She's leaving, and I don't know why. I'm not sure which part of this hurts more - her telling me she doesn't love me, or the fact that I walked away to protect her from my temper and she took it the wrong way.
My thoughts are as scattered now as they were before I realised just how much Gemme means to me. I walk back to the motel and sit on my bed, so confused and angry and hurt and... and... I don't even know if there's a word for it, to be honest.
Chase her? Give her space?
What is there that I can do to fix this, or figure out at least what I've done so wrong to get that reaction from her?
"Flying, on a jet plane, I don't know when I'll be back again."
That was what she was singing, before. Is she planning on flying off somewhere? I can't hear anything on her end. She's somehow ct off the connection thing we had and it's unnerving.
The noise inside my head rises and I notice my hand is shaking as I fight the urge to find something to make my head stop. I already know there's no razor in the bathroom, there's not gonna be a dealer in the rainy ass end of nowhere, and I have no idea where Gemme might be going.
Apart from possibly an airport.
I check out of the B&B and realise I've only got dollars in cash on me. Shit. Whatever. I throw a handful of dollar bills down on the counter and go to walk away.
"Umm, we don't accept dollars here, sir," the woman on the counter says, picking them up and making as if to hand them back to me.
"It's money. Deal with it," I snap, slamming out of the door into the street. I don't know how I'm supposed to catch up with her now. Taxis don't work the same way here as they do in America - you have to... I dunno, book them or some shit like that. I don't have time to do that.
But before I pick a car to hotwire, I need directions of some kind. Assuming she's going to the airport, of course.
I tap some guy on the shoulder and when he turns around he looks like he nearly shat himself just looking at me. Guess I look kinda pissed off. I ask him where the nearest airport is and he stutters his way through all the directions, but I think I got it. As I walk away he suddenly grows a pair of balls and shouts after me "A thank you wouldn't go amiss, young man!"
I laugh and turn around and he shits himself again.
Guess I just have that effect on people.
Sitting in a hotwired car, travelling along a wet, winding, blind corner-y road, doing seventy in a twenty zone, trying to remember to drive on the left. It's unnatural. The car's the wrong way around and the roads are the wrong way around and everything in my life is more fucked up than normal and all I want is for my head to shut up, only it won't unless I get a hit of... something. Anything. I don't care what, to be honest, as long as it makes my head stop. But every time I get a craving, I remember I'm trying to find Gemme and somehow fix this, or at least figure out why she hates me so much and...
Take a breath, Cancer.
I don't know how I feel, still. Confusion turned to empty noise a few minutes ago and that's even worse, because I know it's the cravings doing that.
Where are you Gemme, why d'ya go?
What did I do?
What did I do?
Only I know she's not hearing me anymore. Guess it's just become a natural reaction to call for her in my head.
Ifs and buts chase each other around my head in a maddening tornado of nonsense.
If I was a more stable guy, you wouldn't have lost it and she wouldn't have gone. If I wasn't a user, if I wasn't violent, if I wasn't me.
If I wasn't me, things might have worked.
But no. I'm me, and it feels like a life imprisonment in my own body. Lock me up and throw away the key, see if I care. The only thing that'll be doing my head in is myself.
As I hit a stretch of straight road, I barely even notice as the needle on the speed-o-meter moves beyond seventy, gliding past eighty and onwards. The airport's close. There's planes flying all over the place in the sky - what I can see of it anyways. Of course I don't know the roads, so guiding the car with telekinesis only half works. I fix my eyes back on the road, watching as other drivers get out of my way.
I see the airport building come into view and pull in, pretty much praying I'll find her.
I hate airports.
But I love Gemme.
I don't care what she says, she's still the best thing that's ever happened to me, and if she thinks I'm going to give that up without a fight...
She's much, much mistaken.