I hate waiting for the plane; each second that passes is another second that Luca can get nearer. I sighed, flicking thorough a boring magazine that someone had been left behind. Damn... I was sat with nothing to do and the nagging thought in my head that I might have to give Luca answers just got louder and louder. I don’t like it. I want to go home, I want my mother to hold, my father to be the one that died and me and my brother to be happily playing in the mansion once more. But I was so far away from home, and I just had the feeling...
I wasn’t in Kansas anymore.
I’m sorry for that horrible quote, but I felt it quite fitting. Still, I heard the tannoy call my name and I ignored it. Of course I would; I didn’t want to face Luca, I just wanted to go home, I didn’t want to live like this, I wanted it to stop. But as he came round the corner with red cheeks and glazed eyes I pulled my knees up to my chest and buried my head in them.
I could hear his footsteps draw near and as they stopped I knew he sat down beside me. "I just want to know what I did that was bad enough for you to stop loving me," he mumbled after a while. Yes, I know what you want, I know I’m being unreasonable, but I just want to leave this all behind.
“Go away,” I mumbled, not lifting my head.
"Gemme, all I'm asking for is the answer to that one question. I'll leave you alone if that's what you want but not until I get the answer."
"No." My short, sharp answers are just a way of trying to get the conversation to end.
It took him almost no time at all to answer me, "why not?"
"Just, no,” you see, I was so sure I knew what I wanted, but now that he was here I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore. I suddenly didn’t want to leave.
"Was it that I walked away from you at the house because I didn't want to snap and make things even worse? Kinda back fired a bit though..." I was silent, but he didn’t give me much time to answer anyway before he continued. "Wanna know why I came and found you instead of finding a dealer and getting high?’Cause I love you. It sounds fuckin' cheesy but that's the truth. But apparently I don't even deserve an answer to my question?" he sighed.
"I love you too." I mumbled beneath my breath, damn it. No, no, no, no, no! My inner voice rose as I repeated the word. I don’t want this. I don’t want this, why the hell did I just say that!?
"Then what was all that back in the village? About not loving me," I want to turn round and say ‘because I don’t,’ but I know that if I do that I’ll only confuse him more and instigate more questions. I didn’t want that. So, I did what I thought was best and kept silent. I still haven’t looked up and by now I had even closed my eyes.
"I don't get it, Gemme. I don't understand why you're doing this, and you won't even answer my question... I mean... what, do you just want me to go without explanation and do it quietly without questions, without making you think about why you're doing this?" he paused and looked at me, "I'll let you go if it's what you really want, I'll let you run away again and I won't follow if you don't want me to, I just... wanna know why."
I took a deep breath, lifted my head so my chin rested on my knees and opened my eyes. I didn’t look at him, I couldn’t do that and I just couldn’t. So instead I stared blankly at the store in front of me. “No, no you don’t. Because it will only make you worse, it will only make you feel worse about yourself.” I’m sure it would, “I don’t want to tell you.”
"Well hey, it's not like I don't know I'm a shit person already. At least if I know what it is, I can add it to the list of things that needs changing," he sighed.
I growled, turning my piercing eyes to him for just a second. "That. Don't do that."
"What?" he asked bemused.
"That! Doubt yourself, stop it. The whole, 'I'm a horrible person thing.' Oh and the fact that every little thing in your life now relies on me. I want someone to protect me! Not the other way around. I want someone to hold and to never let go that will protect me!" I snarled, burying my head back in my knees again.
He was silent, of course he was, why the hell would he say anything hmm? "Now're you happy, huh? Are you happy now?" I cried, my sobs rather expertly muffled by my knees.
"No, of course not, why would I be happy knowing that I'm completely the wrong person for you?" He asked whilst standing up, I bloody knew it. But ever since I kept getting hunted all I ever looked for was someone who could stop them.
I fell silent; I only moved to lift up my head and wipe away my tears, drying my cheeks slightly before resting my head back on my knees. "I'm sorry, Gemme. I hope you find the guy you're looking for soon."
"I already did. Then he lost himself." I sighed.
"Who's to say he was ever found?" he asked quietly, turning away, looking for the exit before glancing back at me. "I need a smoke, I'll be outside."
"Of course, well, my plane's here soon, I'm about to walk out of your life and you need a cigarette. Go right ahead."
"It's your choice what you do, Gemme. I think I've learnt my lesson that dragging you back with me doesn't work that entire great."
One of my hands balled into a fist and I was about to snap, I knew it. I looked up, lunging at him, my fists pounding on his chest. "Stop it, just stop it! I want to go home!" I cried.
He grabbed my wrists and held me firmly but gently. "Isn't this your home? England?" he asked.
"Home is where the heart is, Luca." I always believed in that, which was why when mum died I left, because when she died, my home died too. It took me forever to find that again, but when I did...
"So why d'ya keep running away from it?" I didn’t know what to do with it.
"Because I'm lost," I whispered, not physically, I just didn’t know what to do with myself and when you have an eternity to plan out you can’t exactly be lost.
"And how am I supposed to... guide you?" I wasn’t quite sure how to answer that, so I just generalised.
"Just, protect me." I begged, my anger lowering each second he held me, even though he held me by the wrists.
"I protected you from the worst of my temper last night, only that didn't seem to go down too well..."
"Not just from yourself, from myself and from the world." Anger turned to sorrow and my red cheeks turned to red eyes as the tears streamed down my face again.
"How can I protect you from you, though?" I was silent; I don’t know the answer to that. If I did, then surely, I wouldn’t need protecting, would I? “If you don't tell me how, I won't know, will I?"
"Damn it I don't know, I just need to... home..." That was sort of a mixture of all the thoughts that ran through my head, I couldn’t quite pick just one.
"Okay. Okay, we'll go home. I need a ticket, though."
"I don't have one either." I whispered with a slight smile on my face. He let go of my wrists and I smiled, allowing my now free arms to wrap around his waist. He hugged me back and I sighed;
"You have a duty, Luca. You have my heart and that's a precious thing. You have to keep following me and I promise you, one day I'll wake up."
"I hope that day comes sooner rather than later," he murmured.
"I'm sorry, I don't know. I just don't know."
"Guess we'll find out some day."
"Yeah, I hope so." I nodded in agreement, smiling slightly, unwilling to let him go.