The thoughts and feelings of a bully...
This is not autobiographical, and it isn't meant offensively. I'm aware it's in need of a lot of polishing, but these were just some ideas running through my head this morning.
Hi. I bully you.
I bully you and I don’t regret it.
Well, why should I regret it, when I’m just trying to help you? To help us all.
Granted, there are some bullies whose motives are harmful. But, God! you didn’t trouble to find out which one I was, did you?
It’s easy for you to just brand us all as the cowards, the creeps, the ones who hate you. Well, what’s wrong with that? Freedom of opinion and whatever. Sure, I don’t have to go telling everyone my opinions, but it’s not like you’re going to keep your own to yourself if I do.
And it would be just as easy for me to decide that since there are things about you that get on my nerves, well, I might as well hate you anyway.
I never really hated you. I said I did, but I just wanted to see what you’d do. Of course I knew you were listening while we were talking about you! How could you think I didn’t? While I told absolutely everyone anywhere near that you were childish, and you took everything way too seriously.
Well, that was quite true. You had to hear it.
Why not to my face? you complain. Backstabbing is so hurtful.
God, it’s supposed to be hurtful. I was just wondering how you’d react. Would you prove me right or wrong? I had to make you angry, to see what your motives really were.
To you, backstabbing is backstabbing. End of story.
I was totally right. You didn’t even listen to me: ‘childish’…‘way too seriously’. Everything we said was a personal slight. Not a hint of things about you needing improvement, but something totally wrong. You were unable to listen to it.
You let your angry side get the better of you. And you marched in half-crying, but swearing and bitter and totally over the top. Chock-full with emotional rejection. Like a child. Just as we’d said.
And the cruel bullies rejoiced because it was so obvious we’d hurt you.
God, you’re so thick-skinned, you couldn’t take a hint!
For days afterward, all over the internet you were posting bitter little jibes against bullies and backstabbers. As if you wanted to make me feel guilty, to change me for the better. When it was always you we were trying to help.
It makes me laugh. Why should we be touched by your pain, when you weren’t touched by ours?
And yet if you hadn’t done any of that, I’d’ve respected you for your self-control, your sense of self-improvement…your ability to see the wider picture.
Because you are narrow-minded. If the only side you can see is the harm in my words, well, maybe you really are worthy of hatred. Because you’re ignorant. You don’t have a clue, and you don’t even seem to want one.
You said you’d never talk to me again. That I was out of your life forever. I never existed and I never will again, to your mind.
So likely! You’re way too angry to stop thinking about it. In ten years’ time, whenever someone mentions bullying you’ll think of me, and hate me for the harm I did. Well, your loss. You didn’t consider my motives, did you?
It’s a well-known phrase that even if you’re not particularly good-looking, you ought to make the most of it for the sake of other people. Since other people have to look at you, you know.
Well, maybe I could apply the same to you.
You have a strange way of making and keeping friends. Maybe that’s to do with your upbringing, what life has brought you. Funnily enough, most bullies bully for the same reasons.
Anyway, it’s a theory of mine that people should make themselves good and humble for the benefit of other people. For people who consider others, as of course you do, it’s a kind of duty. After all, we’re the ones who have to live with you. You can’t get away from you, it’s true. There’s nothing anyone can do about that. But you’re not the only one here. And the way you live with other people can be changed.
We’re not as accepting as you wish we were. And we’re never going to be, so don’t you try and change us.
Maybe you don’t know how to live with other people, without locking yourself away and never saying anything at all. Well, I’d help you, if you were good and humble enough to ask.
And what about me? You’re wondering why the hell I’m not just telling you all this to your face, but broadcasting it all over the internet for everyone to see. Yeah, well. Deal with it. It’s life. Hate me if you like, but don’t be so quick to condemn what I’m trying to tell you. Maybe I’m mean and nasty and narrow-minded, and worthy of just as much hate and cruelty as I cause you, but that doesn’t mean you have to give me that. I know what I am. It’s not your job to challenge me back, if I challenge you first.
The paragraph above is just a beautiful reminder to you of what a hypocrite I am. Don’t worry about that. Real people won’t try to make other people good and humble before they’re good and humble themselves. But I’m not a real person. I’m a bully. You’re not. You could be a good person, if you’d only listen to me.
This is a cycle, and you think you’re in the right, don’t you? You’re as bad as me if you can’t break free from it. Just ignore my flaws. I’m not the important one. It’s you who’s the one we’re trying to help, here.
I’m not going to stop bullying you. You can ignore me if you want, but I’m not going to stop till I get some results. You can tell anyone you want, or scream to me the truth of your anger…but until you make a move to understand where the hell I’m coming from, I’ll never leave you.