I don't know how long I stay curled up like that for. I know that at some point in the evening I closed my eyes and when they opened again, I needed to piss and it was day light again.
Doesn't make me move, though. I just stay there. I don't wanna move. Why bother when my life has managed to fall apart so thoroughly? Call me emo all you like, but in the last two months, I've been cheated on, lost a boyfriend, been raped, seen Alex move on from me completely, and now lost another boyfriend.
I feel like somehow I'm responsible for all of those things. I feel like Hadley split up with me because I did something wrong, but he wouldn't say what. I feel like... I feel like shit.
My eyes slid up to the digital clock flashing at me from my stereo and I groan. Work starts in an hour.
By the time I've only got twenty minutes to get ready, I push myself up, wincing at the ache in my muscles as I slowly move to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I change my clothes slowly and end up arriving late. I realise on the way I'd promised to go back and see Cayden again. With a sigh, I make a mental note of it to go see him tomorrow instead and apologise. Although it's not like I'm gonna be able to hide how fucking miserable I am.
What if he thinks Hadley left because of something I did? What would he say then? I don't want to be hated by both of them...
I drag myself into the back room where the woman I work with gives me one look and decides that what I need is a pity drink. Frowning, I shake my head and push it away and she sighs, patting my back.
"Chin up Maxxie." I force my lips up in a small smile and shuffle into the toilets, leaning on the sink. I look up at my reflection and recoil a little. I look about as shit as I feel. Splashing some cold water on my face, I take a deep breath and practice faking a smile. Once it looks passable enough, I slope out into the bar and set up, already looking forward to my break.
I clamber up on that dumpster again, pulling my knees up to my chest and leaning on the wall. Fumbling with a packet of cigarettes, I curse quietly to myself until I get one lit, trying to ignore that my hand shakes a little and the urge to cry again is back.
Footsteps announce the arrival of someone new, and I look up to see none other than John. I just look back down at the floor again. I can't be fucked with this right now. He's just gonna gloat and say how right he was.
"Not even a hello?" I shake my head, focussing on breathing. Kinda hard when your lungs are full of smoke, but y'know. "You're mean."
"Says the rapist," I mumble quietly.
"At least I say hi," he says, crossing his arms.
"Piss off," I mutter, still staring at the ground.
"Why so feisty today?" I just shrug. He smirks a little. "Want me to cheer you up?"
"No," I say sharply.
"But you do need cheering up. Wanna share?" Now, why would I share with you, of all people, John? I shake my head again, but he fucking keeps on at me. "C'mon, it'll make you feel better."
"Get the hint, fuckbag, I don't wanna talk to you," I growl, sliding off the dumpster and flicking my cigarette at his face. I don't give him a chance to react, shoving my hands in my pockets and walking off. "I told you to piss off," I snap as he follows me with a frown.