Hobo Defense Kit

A few years ago I made a "hobo defense kit" as a gag gift for my brother (it's a long story). I was browsing my hard drive and I found the instructions that I had written for the kit. I thought it'd be fun to post it and then open it up for everyone to write their own instruction manuals.


You are holding in your hands the Hobo Defense Kit from HoboGuard™! It is our sincere hope that you never find yourself in a situation where you need to utilize the contents of this package, but should you ever unwittingly walk into the depths of a hobo’s lair it could very well save your life. Please read the following instructions carefully, it outlines a simple four-step process that should get you out of any hobo encounter.

  1. Step #1: Most hobos just want a smoke. It’s one of the few things that can quell their uncontrollable hobo rage. If you find yourself face to face with a Box Car Willy don’t be a hero, simply give them the patented Hobo Tranquilizer 2000, which to the untrained eye looks a lot like a crummy old cigarette. Refills can be purchased at most reputable retailers (Also available in Menthol, bums love it!).
  2. Step #2: If the transient’s fury persists, it is time to utilize the HoboBuck. It’s a well known fact that a hobo’s primary source of income is pan-handling, so just hand over the HoboBuck and the transient will most likely squirrel it away in his bindle and scurry off to the train yard.
  3. Step #3: Hopefully by the time you have exhausted the Hobo Tranquilizer 2000 and the HoboBuck your encounter will be over, but if the derelict persists it’s time to try something a little more drastic. Try to give them the Magnum Fo-D. HoboGuard™ lab technicians have conclusively determined that malt liquor is to the average hobo what music is to the savage beast.
  4. Step #4: If steps 1-3 have somehow failed to pacify the vagabond then the situation has most likely escalated to violence. That means it’s time to fight fire with fire with your very own HoboShank XL. This hand-crafted shank was carefully carved out of a sturdy toothbrush by a real prison inmate. It features Batman™ on the handle because our studies have shown that the average hobo has a deep fear of the Dark Knight.

There you have it, everything you need to survive any hobo encounter. For questions and refills please call our friendly Customer Service at 1-800-HOBOGUARD.

The End

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