I get upstairs and end up sleeping in the room Benny slept in. Didn't wanna sleep in the bed we shared, really.
I can't sleep, either. I try. I lay there in my boxers under the duvet for a while, trying to make my head quiet, but I can't even get to my quiet place anymore.
My bag is still at Rayn's, hence the lack of jogging pants. But I still have a bit or heroin and some cigarette papers in my jeans pocket.
Yeah. I end up smoking heroin in bed.
It makes me sleep, though.
I wake up alone, the sun shining harshly through the window onto my face. I squint and roll over, facing away from the window. I don't get out of bed; I just lay there and enjoy the fragile silence in my mind.
The moment I realise I really need to use the toilet, though, it's broken and I sigh, pulling the duvet up over my face and trying to go back to sleep. I don't want this. I don't want to be here. I don't want to fuck everything up again. Gemme might have cheated, but I still lost it when I should have kept my cool.
I sigh, unable to ignore the call of nature any longer and push myself up out of bed. I pull on my jeans and go to the bathroom, have a piss and a shower, brush my teeth and briefly consider shaving. Maybe not such a good idea to even be in the same room as my razor right now. So I leave that and go back to my room, sitting on the end of my bed in just my pants because my shirt smells weird. A mix of drugs and sweat and smoke. It's not a great mix.
I don't really want to go downstairs. Am I really ready to decide what I want? I'm still so confused.
I go down anyways. And... I can't find her. I look around all downstairs, but I don't find her anywhere. She's not upstairs anywhere either.
Eventually I find her outside, still sat on the wall. She's absolutely soaked. Guess it rained when I went in.
"Why did you sit in the rain?" I ask as I walk outside, standing a few paces in front of her.
"I couldn't move, I didn't want to be too close to you." That makes absolutely no sense at all. So I tell her that.
"Make your mind up! You want to be with me, yet you'll sit out in the rain all day just so you don't have to be too close?"
"I didn't want to be too close and you wake up and snap."
"I would hardly have snapped if you were in another room, Gemme. You could have at least gotten in out of the rain," I shake my head. Girls!
"I dunno, I started thinking, then... I sort of couldn't move. Not to mention it was cold. I couldn't really feel my body."
"Right..." I mutter, not really knowing what else to say. "Well are you gonna come inside now?"
"Do you want me to?" What kind of a question is that...?
"It's your house, Gemme."
"Fine..." She mumbles, sliding off the wall. She wobbles slightly, unsteady after having been sat down for so long and follows me back inside.
"I left my smokes in the car. One sec," I mutter, walking to the garage. It's only now, as I walk over to the car that I realise I stole a black merc. Funny how things like that just kinda stand out at weird times, eh? I grab my smokes from the passenger seat and light one on my way back to the living room.
Truth is though, I kinda left the room because I haven't got a fucking clue what I'm s'posed to say next. I'd ask her what was on her mind all day, but then I'd just sound like one of those nosy psychiatrists. So when I get back, I don't say anything, I just sit down on the sofa opposite her, knees up against my chest as I try to keep the noise in my head to a minimum.
She doesn't say anything either and I feel more awkward with every moment that passes. I glance up at her, hoping that if I catch her eye I can spark some kind of conversation, or that I'll magically know what to say next.
She turns to look at me, but still says nothing. Her mind keeps going back to that moment at the beach, the memory playing out in both our minds. She looks away from me again and I put my head on my knees, wishing she wouldn't keep showing me that. I don't know if I want to see that or not. I lift my head long enough to take a drag on my smoke and then put my head back down again. I wish there was an easy way out of this.
"So do I and I don't keep showing you it, not intentionally. It's the only thing on my mind." She murmurs, pulling her knees up to her chest same as me. I lift my head and rest my chin on my knees instead of my forehead.
"Forever." I mutter the word in my head and out loud, the memory of that night from my point of view flashing up in my mind too. "No such thing as forever," I mumble, taking another drag on my cigarette, brushing a lump of ash off my jeans.
"I told you forever wasn't long enough." She sighs. "I wish it was forever..." She rests her head on her knees so she can look at me sideways.
"Well... everyone's obsessed that the world's gonna end in 2012 anyways so..." I pause, trying to straighten the words out in my head first, "so we might as well enjoy the next couple of years as best we can, right?" I look up at her, hoping she gets what I mean.
Told you that the world looks a whole lot better after some sleep and heroin.
She nods and smiles. "Yeah, you're right." She pauses, "You're too good for me, Luca." I'm glad she didn't make me spell that one out. It was hard enough saying it like that. I smile slightly too, screwing my cigarette butt into the ashtray, lighting another one straight after.
"So you still going back to England?" I ask after a moment.
"Do you want me to?" I shrug slightly. I dunno.
"It's up to you, Gemme, not me," I mutter.
"I missed you after a day; I don't think I can be away from you that long."
"Well like I said, it's up to you to make the choice whether you go or not," I shrug again and lower my feet to the floor. "I left my bag at Rayn's last night; I didn't think to pick it up. I'm gonna go back and get it." I need some time alone to get my head around the fact I'm forgiving her for what she did. I stand up.
"I'll see you later."