I'm awake before Benny comes in, but I don't move, not even when he flicks the light on. I just heal away the sting of the brightness after laying for so long in the darkness, my thoughts all hidden behind the white walls. I'm still tired, but I can't sleep anymore, my body's craving for a work out, some kind of exercise.
"What's been going on with you and Gemme, Cancer?" Benny asks, not waiting for me to wake up.
"Nothing," I mumble, my voice husky from having not used it for ages.
"That's what Gemme told me, but I don't believe that you, of all people, would put up with one flight to England, let alone another so soon after over here."His tone goes accusing and I shake my head as best I can against the pillow.
"Nothing happened. Gemme wanted to come see you and I was too tired to argue." Nothing wrong with a half truth, is there?
"Did you do something? Did you play nice? What are you guys not telling me?" He asks loudly, trying not to shout. I groan and roll over, pulling the pillow over my head.
"You didn't play nice, did you?" He shouts, ripping the pillow away from my head. I glare up at him.
"No! I did not play nice! If I hadn't walked away, I would have killed her! Does that answer your question? Are ya happy now?!" I find myself yelling at him. I stop, realize what I just said and slump, looking away. "She lied, made it look like she'd killed her dad ‘cause he slapped her. And we all know how I feel about murdering your own parents," I explain in a mumble, pulling the cover up to my chin, curling into a ball.
I want to sleep.
I want this to be like one of those dreams you have when you're half asleep in bed and it feels real even though you know it's not.
Only I know that this is real.
I try to keep the memory of killing my mom in the back of my head, behind those walls, and I grit my teeth as I see her slumped over the wheel of the car. I might not care so much about it if it weren't for the fact that knowing you're not supposed to kill your own family like that hadn't fucked me over so much.
Benny doesn't say anything for a while.
"Man, you know how to over react to things don't you?" he mutters eventually and I just roll my eyes as he sits on the bed next to me, leaning against the wall.
"You know I don't mean to, Benny." As I say this, Gemme walks in.
"You! It was not your place to tell him!" she screeches at me and I look up at her, sitting bolt upright as she screams the walls down.
"What I'm not allowed to explain why I'm in Japan rather than in South Carolina?" I shout back at her.
"You're not allowed to tell him what I did, because it should be my choice! I couldn't care less where you were."
"Wipe his memory then, see if I care!" I get out of the bed and start getting dressed, "all we ever do is fucking argue! I'm sick and tired of it and I've had enough." I growl, my voice snappish as I stuff my jogging trousers into my bag and zip up my hoodie. I shoulder my bag and stand up, facing her. "If you want me, you'll know where I am," I say, moving to push past her. She steps aside.
"I don't," she hisses as I pass her and I can't help the cold shudder inside of me as anger and hurt tear through my head. I open the door and walk out, slamming it closed again. I can hear Benny yell something as I walk down the corridor, but I don't hear his words. I don't want to. I want to go home, I want drugs and I don't want this love shit anymore.
At first, when Gemme wiped Emily out of my mind and I realized how I felt for her, it was amazing, I could deal with the fighting and the cravings when she cared, but recently, we've been at each other's throats almost constantly, and I really did scare myself when I felt like killing her in England. Benny was right, it was a total over reaction in that context, but when you think about how much we've been fighting the past couple of weeks or whatever, it doesn't surprise me that I was about to snap.
Eventually, after about an hour of walking around the edge of Tokyo - at least, I think that's where we are. Some huge city type place. Anyways, after walking around for ages, I find a tourist guy who looks kinda shifty. I walk over and stand beside him until he goes "what?" and smile. I know this look all too well.
"You ever done this before?" I ask, lighting a cigarette.
"Done what?" he counters, though his nerves show through. I don't blame him, the cops are driving around the block. It'd be enough to wind up anyone who wasn't confident.
"Standing around on a street corner whoring yourself out," I roll my eyes, "drug deal."
"How d'ya know?"
"At home, I'm a dealer. Here? I'm looking for someone who'll sell. I want to be higher than any fucking kite in the world, right now, and I figure if you're waiting for someone, they can deal with me, too." He doesn't relax as such, but he chats about random crap until his dealer guy comes along. And then we go to another hotel, and get so high, we feel like we're never gonna fall.
Who needs a steady girlfriend when you can rely on drugs anyway?