Demonic Possession Prevention Kit

 

So you've walked into a cavern, the shadows don't exactly look how they should and you can faintly recall a laughing blank faced woman pushing you down a deep dark hole? Well boy are you lucky, because you got your grubby mitts on 'Damnation Be Gone!', your guide to a blood sacrifice-free future. If you follow the simple instructions written on this convenient scroll of human skin, you will be back just in time to catch your appointment with the Black Plague.

 

  1. Step #1: Think back and make sure you haven't recently taken part in any rituals of the dark sort in recent memory. This is very important. If you haven't, continue to Step #2, if you have, continue to the final Step.

  2. Step #2: If you have any water with you, quickly douse your now shaking self, making sure to mutter something sounding vaguely mystic and holy. Though this will not give you any real protection, it may confuse them for a few precious moments, while performing the double duty of making you feel a little better about your situation.

  3. Step #3: This step is crucial. If the lighting conditions are optimal, read the spell neatly written in dried human blood on the back of this scroll. If you say it correctly you should summon our helpful customer service imp, Shaun, who will help in more complex situations. Disclaimer: Speaking the spell incorrectly may cause unforeseen side-effects such as eye leakage and sudden dismemberment.

  4. Step #4: If Step #3 was unsuccessful, our employee will not be able to help you, so you must check your surroundings. Find something that could be considered a weapon if viewed under the right light and hold it in your dominant hand. The malevolent force may appear in corporeal form. Rocks are always good.

  5. The Final Step: We are saddened to inform you that this scroll has no more useful information to offer you, though if you look at the very bottom we have printed a few fun facts! We encourage you to pray to whatever god or object you may hold faith in. The world is a dark place and you are in it's darkest. But take heart in this firm fact. You bought the best, 'Damnation Be Gone!', your guide to a blood-sacrifice future. Have a wonderful day!

 

 

 

If the results of this scroll are unsatisfactory Pseudo-Advice and Son will fully refund your product.

The End

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