This is the only thought that I've had for the past 17 hours. He's back and I'm inexplicably happy, yet just so fucking sad. I can't fathom the feelings churning her,in the pit of my stomach- anxiety and happiness,and love,and pain, and uncertainty. I'm so uncertain....I have no idea whether I should welcome him back in with open arms- that's what my heart is screaming at me to do- or maybe hold him at arm's length-that's what my brain is advising.But how can I do either when I can't even bring myself to believe that he has really come back to me? It's so surreal, his resurfacing back into my life, I just don't know how to deal.. My world has found me and I feel like hiding.
This isn't how it was supposed to be.
That's my second thought, reverberating soundlessly through the channels of my mentality. I was not suppose to spend months missing him, he was always suppose to be here for me- he was suppose to always be by my side, but he left me and I shouldn't be happy to see I shouldn't still love him and this just wasn't how it was suppose to be.
But you do. That's the third and final thought that I'm thinking instead of reading or writing the essay that's due Thursday. It's all I've thought since lunch yesterday. Because, I've been fighting this war with myself on whether to hate him or to love him and this little voice in my head just keeps saying It doesn't matter what you tell yourself, you love him, and you know you do. Just stop fighting it, it's only hurting you more. Why is the little voice in my head so damn smart?
You love him because he's broken, like you.
I want to tell this voice to be quiet before the memories of who he is start rushing back, but again, this little voice is right. He is 19, wonderful,sweet,and mean. So very,very mean. He is angry at the world, and I'm angry at him for never listening. He is angry at the pain that never leaves his heart, and I'm pissed that he won't let it go. He is frustrated that the memories never leave him, and I want to throttle him because why should he want them too?But, he's been hurt, time and time again, so I hurt for him and the tears he's shed without anyone noticing-I hurt for his broken heart. I want so badly to be the one who heals him- the one who puts a smile back on that beautiful face..I want to be the one who reminds him that love doesn't have to be painful, that it doesn't have to be a war. I want to show him that he is the world to me, and that he doesn't have to prove his worth to me. I want him to stay, this time. I don't want him to be scared of my acceptance of him...I'm just hoping he'll let me love him, now that he's back.....