In short, the hospital are not willing to part with Cayden's journal. Not even for a nice bribe. "Confidentiality" or some shit. I don't give a fuck about confidentiality when Cayden's living in a shit hole, staring at a fish, cuddling someone else's diaries. The diaries he had in hospital.
I'm about to admit defeat, slumped in the hall way by a coffee machine that sounds like it's about to explode, when a nurse walks up to me with one of those medical folders in her hands.
And Cayden's diary.
"Here," she says, slipping it between the pages of one of those glossy magazines from the waiting room's coffee table, "I know you visited Cayden a lot and... well, I liked the guy. He was sweet. I overheard you saying that you needed to know what was in there." She hands me the journal and smiles slightly. I look from her to the journal, almost in shock. The doctor I'd spoken to was adamant that I'd never see it, ever, even if I was going to die the next day.
"Thank you, so much," I mutter, hugging her before I even realise it. She laughs slightly and hugs back for a moment before pulling back.
"I'm glad I could help. I hope he's okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, he just said something odd and I wondered if it'd be in here," I lie, but she doesn't seem to notice and smiles.
"I'm sure it's nothing. He's probably just readjusting to living at home rather than being kept in bed all day." I hum in agreement, smiling as she says that she has to go back to work. The moment she's out of the room, I all but run back to the car, wondering whether to just read it right there or wait til I'm back at my place with Hadley there.
In the end, I call him from the car park. "I got his journal. I haven't read any of it yet; I didn't wanna read it before you if you wanted to read it first or whatever. I mean, he's your brother."
"I don't mind. And as corny as it sounds, it might work better if we read it together."
"Yeah, okay... I'll meet you back at mine then?"
"Sure, I'm almost done here"
"See you in a bit," I say and hang up, driving back over to mine probably a tad faster than I should've.
When Hadley arrives, I'm sat on the sofa, staring absently at the cover of the journal with a frown on my face. Now I'm here, I'm not so sure I want to find out what's made Cay lose it so bad.
"Frowning won't open it," he says with a chuckle, sitting next to me.
"Mmm." He kisses my cheek and before I can convince myself that this is a bad idea, I flip it open, both of us beginning to read.
I end up getting kind of upset that Cayden had missed me so much and not said anything. He shouldn't have kept it to himself.
And then we get to the entry we were looking for. November 3rd.
I was thinking that maybe, if he was willing to try a relationship, he could help me get over Maxxie. Which was when he said his chest hurt.
Gage... Gage went into cardiac arrest.
Both of us sit in silence. And somehow in that silence, my brain explodes and convinces me that this is all my fault. How, you ask. Because if I'd not given into - what was, at the time - a crush on Hadley, and waited out Cayden cheating on me with John, if I'd forgiven him and stayed with him, none of this would've happened. He'd never have been put in hospital by Alex, and he would never have known Gage existed.
And he wouldn't have spent his time in hospital missing me, or trying to find a way to get over me.
I mean seriously, he needed to get over me? No one ever needs to get over me. No one thinks about it once they're done with me.
The outside world sort of comes back to me when I feel Hadley's arms wrap around me and as I hug back, he kisses my cheek. I lean into him a little, trying to somehow figure out how to deal with the guilt that this has suddenly spawned. I suppose drinking myself into oblivion would be a bad idea.