I drive in silence for a ways. I don't know how I managed to forgive her. I mean, we all know what happened to Emily, after all. And the principle was pretty much exactly the same, after all.
But after a while, thinking starts doing my head in again and I just put the stereo on loud and try to drown the thoughts out.
You wanna know one thing, though?
Emily's finally shut up. Forgiving Gemme seems to have done it. The memories are still there, of course they are, but they're not the headache inducing mess of noise that they were before.
I smile a little and light a smoke, glad that the person that owned this car has some decent CDs. I let go of the wheel and flick through the CD book, picking out one by Asking Alexandria.
As the CD starts up, the opening of Alerion playing, I hear a whisper in the back of my head. "I love you so much." Gemme. I nod to myself and turn the music up, clearing my head. I text Rayn and tell him to wait for me outside and give me my bag - I don't plan to stop in Cameron.
He replies quickly. "were teh fuk did u go lst nite?" I smile. "went bk to newberry. Made up w G. C u in a bit" the rest of the journey passes quickly and it feels like I blink and I'm outside Rayn's house. He hands me the bag through the window and I turn the CD down for a moment.
"So you're gonna cheer up now, emo fag?" he laughs. I smile.
"Yeah. Yeah, I am. But if you call me an emo fag again, I might have to hospitalize you." I threaten in a friendly voice. He grins and waves as I drive away again, heading back for Newberry.
The journey back passes in a blur, too, and I realize I never actually got much thinking done. I guess I just needed some time to get my head around the new quiet in my mind and the fact I forgave Gemme.
I park the car in the garage, grab my bag and smokes and walk inside.
"I'm back," I call, wondering where she is. I hear her move around upstairs and as I walk to the bottom of the stairs, she appears at the top.
"Luca!" she says. I smile and start up the stairs. "You're back!" she cries, flinging her arms around my neck.
"You make it sound like you expected me to never come back," I laugh, hugging her back. I might not have gotten much thinking done, but I think the drive still managed to do me some kind of good.
"No, I just missed you," she says and I smile.
"You do that a lot," I mutter, pulling back so I can put my bag in our room.
"Should I...not?" she asks as I dump the bag on the bed, sitting beside it. I shrug.
"I dunno. I was just saying you miss me a lot. I didn't say it was a bad thing."
"So how did your... thinking go?"
"I didn't get much thinking done, to be honest. The owner of that car has a good taste in music, I got distracted by their CDs," I smile. "But the drive cleared my head. I feel better now, and Emily has shut up for the first time in fuck knows when."
"Good. How do you feel toward me?" Weird question.
"Better, I guess," I mutter, holding my arms out for another hug, "I don't think I'd be here otherwise." She nods and sits beside me, hugging me back.
"I think you'll get sick of me apologising, so just once more...I'm so, so, so, so terribly sorry!" yeah, you're right, I will get sick of you apologising.
"How about we make a deal, hmm? After today, we never mention it again and just try to forget it ever happened, yeah?" because that's all I wanna do, is forget about the whole fucking thing. New start, clean slate, and all that jazz, right?
"Uhh... uhm, yeah, sure," she stutters and I sigh.
"You don't sound so sure about that," I mumble, letting go of her and lying back on the bed. I let my eyes unfocus as I stare at the ceiling.
"I don't know how you could do that," she says.
"I don't know how you can't," I counter, glancing at her for a second before letting my eyes go back to the ceiling.
"I can." So why say you don't know how I can do that? I sigh and drop it, staying silent. "I want to forget it and I can, I guess I just think you're too good sometimes."
"I don't think I've had the word good used about me in my life without it being related to drug dealing," I laugh dryly, wondering why she thinks I'm ‘good'.
"Well, you are, you've always been good to me, loved me, helped me, sacrificed for me..." She smiles, lying down close to me. "I am nothing in comparison," she says. Huh, if you say so, Gemme.
"Yeah, right. You can't be nothing if you were worth giving it up for and forgiving, right?" I smile at the ceiling. Wouldn't have forgiven you if you were nothing.