Old People Defense Kit

First and foremost we'd like to personally thank you for choosing WoahOld(tm) as your source for everything-you-need defense against old people. Here at WoahOld we pride ourselves on our extensive knowledge on the ins and outs of being old. We have done countless studies with real live old people, and used our data to ensure that your interactions with old people are as brief and painless as possible... and without you having to be rude about it!

Everything you need is right here in this package, starting with the package itself! All of your supplies fit neatly inside this regular grocery bag. This is what we call an old people "deterrent". It can be used in one of two ways: First, if you dress nicely and look like a smart young man or lady, then you'll want to walk as if you're in a hurry. Old people know from experience how frustrating it is when you've just bought cold groceries, and all you want to do is get home quickly and stick them in the fridge. They will almost certainly take pity on you (especially if you appear to be walking home with cold groceries, which of course would be quite a feat for them) and thus will likely try to stay out of your way. 

If, on the other hand, you dress like a hoodlum, then carrying a grocery bag makes you appear to be a hobo, and old people are very strategic hobo-evaders. Either way, you're likely to avoid 70% of all old people encounters simply by carrying this package. (To increase this percentage to 83%, you can purchase a second Old People Defense Kit from WoahOld and carry it in your other hand!)

But what can you do to get out of an old person encounter once you're in one? The trick is to have the conversation interrupted by something that a) doesn't appear to have been caused by you (because that would be rude), and b) gives you an indisputable excuse to leave the scene immediately. Enter the BuzzMaster90. 

The BuzzMaster90 is a very simple device that looks VERY complex and important. Just turn on this bad boy whenever you enter a situation where you think old people are likely to want to talk to you (great for when you're shopping, dining in at fast food restaurants, at church, walking your dog, and many more). It will intermittently (you can choose one of 5 settings, from every half hour to every 30 seconds) go completely haywire and make frantic alarm sounds-- our unique concoction of beeps, buzzes, ringing, flashing lights, very distant background screams, and more! All at once! So if you get stuck with an old person, all you have to do is wait for it to go off. Then just pull out the device and stare at it in shock and horror, as if you've never seen it do that before. Tell the old person "I have to go! It's an emergency!" You won't have to explain anything, and he or she will have no doubts that it is indeed an emergency, based on the intense noise and serious appearance of that strange modern contraption.

However, sometimes you encounter old people in places you'd least expect, when you might not have had the forethought to turn on your BuzzMaster90. In these situations, you'll be well prepared. Inside your grocery bag is the perfect old people defense mechanism, the Picture Perfect Disaster Blaster. It's a small classy frame containing a picture of a baby hugging a puppy. Only there's ink spilled all over it. These pictures were individually destroyed by hand, by bursting an actual ink pen onto them, for an accurate visual effect. Tell the old person you want to show them a picture of your baby, puppy, or both. They'll be delighted, and you'll reach into your grocery bag and grab the picture. But oh no! Your pen exploded and now there's ink all over it! (A bursted pen is included in the kit too, in case you need further proof.) Old people take family photos very seriously, and will wholeheartedly understand your urgent need to go home and get that picture cleaned off. No explanation or rudeness necessary.

Most likely, these things will satisfy all of your old people defense needs. But in the unlikely event that you get stuck with an old person, your BuzzMaster90 isn't on, AND the Picture Perfect Disaster Blaster trick doesn't work (or if you can't manage to work your baby or puppy into the conversation, or just don't even feel like trying)... have no fear! There is a final resort, which will guarantee you a speedy exit from the presence of the old person. The EggMessWaitingToHappen366 is a single solitary egg, placed gingerly inside your grocery bag, vulnerable and poised for destruction. If the worst should happen, simply reach into your bag and squeeze the egg. The rest is obvious. There will be egg all over your hand. Just pull it out and show it to the old person, excuse yourself politely and go wherever you need to go to clean it up. They will understand. 

Replacements for the EggMessWaitingToHappen366 can be purchased separately from www.WoahOld.com, as you will certainly need to replace it after each use. It's a nasty last resort, but here at WoahOld, we understand that sometimes you just need to get away from old people no matter what the cost. Thank you for shopping with us, and we hope you enjoy an easy, old-people-free life from now on. 

The End

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