Heroin, I despise you.

I wonder what I'd be like if I grew up in a different place. I wonder if my sister would still be alive? I wonder what my life would be like if I never met him. And I wonder if my major would still be the same. I wonder if my sister had not met the friends she met. Would she have died from an overdose? I think about the first memory I have with her, often. Then, I think of the last set of plans I made with her. I wonder if she would still be alive if I picked up the phone that night. Would she? Or am I just killing myself with the unknown possibilities? I ask myself why I was so scared to talk to him about my sister? How I actually felt... Was it because he was slowly killing himself from the same drug? Why did I choose to love him? Even after my sister died from Heroin, why would I ever fall in love with someone so helpless to my biggest enemy? Would she approve or would she smack the common sense back into me? Two and a half years ago, when my sister left and when he walked into my life, I wish I knew what I was getting myself into. A love that is undying but just won't work. He got clean 6 months after my sisters overdose. Relapsed 7 months later. Clean for almost a year, breaks up with me, relapses again on his year. 4 months later... Unhappy and miserable he texts me to tell me he's using again, around my birthday. Calls me from rehab to tell me he loves me and misses me. 5 months later he texts me... he misses me and wants to see me. He's using again. Last time I spoke to him was Friday. I hate him because of what he puts me through. I hate him because he doesn't realize what I would do for him. I hate him because he doesn't realize he has to do this for himself. I hate him because he can't think for himself. I hate him because of how easily influenced he is. I hate him because he's not the person I know he can be. I hate him for knowing the way he feels about me, but the thought of forever makes him run. I hate him so unbelievably much that I don't even hate him at all. I love him for all of the same reasons. I love everything about him. The way he knows how to hold my hand and grab my waist, the way he looks at me and knows exactly what I'm thinking, and the way he loves me unconditionally but is just too scared to admit it. He used at my sisters funeral, so why am I in love with him in the first place? 

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