Why does Hadley want children? Is he trying to kill me? If I didn't know any better, I'd say he's marrying me for my money and hoping that the stress of it gives me a heart attack or something.
Right now, Momma Smith is over, and I'm currently hiding in the bedroom, smoking out of the window. Her and my dear fiancé are in the living room looking at venues.
"Oh Maxxie, darling, I need your opinion," he says in a sing-songy voice. I pull myself away from the window and slope off into the living room. Hadley frowns at my cigarette and I realise I forgot the ashtray. Can't be getting fag ash on the plans now, can we? "Having it in New Jersey's fine with you, right?" he asks, still frowning at me.
"Sure." I don't care where it is, I'm still more concerned with when it is. Momma's looked up some places online and goes through them with me. To be honest, some of them a pretty nice, but I think I come across as kinda of ambivalent/apathetic towards most of them. I don't mean to. I'm just stressed.
"I can look up some other places later on, if you want."
"I don't mind. It's not where it is, it's who it's with, right?" or when. You pick. He smiles... and I light another cigarette. He smile drops back into another frown that I only half notice.
"Put that out before you kill yourself," Momma Smith says and I look up, greeted with a serious face that I can only imagine is exclusive to mothers. Needless to say, it's gonna take a lot more to get me to put it out than that. "Maxxie," she tries again.
Hadley sighs, "Forget about it, Mom."I shrug slightly, take one last drag from it and put it out. They go back to wedding stuff after that. Hadley's such a woman. The only time he notices me is to tell me off for smoking, or to ask my opinion on something, and the moment I'm not smoking or have given him my opinion, his wedding plans are too important to acknowledge my existence apparently.
"Really you should go see these places before you pick one," Momma says. Hadley nods and I don't say anything. That just sounds like a huge hint to go travelling. She looks up and eyes me.
"You're being oddly quiet."
"Am I?" I ask, pretending like I don't know I'm being fucking quiet.
"Mmm. And it's a little odd to see you and Hadley not joined at the hip."
"Well I was smoking. He doesn't tend to want me cuddling him when I'm smoking."
"I don't particularly want you smoking," he mumbles. I've been smoking since you were in elementary school. You can't argue with nicotine cravings that old, Bunny boy. When I don't say anything, they go back to looking at the venues.
"Is everything alright with you guys?" Momma asks. I nod, and I can see it in her eyes, she doesn't quite believe it.
"I'm just stressed. Big plans and stuff like this stress me out." She still doesn't really believe me, but she doesn't push it and I sigh slightly, leaning back into the sofa. I don't want to be sat here while they do this. After a while, I get fed up of just sitting there saying and doing nothing and shuffle up so I'm next to Hadley and lean on him slightly, wrapping my arms around him. I cuddle him kinda tight, careful of his stitches. It's just some gold and paper. I'll be fine.
I just want Hadley to be mine for the rest of my life, and if this is how I can secure that, then I should stop freaking out. It won't be that bad. It'll be embarrassing. Having to wear a suit and do the whole vows thing in front of people, I mean. But it won't be that bad.
As for kids...? Maybe not.