I could barely see where I was going, my vision blurred by the alcohol that was hitting me hard and all the tears that refused to stop. Why was I so stupid? How could I have let myself do that to him again?
I drove in the direction of Cay’s apartment, not sure whether I wanted his shoulder to cry on or to yell at him for persuading me to fuck him again.
Of course, all the alcohol I’d consumed in the half hour it’d taken for Hadley to pick up the kids had suddenly taken effect, and suddenly my feet were like blocks of lead and my arms were too heavy. I wanted to sleep. And sleep I did, when I went into the side of a building at about twice the speed limit.
“Mr. Fuller-Smith?” an unfamiliar voice asked faintly. “Are you with us yet?” I groaned in response and squinted up at the person talking. It was a woman in scrubs whose face was as unfamiliar as her voice. The beeping and the whiteness of everything made me shudder a little.
“Why m’I here?” I mumbled, my mouth feeling fuzzy and heavy.
“You crashed your car,” she said bluntly, taking my pulse, “you’re lucky you were cut out of the wreck when you were. The gas had leaked out and it caught fire not long after,” her voice was far too cheerful. I needed to be grovelling to Hadley, not laid up in bed. She drifted over to the end of the bed to scribble something in my chart, still talking, but I wasn’t listening. “...Severe whiplash and bruising. Some nasty cuts from the broken glass, and you got away with a clean break in your leg.” I’d started listening again, long enough to hear the list of things wrong with me. She fiddled with the drip attached to my arm as I started grumbling about how much everything hurt, and soon enough I was floating away, too high on the meds to care that my body was screaming at me.
The next day, I came round, feeling groggy and achey. But all I really knew was I wanted my husband, and I wanted him now. When the nurse came over, I asked for him. She tried to get some food down me while we waited, but I was having none of it. I probably looked like a sulky little kid, but I didn’t care.
When Hadley came down at lunchtime to see me, I nearly cried with relief. At least a tiny part of him must still care, right? I looked up at his poker face, and realised I hadn’t actually thought of anything to say to him, and I was still too high on the pain meds to get much further than saying sorry a lot. He kept up the poker face, and I felt tears start escaping from my eyes – and they certainly weren’t ones of relief. It hurt too much to move and wipe them away, so I just let them roll down my face onto the blankets.
He sighed after a while. "Did you call me down here just to watch you crying or...?"
“I want you to have me back,” I said, hiccupping a little as I spoke, “but I forgot to think of anything to say... this morphine is really strong.”
"Yeah, it's meant to be."
“I don’t like it. I wanna be able to talk to you without forgetting what I wanna say.”
"You can ask them to stop giving you it but you'll regret it once the pain kicks in."
“It’d be the least I deserve after what I did to you,” I mumbled, clearly not high enough to keep away how much it hurt that Hadley must’ve hated me by then. His face was still blank, and I fell quiet.
"I don't have long, Maxxie."
“I miss you, Bunny,” I said quietly. His blank face fell at that, and he looked the tiniest bit upset. I was clearly making up for whatever emotions Hadley wasn’t showing.
"I miss you too," he replied so quietly I almost missed it over the haze in my head and the beeping and noises around me.
I sigh a little, “I won’t blame you if you don’t, but you have no idea how much it’d mean to me if you gave me another chance. I love you so much, Bunny.” I reached a hand up to his cheek, even though my shoulder protested loudly against the movement. I needed to touch him.
"I already gave you another chance and look how well that went," he reminded me, his blank face returning. I let my hand drop. "I want to be able to trust you, but I don't know if I can. Not after this."
“I meant it when I said I’d do anything, Hadley.”
"I don't doubt that, but it's different this time." I nodded slightly, wincing a little. That nurse wasn’t lying when she said I had bad whiplash. "I mean, d'you think I'm even gonna be able to hear my asshole brother's name anymore without wanting to kill him? Then again, he's already broken up one marriage, hasn't he?" As much pain as I’d be in if I moved, I was about ready to get on my knees and beg him. It was pathetic, but I couldn’t bear the thought of living without him, and the idea of us not being together nearly made me puke.
I started to cry again, half turning on my side so I could grab his hand tightly. I didn’t ever wanna let go.