I can't help blaming myself.
Well, I probably can.
But I'm just too fucking good at it to give it up.
I stay snuggled against Hadley. I don't want to be so dependant or have to need him every time something goes to shit. It's good having him there, but it's not fair on him to be like this - so needy and frankly, fucking pathetic. I keep shifting, about to move away so I can stop being like a limpet and figure out what to do, but I just end up staying where I am.
Knowing that my silence is worrying Hadley, I manage to mumble an "I love you" in an effort to bridge the gap between breaking the silence and thinking of something to say. But as he tells me he loves me too, my brain stops working again and I just end up going quiet.
Which makes Hadley frown slightly. I pull back, and actually manage to sit away from him this time, under the impression that this will somehow miraculously make him not worry about me and focus him on his brother.
Mistake. He just frowns more.
"What?" I ask, for a moment wondering why my reason for sitting back wasn't as obvious to him as it is to me. He gives a little sigh.
I shrug slightly, "We should be focussing on your brother, not me being a needy little bitch." He sort of nods and I look back at that journal entry. The reason he took Gage's death so hard was because of me, so somehow, I need to find a way of fixing this total mess.
My only question is: how the fuck do I do that?
And my answer? Fuck knows. I guess the obvious answer is to set him up with someone else, but how can you persuade someone to go out anywhere if they want to sit around drinking and watching a goldfish to make sure it won't run away when your back's turned?
Hadley sort of watches me thinking, and as I come up with pretty much nothing, I glance at him. "Any ideas?" He shakes his head and I sigh. "No, me either."
"We're so helpful," he says with a tiny laugh.
"At least we're trying. No one else seems to have even noticed that he's living on booze and watching a goldfish all day." He just kinda shrugs and I slump back against the sofa, pushing a hand through my hair irritably. That's more irritation at myself, though, rather than anything else.
I probably can't hold down a relationship for longer than a few months - because you're going to have a hard time convincing me that Hadley is going to stay put when he discovers that there's more to life than me and my shitty apartment in Hollywood - I can't get a job doing what I want because I'm not good enough even for that, I can't stop being so dependent on others, or even sort out my own messes.
I'm a pretty poor excuse for a human being right now.
Hadley, noticing my frustration, watches me again with a concerned look on his face. He watches me like that until I lean on him, facing away so I can't see that expression anymore. He plays with my hair absently and I close my eyes, trying to stop whining about my life. Others have it worse, right? I used to have it worse.
Max, grow a fucking pair of balls and sort your life out, you pussy.