I sighed, nodding before walking over to the queue for the plane. When we got on it I shrouded myself in a vision as if I wasn’t on the plane and sat on Luca’s lap, resting my head on his chest, my hands resting on his leg and my legs were crossed as I sat side-ways. “Luca...” I mumbled.
"I just wanted to call your name..." I murmured.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for."
"Yeah," I smiled weakly, snaking my arms behind his back, linking them together, he wrapped his arms around me and I was soon asleep, I didn’t even realise I was tired. I could hear myself this time, I was dreaming, but I could hear myself cry out for him. What was worse, I couldn’t stop myself. "Luca, Luca, no, no I didn't. I didn't mean it, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Luca!"
"Shh. Gemme? Gemme, it's okay!" he mumbled, his hand running through my hair, it should have been calming, but it didn’t.
"No, I'm so sorry, don't go! Don't walk away!"
"I'm not walking away. Gemme, wake up."
"No, no, no, no, no!" Each word increased in pitch as I spoke them. He shook me gently and I cried one last time, "Don't go!" Before my eyes opened, glancing around me as I tried to gather where I was. "Oh, I'm sorry."
"I'm not going anywhere!" Luca muttered, exasperated.
"I said I'm sorry..."
"I know, but you didn't seem to be listening while you were still asleep."
"It was just a bad dream, don't worry about it."
"Yeah, a bad dream about me walking away," he sighed.
"Well, of course, that was a nightmare."
"Sorry," he mumbled.
"Don't be, I just was afraid, that recurring nightmare. When you walked away from me today, it would be like my dream and you would never return. I'm so scared that it's not a dream."
He was silent and used his lips to kiss me gently, but I pulled away hesitantly. "It will happen, won't it?"
"Of course not."
"Okay." I nodded, still a little unsure as I kissed him back.
It was his turn to hesitate. "You don't sound like you believe me."
"I don't, I'm just so scared..."
"Why don't you believe me?"
"Because you've walked away so many times before, one day, you won't come back."
"I'll always come back."
"I guess I just need to find out how much I mean to you."
"I've already told you how much you mean to me."
"Yeah," I nodded, I knew he wasn’t good with words, but I needed to hear it. He fell silent and I was silent too, but my face dropped, a frown contorting my lips.
"You won't tell me, again," I’m starting to think you can’t tell me again.
"You mean everything to me. You already know that though, why d'you need to hear it again?"
"Slight disbelief," I sighed.
"I guess I'm not feeling the love... God, just ignore me."
"Why would I ignore you if even I can see we need to talk?"
"Because I'm being stupid."
"Not really, I mean, I've given you reason to question things, haven't I?" /"Because God knows I'm not the most stable guy to depend on,"/ he finished in his head, worried about upsetting me again.
"Well, I just don't feel loved by you. I don't know why, but I do."
"How am I not making you feeling loved?"
"I don't know. I just feel distant from you."
"I don't know how I'm supposed to make you feel closer, Gemme. I love you. But that's not enough is it?" he sighed.
"I don't know, I love you too, I know I do, but, I think that it's fading..." I took my arms from around him, sitting up on his lap.
His arms loosened as a flicker of hurt flashed in his eyes. "How can it be fading?"
I shrugged, "I no longer feel my heart beat fast when you kiss me, I don't think of you as much when you're not here. When you hug me, I don't feel warm inside. I just feel cold."
He took his arms from around me and folded them across his chest, looking up at me, trying to keep that flicker of hurt out of his expression. "Then why do you fear me leaving so much? Why am I still here?"
"I don't know; why are you here?"
"I'm here because I love you, Gemme. I could have gone and found drugs or something and tried to forget that you said you didn't love me, but I didn't, I came and found you instead," he mumbled, his mind turning to the last time he found me at the beach.
I clutched my head, "stop that. It's unfair." I mumbled. Reluctantly, he pushed the memory aside, clearing his mind. "That, that is what I want to feel every day, the beach, not just once or twice every couple of weeks, I want that feeling every day."
"But wouldn't it lose it's... I dunno, specialness, if you felt that every day?"
"Yeah, I guess. You're right, I'm sorry."
"What're you saying sorry for?" he asked, raising an eyebrow slightly.
"For ever mentioning it,” I sighed. He was silent and I sighed. "Eugh," I moaned, wishing I really wasn't on a plane. "Is there anywhere I could go, where you won't follow me?"
He shrugged. "I've said before, if you don't want me to follow you, I won't."
I whined and realised, every time he says that I want him more than ever. God, I'm screwed up. "No, no, no." He just sighed and looked out of the window. I shook my head and sighed, before I placed my hands on his cheeks and gently tilted his head to look at me. He looked at me wordlessly and I stared into his eyes for a moment before smiling warmly. He seemed a little uncertain though, so I had to ask him what was up. "Nothing," he muttered and I shook my head, I just didn’t believe that at all.
"No, Luca, what's wrong?" I insisted and I just knew there was something that was hurting him.