You know I said I couldn’t stay pissed off at Maxxie over the thing with his mom? Evidently I got that wrong. What I meant to say was that I could manage to not be pissed off with him long enough for a quick fuck. And I know we both love each other and we’ve been going out for a while now but it didn’t stop me feeling kind of used. I mean, he was pissed off at his mom, right? So what if he’d only fucked me to get rid of some of the stress or anger or whatever it was.
So basically, I spent the day being grouchy and irritable while Maxxie sulked for a while and then watched TV. Typical man. He seemed to notice the fact that I was irritable (probably after the third time I snapped at him over nothing) and genuinely apologised. I calmed down enough to go to dinner with him but I was still kind of pissed at him.
And I took my foul mood all the way to some fancy Italian restaurant. I could tell Maxxie was trying to relax but my shitty mood seemed to be making him anxious. Jeez, I’m not gonna fucking bite you. Okay, that was uncalled for. I sighed.
Maxxie looked down at his food. “Sorry”
I shrugged. It’s not your fault I’m in a shitty mood. Well, it is but...
He picked at his food. “Hadley... Why’re you so bothered about whether I get on with her or not?”
“Because she’s your mom”
Silence. Thanks, Maxxie, that’s really helpful. I sort of pushed my food around, glancing at Maxxie and seeing him trying not to look kind of upset. I kind of ate a couple things but I kept my eyes glued to my plate either way. Maxxie didn’t even attempt to make it look like he’d eaten anything. I looked up after a while.
He shook his head. I shrugged again and pushed my own food around a little bit more. Maxxie sort of looked a tiny bit upset. I tried my best not to notice and he tried to hide it. I looked down at my food again.
"You okay?" he asked after a while.
He was quiet again after that. Well this is a thrilling conversation. I put my knife and fork down, causing him to look up at me. I looked at him but didn’t say anything. I didn’t have anything to say. By the looks of things Maxxie didn’t know what to say either so we sort of just sat there.
"Shall I um... Shall I get the bill?" he asked.
"You've barely eaten anything"
He glanced back at his plate and I sort of bit my lip.
"I'm just not as hungry as I thought I was"
I gave a tiny shrug. "Up to you"
"Do you want anything else?" he sort of gestured at the dessert menu.
I shook my head. He got the bill and paid for everything and for once I didn’t complain. I couldn’t be bothered. It’s not like he ever listens when I say I feel bad about it anyway.
He walked out with me and sort looked like he wanted to hold my hand. I scratched the back of my head awkwardly and he sighed, mumbling another apology under his breath. I let my arm hang awkwardly by my side. He hesitated before taking my hand in his. I didn’t squeeze his hand like I normally do but I didn’t let go. The two of us were quiet the entire way back to his place.
He went straight to the kitchen once we got to his. I went straight to the couch but to be honest I’d rather have just gone to bed. Maxxie came and sat with me, coffee in hand, and the two of us sat in silence again. Boy, this has turned out to be a fun night. I’ve enjoyed it so much, I want to do it over and over again every single night. He went off to the computer after few minutes, leaving me on the couch and wondering what he was doing. He came back after a while and sat hugging his knees to his chest as I ran a hand through my hair.
"I apologised to her” he said quietly and I nodded, "and I'm sorry that the state of my relationship with her upsets you so much. I'll try to make more of an effort next time" he mumbled.
I kind of smiled, noticing him glance at me even though I was sort of staring at the wall.
I shook my head and he frowned. Oh what, you want me to tell you that I feel used for no logical reason? That I feel like a fucking idiot when you ask me to fuck you and I can’t because I don’t have a clue what to do? That on about three separate occasions today I asked myself why you’re even going out with me? And that on each of those occasions i convinced myself it was because I’m young and too naive for my own good. I sighed.
I could tell he didn’t believe me but at least he had the decency to not push it. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. I sighed again.
“I’m going to bed” I said and walked off before he could say anything.