I dunno what's going on with Gemme, and I dunno what she's not telling me, but it can only be bad. And we've had enough fucking upset recently without me screwing it all up by pushing for an answer.
I tell myself this over and over a few times and eventually things stop shaking and my temper calms down. I'm getting a bit better at that. Just a bit.
Gemme stays quiet and so do I. The look on Ben's face when I walked in was... weird. Like he was guiltily happy about something. And not all that guilty, to be honest. More like he was just trying to hide how he felt. I get the irrational suspicion that Gemme invited him to stay here for a different reason to what she said.
Thinking about it just set me off again so I started back down the stairs. "I'm going out again. I'll be back in the morning. Have fun," I mutter as I go down the stairs.
"What? But you've only just come back in," Gemme says. I turn around. They're not the only ones that can keep things to themselves.
"I clearly walked in on something I shouldn't have, so I should probably go out, and stay out," I try to keep the growl out of my voice. The key word there: try.
"No, Luca, I want you here! Don't go out again." Huh. I don't say anything; I just turn back around and walk down the rest of the stairs, heading for the front door again.
"No!" she protested, following me down and grabbing my arm. I twist my arm out of her grip irritably, my temper rising again. So much for making things stop shaking.
"What's up, Luca?" she asks. Oh for fuck's sake.
"Nothing, I'm just going out. There's something I forgot to do anyways. I'll see you later," I say, wrenching the door open and stalking outside. Gemme follows me. I growl inwardly and go to my quiet place, saying nothing. She looks down and mumbles something that sounds like "I should have got changed" but I'm not really listening.
"Go back to the house then," I reply, my voice still kinda snappish. If she wants to shack up with Benny, then fine. But I wish she would just go away and stop confusing me. Each day with her is like pulling the petals off a flower. Y'know the whole "she loves me, she loves me not" thing? Today, it's she loves me not.
"Nope, because I'm not leaving you. Ever." Or maybe she ripped off two petals today.
"Just go back to the house, Gemme. You look ridiculous like that in public." I spit and light a cigarette.
"Not like anyone can see me like this. Seriously, what's up with you?" Would you just drop it already?
"Nothing. You wanna shack up with Benny, that's your choice, just leave me alone!" I yell, walking faster.
"I did what now?"
"Oh what, do you think I'm blind or something?" I sneer, "I saw the looks on your faces. Mostly Benny's, but it was on your face too."
"But I don't want to." Oh, please.
"Spare me the bullshit, Gemme, just go home."
"No, I'm not kidding, Luca, I want you, not him!"
"Good, then I'll be back in the morning."
"Where're you going?" You mean you hadn't figured it out? Thought you were smarter than that, Gemme.
"I told you. I forgot to do something earlier; I'm going back to Izzy's," I lie. I didn't forget anything; I just need to get away from Gemme and Benny for a while.
"Izzy's? I thought you kicked the habit?"
"Do be serious," I can't help but laugh a little. "Five days sober doesn't count. Drugs aren't something you can just give up like that," I say, snapping my fingers to emphasise my point.
"But it was a start!" She whines, "is there nothing I can do to make it six days sober next time?" I shrug. How would I know? "Luca, don't go, surely you'd rather spend time with me than Izzy?"
"Who ever said I was ‘spending time' with her?" I grunt, turning the corner to Izzy's road. I'd hoped I might have gotten rid of Gemme by now, but apparently I was hoping in vain.
"Well, you'll be with her, when I'm not around so yeah, you would be." I sigh and stop, facing her.
"Do you really think it counts as spending time with her when I'm not sober?"
"But... why're you gonna ruin things?"
"I'm not ruining anything. The five days sober thing was broken when you decided to go hang yourself from a tree. It'll put me in a better mood and I'll feel less like punching you and more like going to sleep. If anything, I'm improving things," I force a tight smile and start walking again.
"If you want to hit me, why don't you?" The image she showed me of me hurting that Emily flashes up in my mind, followed by that dream I had. I shake my head, feeling kinda sick. It was all fake, I know it was. It had to be. But it still makes me feel ill.
"Because I don't wanna turn into the guy in those memories you showed me," I mutter, stopping again outside Izzy's door. "That wasn't me and what you showed me wasn't real, but I know my temper, and I know it has the potential to happen for real. So don't you think it's better it doesn't?" I feel a muscle in my jaw twitching as I open Izzy's door.