I honestly couldn't see how Hadley would ever forgive me if I told him that for the last few months, I'd been hanging out in bars hoping someone else just as desperate as me would come my way. I mean, it certainly wasn't every night. I didn't even go out every night. It's not like I didn't feel the need to curl up in a big wussy ball of guilt like I was on Cayden's sofa other nights.
I didn't move from where I'd curled up until Cayden pretty much forced me to go get ready so I could make dinner for when Hadley got home.
"Please, Max," he said when I reluctantly let him make me get ready. I looked at his sort of pleading face quietly and went back to putting my shoes on. I'd sort of ended up sitting down to put them on and once they were firmly around my feet, I kind of didn't move. Cayden let out a sigh and picked me up, somehow managing to carry me, even though I'd probably gained some unholy amount of weight from all the guilt eating I'd been doing the last few months. I put my head on his shoulder and let him carry me back home.
Once we were there, he put me down and I went straight to the kitchen, trying to make something nice for dinner. Not that I would eat much of it. It felt like my stomach had tied itself up in so many knots it'd never come undone. Cay sat on the sofa and asked me a few times if I wanted any help. I just shook my head and listened to him sigh as I got on with what I was doing.
I kind of broke the whole silent thing when I burnt what I was making, though. I pulled it out of the oven to see if it was worth rescuing. It wasn't.
I might have sort of maybe thrown it at the wall in a fit of rage at myself. In my eyes, all I was managing to do was prove who shit and incompetent as a husband I was.
"Max, chill," I heard Cayden saying. I spun around to look at him through the doorway.
"How the fuck am I supposed to chill?" I kinda yelled at him.
"Getting stressed out isn't gonna help you." No, but alcohol will. I grabbed a bottle of whatever it was I'd last bought for my guilt fest nights in and started drinking like there was no tomorrow. That said, just because I got a fair bit down me before Cayden stole it from me, doesn't mean I was exactly happy about it being taken away.
"What're you doing? Give it back."
"Cay, I'm about to lose everything here, the least you can do is let me get drunk."
"You're not losing anything."
"How can you be sure?"
"Because I know my brother." Yeah a brother you didn't talk to for fuck knows how long. I tried to get the booze back off him, but the fucker didn't let me anywhere near it. I looked at him, knowing full well that the desperation I was feeling was on my face.
"Max, being drunk isn't gonna solve anything."
"It won't." I felt myself starting to crack up again at that point. Cay wrapped his arms around me and I buried my head in his neck
"Everything's gonna be fine, Max," he said and I let out a sniffle. "I promise."
"What if it's not, though?" I asked. He didn't have an answer for that. I sniffled again, doing my best not to turn back into the wreck I was at his apartment earlier. He planted a kiss on the top of my head, but I didn't say anything else. What else was there to say? I just kept my head against his neck, trying to calm down long enough to at least clean up the mess I made.
I thought I heard the front door open, but I wasn't paying enough attention to really consider what it would mean.
"Max? You in?" Hadley's voice floats through the apartment and I let out a quiet groan.
"Oh, god." He wandered in, and I stood back from Cay, using the counter to keep myself at least sort of standing up. But I couldn't bring myself to look at the guy. So I looked at the floor.
"What's going on?" I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, seeing that gorgeous face misting over in confusion.
"M'sorry," I mumbled.
"For what?" he asked, that confusion entering his voice as well.
"For being a really shitty husband."
"You're not a shitty husband, gorgeous"
"I am. I'm a really, really shit husband, and I'm sorry." He just stood there, being confused and I could feel myself cracking up yet again. "I can't," I muttered quietly.
"Can't what?" His confusion wasn't going anywhere and I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it.
"You have to, Max," Cayden reminded me.
"Can't what? Someone tell me what's going on."
Hadley's words triggered something inside of me and I just blurted it out. "I've been cheating on you. I'm so sorry, Hadley. I'm so fucking sorry. I love you. I'm sorry." I started crying again, and Hadley just stared. After that, I just kind of turned into a wreck of tears, snot and a constant stream of apologies and begging him to forgive me.