When I wake up it's almost night time again.
Rayn is sitting in an arm chair with a joint and some shitty movie on in the background. He's not watching it. He's just staring at me.
"what're you staring at?" I snap. Well, I try to snap. It comes out all sleepy, but he gets the point.
"You're not half fucking noisy in your sleep," he remarks, taking a drag on his joint. "Gemme this, Gemme that, sorry, Gemme, I'm sorry. Fucking shut up!" he laughs. Aw, crap. I roll over to face the window. I didn't actually talk about her in my sleep, did I?
How fucking embarrassing.
It's bad enough to have become so dependent on her in the first place, but sleep talking? I grew out of that when I was, like, five!
"Hey, what're you doing later? There's this new dealer in town. You guys would get on." Rayn sensibly changes the topic and I mutter a "yeah" and close my eyes. I need a shower, I need to shave and have a piss and get my act together.
But I don't do any of those things.
I sit up and push my hair back, glaring at the TV. I make it turn itself off and get off the sofa bed, snatching his spliff as I walk past him. He yells at me, but I ignore him, instead getting my knife and strapping it to my arm. I take a long drag on the joint and hand it back to Rayn. As he takes it back, my wallet floats out of my bag and settles in my pocket, a few small bags of heroin, coke and whatever else following it.
"Ready?" I ask, pushing the plastic bags into my pockets. He nods and opens the door, walking out into the road. I slam the door shut behind me and we set off up the road.
I can't be bothered to detail what happens, really. Let's just say it went in a blur of cash and coke lines.
Rayn was right though. The new dealer's cool. He doesn't mind me doing a bit of my own dealing. I need the cash, I said. Going back to Nevada, I explained. Rayn looked at me oddly and later asked me why I was going back there of all places.
"To thank my dad for raising me to be just like him," I spat, and Rayn dropped it after that.
Thinking about it, I don't even know where my dad is anymore. I just kinda assume he stayed in Nevada. Not like he actually cared when Rayn's family took me in.
Right now, I'm sitting in the corner of the living room in the dealer's apartment with my knees up against my chest. You remember the one I stole off Nikki? It's still being used as a drug den. I'm near the window. I opened the window, because I couldn't breathe again, but then I remembered it wouldn't help because it was just the heroin.
I vaguely remember Rayn taking my knife off me. At least, I hope that's why I don't have it anymore. I think someone tried to steal my drugs and I wasn't happy about it, to say the least.
I drop my head back down on my knees and clear my head again.
I came down a while ago. Everyone else is still high, and I can't quite bring myself to take any more. I mean, the cravings are there, I want my head to shut up like never before, but I feel sick.
It ain't the kinda sick I can heal away, either.
I just wanna crawl in a hole and die, right now. I want Gemme back, but I think after last night, I'll be lucky if she even acknowledges my existence.
"Cancer! Cancer!" Rayn yells. I look up and he flies at me, throwing himself at me in a hug. Did I ever mention he gets all huggy and hyper when he's high? No? Well, now you know why he's clinging to me.
"Get off me Rayn," I groan, not even trying to push him off me. He giggles and hugs me tighter.
"CHEER UP CANCER!" he yells in my ear. I wince and dislodge him, pushing him away this time.
"You're sitting in the corner like an emo fag. Cheer the fuck up already." He laughs. I stand up and he asks me where I'm going. "Home," I answer. Though I'm not sure where home is anymore. Here? Newberry? Nevada? I sigh and start looking for my knife.
At least if I decide to go to Nevada, the drive from South Carolina would give me plenty of time to myself.
Not sure if that's what I even want.
I find the knife after a quick search. It's on top of the wardrobe. I sheathe it and leave Rayn a text on his phone. He won't remember I've gone, otherwise.
And then I'm gone. Lost and stuck between the two mes again. I wanna find Gemme and tell her I'm sorry, and I should probably find out if Benny survived what I did to him. But I still wanna crawl away and die somewhere, and Cameron seems like the perfect place to do that.
I light a cigarette as I walk aimlessly. Just following my feet.
They don't really take me anywhere. I'm so undecided about where to go that I just walk in a huge circle around the town.
"Luca. I want to talk to you. One last time." The sound of her voice in my head surprises me so much, I lose concentration on staying upright and I trip over my own feet, falling flat on my face. I groan and sit up, wondering if I was imagining it, if it was the after effects of the drugs I've been taking all night. Urgh. I still feel ill. "Watch where you're going, silly," she chides me and I instantly pull my knees up to my chest, trying to clear my mind. Go away, get out of my head. I'm not ready for this.
"Please, can I see you one last time? Then I'm gone, I swear."
"Why?" I ask stupidly, trying to think of a reason she can't see me.
"Because I'm going back to England and I can't leave without saying goodbye, Benny's fine by the way." I'm so shocked by the first part of what she says, I barely hear the rest of her thought.
"England?" It's so far away... I begin to feel even more sick and I put my head back on my knees, trying to heal it away, except it won't fucking go away.
"Yeah, it's my home; I have nothing here anymore what with you... Can I please see you?" I think my heart stopped when she said that. Literally. I'm gonna blame the drugs. I cough and make it work again and try to stop the sick feeling rise.
"I'll... I'll come to Newberry. I'm gonna be going that way anyways." Am I? Why did I say that?
"Really? I don't mind going back to Cameron."
"Yeah... I- I had this stupid thought earlier, that I'd go find my dad and show him what he raised. I must have been high, but I dunno where else I can go, really."
"Come see me, we'll talk. I still love you, Luca." She knows I don't to talking so well. That's why I know she likes Benny, ‘cause he can do all that emotional talking shit that just goes over my head. But I sigh and reply anyways,
"Yeah, okay." I still love her, but I dunno how she can love me after all that. I get up, pick a car and hotwire it. "I'll see you in a bit."
Fuuuuuuuuuuck. What am I doing? I'm just gonna end up bawling my eyes out like a kid or losing it again. Or both.
I try to ignore this and just drive.