They bought a new guy in today. He doesn’t look all that anorexic to me. A little underweight, yeah, but not anorexic. Maybe it’ll do him some good being in here, though. He might put some weight on and... actually he might look kinda hot at a normal weight. I mean, he’s kind of cute now but... No, that’s all wrong. That should be a girl you’re talking about...
Maybe this guy being here is so good after all...
That was the last entry in which he wrote to “Journal”. After that it switched to “Cayden”. I guess he found out my name before I even spoke to him. He probably asked Nicole. But in every single entry to ‘Cayden’, he sounded happier. He wasn’t exactly a little emo kid in the ones before but something seemed different in the ones with my name on...
"Hey" Maxxie said, tearing my eyes away from the journal as he wandered in.
I closed it and smiled at him.
I nodded. So what if I was maaaybe lying to him a little bit.
"Can I...?" h gestured at the bed.
"Sure" I said and shoved Gage’s journal under my pillow.
I’m sure Maxxie noticed but he didn’t say anything about it if he did. He hopped up on the bed and sat with me, putting an arm round my shoulder like he usually did. I didn’t lean on him as much as I usually would. The last time I was properly sat like that I was on Gage’s bed and he was resting his head on my shoulder while he tried to draw something. I felt the urge to pull out his journal and look at it but remembered Max was there when he sighed.
"I'm worried about you, Cay" he bit his lip "you've been so quiet the last week. What's up?"
He frowned. "Tell me"
Something told me he didn’t believe me. "You can tell me anything, y'know, if you want. I'll always be here for you..."
I let out a tiny laugh at that, half sarcastic and half bitter. He wouldn’t always be there. Things would change and there’d be something more important in his life and all of a sudden he’s not there anymore. Nobody ever sticks with me.
"I mean it, Cay. Unless you don't want me to be"
“You’ll leave too” I muttered to myself.
He sighed and kissed my cheek. "I won't push it"
I kind of smiled at that. At least he knew when to drop things. He sort of smiled back a little and I didn’t really say anything. Eventually it was Maxxie who broke the silence, who had been sat biting his lip a tiny bit.
"I still love you, y'know... like a brother"
I smiled, earning a half smile in response. I still loved him but Gage was on my mind. The fact that I could’ve gotten over Maxxie with him around. Sure I might’ve ended up falling in love with him and he might not’ve loved me back but at least I would’ve been over Maxxie.
"You're going to London soon, aren't you?"
"Two day's time" he said begrudgingly.
"You won't see me get out of here, then" I chuckled slightly.
"I'm quite happy to cancel my flight, to be honest. I'd rather see you get out of here than go back to the UK."
"You make it sound like I'm having a party or something"
"It'll be far more fun than being in London, trust me."
"Didn't know watching me get a cab home and go to bed was fun"
"You do remember my parents, right?"
"Your mom was alright"
"To you" he laughed slightly.
"We'll do a mom swap then"
"Sure. If your mum doesn't think I've been sent from hell to ruin her son's lives"
I laughed slightly and he smiled a little. Trust me, Maxxie, my life manages to ruin itself well enough. He squeezed me gently and I sighed.
"C'mon Cay. What's made you go all quiet on me?"
He pulled a sort of unhappy face and sighed.
"I don't know what you want me to say, Max"
He shrugged. "I'm just worried about you and I feel like there's something I'm missing but maybe that's just me being stupid"
"There's nothing to miss"
The two of us were quiet after that. I had nothing to say to him really, and he was no doubt trying to work out what was the matter with me. After a while he hugged me.
"I should probably get going. I've not packed anything yet..."
I hugged back. "Hadley's probably done it already"
"Guess I'll see you when you get back"
"I might try and drop by tomorrow, if you want"
I shrugged and he got off the bed.
"Bye" I said flatly.
He sighed and started walking out. I knew I should’ve waited til he’d left but I had to look at Gage’s journal again. I pulled it out from under my pillow and started reading it again, flicking randomly through entries. I think I saw him look curiously at it but I was too busy looking at one of Gage’s drawings.
"Who's is that?"
I kind of froze. "Wha?"
"The journal" he sort of smiled, "not s'posed to snoop in journals that aren't yours"
"I'm not snooping"
Cue the curious face.
He frowned. "Yours looks different"
I shrugged. "I lost mine so they gave me a new one"
He laughed a little. "How can you lose a diary in bed?"
"Nicole let me sit outside and write"
I rubbed the back of my neck. "Guess I put it down and forgot to pick it back up"
"Not like you"
I shrugged again. I felt bad lying about Gage’s journal but it didn’t concern Maxxie. He didn’t even know the guy, why should I let Maxxie know about his journal?
Maxxie sort of smiled. "Anyways. I'll see you soon"
And with that he left again. I waited for him to leave before going back to Gage’s journal again. Is it normal to feel this bad over someone you only knew for a few days?