Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Why does Jeremy, firstly have a shit car, and secondly, leave it with less than half a tank of gas?
I get out of the car, slam the door, punch the window, pull the bits of glass out of my fist and scream. It's a wordless scream and in it there's the sheer anger and fury I feel towards Benny and Gemme and Jeremy's shit car.
But there's pain and probably a bit of sorrow, too.
Either way, I'm close to Cameron, now. Somewhere between Newberry and Cameron. Stuck somewhere between two worlds, two different lives. Two different mes. In Cameron, there was Cancer, the teenage fuckup who took drugs to make his head shut up and lived in a drug den. And in Newberry, there was Luca, nice guy, still screwed up, but alright, and had finally found something to care about.
Now? Now I'm stranded between the two, with nowhere to go and nothing to do.
I look around at the deserted highway. Not a gas station in sight and I'm not in the mood to walk anywhere just to get a can of gas for some shit car that was owned by a pervert. Finally, I sit back in the driver's seat and bang my head on the steering wheel, gritting my teeth as I try to think of someway of unsticking myself. I don't wanna be stranded between the two mes.
In fact, I wanna go back to Newberry and see if by some miracle I can fix this, but I'm still too angry to even comprehend apologising to anyone for anything.
So I just sit there with my head on the steering wheel, being pissed off at everything, wishing I could die.
Why me, eh? Why can't I just die like everyone else can? I glance at my knife, sticking out of the top of my bag and consider sticking it into my throat, just to see what would happen. Maybe my some freak chance, the anti-zodiac people have got everyone else and are ready to kill them and the moment I try to kill myself, we'll all get to find out what death is really like. Chances are slim, but hey. A guy can dream, right?
"I don't want you killing yourself Luca, not over a pathetic whore like me." Gemme says in my head and I growl at my feet, staring at the pedals.
"Not like I can fucking die anyways," I snap.
"No, but it still hurts like hell." I laugh.
"You're just giving me even more reason to do it," my gaze slides back to the knife. So very, very tempting.
"Please... don't. Luca, I'm not worth it. I never was." She pleads with me in my head and I just close my eyes, facing back down again. Damn right.
"You're very egotistical, aren't you," I sneer, "thinking I'd be fucking killing myself over you."
"No, your life, the one that I screwed up. Damn it, I can't even stop thinking about you and hearing your thoughts." Yep. I noticed that one. "Sorry. I tried, I did. Luca, I'm sorry. Please...I didn't mean to, I didn't want to. Luca come back..." I shake my head, even though she can't see it.
"I can't, the car's out of gas, and I'm closer to Cameron than I am to Newberry now. Please get out of my head now, Gemme, I wanna find somewhere to sleep and find some way of ignoring everything for a few hours. Honestly, if you give a shit, you won't even reply to this," I say, trying to find a way of getting her to shut up instantly.
She doesn't say anything and I just sit there a while longer, eyes closed, mind blank. White walls.
I don't know how long I stay like that, but when I next look up, the sun is peeking above the horizon, and I'm really regretting not sleeping. I don't really wanna sleep here, so... yeah, that's right. I shoulder my bag and start walking. Cameron is nearest so... yeah. I'm going back there. Goodbye nice house life.
Hello again drug den.
Then I have a better idea.
I knock on Rayn's door, ignoring the fact that it can only be about three in the morning. He ignores me for a while, but eventually comes down and opens the door, blinking at me blearily. He looks about as tired as I feel.
"What gives? It's half three in the morning," he moans. I ignore that and push past him.
"I need somewhere to sleep, Rayn," I say as he shuts the door. He nods and sleepily waves me into the living room.
"Shut up and get some sleep then. Don't wake me up again," he grumbles, walking back up the stairs. I nod to myself, pulling out the old sofa bed and curling up on it, asleep before my head even hits the cushion.