I have them.
Lots of them.
I would be a psychologist's nightmare. Either that or they'd have a field day.
I don't know how it's possible for Gemme to not care about these many, many issues. Like my temper. One minute I'm kicking and screaming and wishing I could just rip her apart, and the next, I'm in bed, half asleep with my arm around her. Okay, not literally minutes, but you know what I mean.
Closing my eyes, I make myself stay where I am, with Gemme under my arm, pressed up against my chest. It's hard, but I resist the urge to turn over or get up and I manage to stay that way until I fall asleep. At least when I'm asleep, I can't be blamed if I do turn over.
When I wake up, I've let go of her, but she's still pressed against me. I've woken up before her for once, but for a moment, I think she's awake, because when I move, she tells me not to go. I realize that she's talking in her sleep, though and roll onto my back, just lying there, trying to block out her voice as she begs me not to leave.
"I'm not going anywhere, you stupid bint," I mutter under my breath as she whines my name again. Bored of the sleep talking, I prod her in the side sharply to wake her up.
"Ahh!" she yelps and then looks at me, "oh, morning, Luca," she mutters.
"You were talking in your sleep," I tell her bluntly, sitting up. She blushes.
"What? What was I saying?"
"Begging me not to leave. I told you I wasn't going anywhere but you didn't listen."
"It's not like I wanted to say those things." She sighs. "I'm sorry, I've obviously agitated you." I want to roll my eyes, but I guess I'm supposed to be playing the calm one today.
"I'm not agitated, I just got bored of hearing ‘Luca, don't go, please don't leave me' after you said it five times." I shrug and swing my legs out of the bed. "I'm gonna have a shower," I run my fingers over my chin, "and shave," I add in a mutter.
"Sorry..." she mumbles and I turn to look at her.
"What're you saying sorry for? I can stay if you want; you'll just have to put up with the stink of stale sweat." And my stubble. I look like a hobo when I let it get too long.
"Not that. Although I can deal with that, I'm sorry for crying for you." I just shrug again.
"S'ok," I mutter, standing up and looking for some clean clothes.
"Luca..." she mumbles, sliding out of the bed about as gracefully as I do and running over to me. She throws her arms around me, taking me completely by surprise and I stumble back a step as she knocks me off balance. I put my arms around her waist, wondering why she's clinging to me like a life buoy. She smiles at me. "I love you," she says.
"Mmm, love you too," I mumble. I really want that shower, suddenly. As much as I love looking and smelling like a homeless person...
Of course that's when Gemme leans in to kiss me.
And I oh-so tactfully drop my arms from her waist and pull away, pretending I didn't notice that she'd moved to kiss me.
"I'll be back in ten." I smile.
"Okay," she nods, apparently unfazed. Dropping her arms from around my neck, I move away, snatch up my black skinny jeans and white shirt and bugger off to the bathroom before she can launch herself at me again.
The shower passes all too quickly and it only crosses my mind to cut my throat with the razor once while I'm shaving. It wouldn't really work with a blade that small, to be honest. Hence why I only think of it once.
I shouldn't be thinking about that at all.
That can't be good.
See what I mean about being a psychologist's nightmare/dream-come-true?
"I have to go out in half an hour," I say as I walk back into the bedroom, "Izzy's going out of town for the day and I need to be there while she's not." I sit on the edge of the bed and run some hair gel through my hair. Gemme mutters an uncertain "umm... okay" as I sort through all the stuff in my bag, hesitating as I see the pills at the bottom, the little smiley faces grinning up at me and I know how easy it'd be to just take one without Gemme noticing.
I pause and lay my knife on top of them, clearing my thoughts again. Ecstasy would make me huggy, and really, really loving. And while I know Gemme wishes I'd hug her and love her again, it's probably not a good idea to do it like that.
"You don't sound so sure," I say, looking up at her. She blinks and thinks for a moment, staying quiet.
"Nope, it's fine," she says after a while and I look back down at my bag. I force the drugs to stay where they are as I see them tremble slightly, ready to leap out into the air and tell Gemme just how much I want them.
"It probably won't get too busy... I guess you can come too if you really want." I say, lying back on the bed, wishing I hadn't woken up.
"I'll pass thanks, you need time to think." Time alone is the last thing I need right now.
Oh well. As long as you think you can keep your hands off Benny all day, I guess it's okay to leave you alone together.
Shut up, brain.
I smile and stand back up, hug her loosely, kiss her on the cheek and walk out of the room, my bag following me down to the front door. I grab it and leave the house, taking a shortcut to Izzy's just so I don't have to pass the park.
I hope I can get over this soon - it's tearing us both apart.