone. I almost get up to go back inside, but I just stay there.
It's when I hear the front door open and close, and hurried footsteps moving away from the house that I finally persuade my body to obey me. I turn around and crawl to the edge of the roof, tiredly swinging myself back into my room.
The plan was to call him, tell him that I'm at home, make myself a coffee, get dressed and go see my mum with him.
What actually happens is, I stumble over to my bed and faceplant it. And stay there.
For three hours, or there abouts.
When I wake up, Cay's still not back, and groggily, I go back to the original plan, and fumble around in the room where all our stuff is for my phone.
"I thought you were good at finding things that didn't want to be found," I say when he picks up.