He hit me, he finally hit me. It wasn’t as bad as what I thought though. I felt his urges to hit me throughout the conversation and although I could feel his anger calm I knew it wasn’t over. I still hadn’t got him back. I was still trying not to cry; ever since he hit me the urge to cry became too hard. I still managed to meet his eyes though, despite the tears fighting behind them, despite the quivering lip, I could still meet his eyes. “It’s enough of it.” I shook my head, trying not to touch my cheek where he had slapped me.
He leant back on the car and folded his arms, looking at the floor. "Y'know, I did say I was sorry for making you take my memories." It’s good he managed to calm down, he wasn’t shouting anymore.
"And I did say you didn't need to apologise, I already forgive you." He fell into his predictable silence and I continued, "Luca, I know I said I wanted to talk, but I can't hang like this. I need to know what you want me to do."
He rubbed his forehead tiredly. "I don't know what I want. I've been high for fourteen hours straight and I had you and Emily in my head all the way here. Excuse me for not being able to think straight."
"Then sleep, Luca, you should have said that first thing!" I sighed; my caring instinct kicking in, although now was not the time. I stood up, cautiously stepping toward him in a shuffling motion. I raised a hand to his forehead slowly. "Yeah, you just need some sleep."
He slapped my hand away irritably. "No shit." he growled and then sighed. "You said you wanted to talk, so I came here. I was hardly gonna stop in a motel for the night."
I placed my hands behind my back, shuffling a few steps backwards. "Yeah, well, I don't know... I want you, Luca. I want to hold you close and damn it, never let go. But...I know you'll only push me away and I don't think I can go through that. I don't want to put you through that."
He pushed his hair back out of his face and looked up at the window to our room. "Can you not wait for a few hours?"
"Of course, go, sleep." I nodded.
Saying nothing more, he got in the car, parked it in the garage and went indoors, thudding off up to the bedroom. I sat back down on the wall, allowing Cosmo to jump into my arms where I held him close. It was like the sword of Damocles. He had my whole life dangling over my head on a single thread that depended on his anger.
I rested my back on the pillar and placed my feet on the wall, stretching out as I ran my hands through Cosmo’s fur. I want to hold him again so badly, I wanted him to hold me. I shuddered as a cold wind gusted past and I realised it was about to rain. But I didn’t want to walk in there and be close to Luca when he didn’t want it. Even Cosmo sat loyally in my lap as the raindrops pelted down on my skin, my hair began to cover my face as it began to straighten and I sighed, closing my eyes I tucked my chin into my chest.
“I want you back, Luca.
I want to hold you, kiss you.
I want you to love me again.
Please...” I whimpered into the rain as Cosmo curled up in my arms.