The cold swept over me and I lapped it up, the feeling of the noose around my neck, it was my favourite way to go. I wanted to start again, not screw things up again. Then my mind goes black for a few seconds before I’m alive again and gasping for air, before I die again. It was an endless circle and I found myself tired of keeping score, I was in a park. How come no one has found me yet? Damn it, people are so blind.
Then I heard a voice, Luca... fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! I growl and as I become alive again I try not to gasp for air, I wanted him to think I was dead. That somehow, I was dead. The noose began to slice into my skin, damn, rope burn. Blood began to slide down my neck and I began to feel lifted, I opened my eyes slightly and found myself on the tree branch again. But I fall back, I liked falling, it was a wonderful feeling. But then the rope untied from around my neck and I fell. “Christ!” I growled, “Damn it! Next time, I'm going to hang myself in a building." I growl, looking up at the tree. "Great, now I need a new rope." I growled again and stormed off.
"What's the point?! You can't fucking die!" He looked at me and I shook my head,
"But I can die to the world!"
"What's the point?!" So I can erase everything, so I can hide up in a hole and be with myself, did I want love? Could I live without it? I’m sure I could, I hoped I could.
"So I can start again!" I shout, stopping to face him.
"And just abandon me? What happened to 'I want to be with you forever', huh?" Of course, it was like heaven, such a wonderful place, with him, everything was so perfect and yet... no, the reason I was here was to leave. The words hit me like a knife and I growled, clutching my stomach. "You don't need me."
"I... moved town, gave up what little life I had back in Cameron and I've tried so hard to be better to the point of asking you to erase memories just so I can tell you how I feel about you, all for you. And now you're just gonna throw it back in my face?" his tone was stung and hurt and his face was angry.
I look at his face, but not his eyes. "What you gonna do, hit me, kill me? Go on then!"
"Why would I hit you? Even I know that violence ain't gonna solve this one. I just wanna know why you're trying to start over? Where did I go so wrong that it drove you to hang yourself?"
"Because everything I love turns to dust, my brother, my mother, my father and I don't want that to happen to you to!" I cried, walking away from him again.
"Your brother isn't dust. I'm not dust and even if that was possible, I'd be happy dust if you just stayed with me!"
"I didn't mean it literally! Damn it Luca, leave. It's better for you that way."
"Why? If I can change so can you!"
"You didn't change you got someone to... that's it! I'll get Ike to wipe my memory!"
"New beginnings Luca,” I dismissed, trying to be happy despite the small percussion of noise slowly building up in my head.
He was stunned, "Gemme, if you hate what it did to me, what's it gonna do to you?"
"I don't know." I stopped, wiping away the pool of blood that had gathered on my neck. "I just want my head to stop!" The screaming, the shouting, the sound of Emily constantly shouting at me, I wanted it to stop. I was trying to face it for Luca, but it was so hard.
He shook his head in disbelief. "Fine," he muttered.
"There's screaming, shouting, constant shouting and I want silence, peace, serenity, anything!" I shout, falling to my knees, my head in my hands. For the moments when I died and re-lived and died again I didn’t have time to think, my mind had no time to re-boot, I just had the feeling and I liked it, but now it came back even more furiously. That’s why I love sex; it stops my power and allows my brain to shut up.
Crouching beside me, Luca hesitantly put his arms around me. I whimpered, I wanted to shrug him off and still continue to run but I couldn't, I liked the feeling of him around me, that and the sounds just paralysed me.
"I'd call Ike for you, but I think its better it comes from you than me... I can't exactly say it'll do you no good, I'd sound like a total hypocrite." he mumbled, pulling away enough to try and see me.
I squeezed my eyes shut long ago, trying somehow to numb the pain, to stop it. Ike wouldn't be any use; the only way I could get rid of the memories is to send them to someone else. I wasn't going to curse my brother like that so instead I slipped my arms beneath Luca's and hugged close to him, "make it stop." I whimpered.
"How? If the screaming is coming from the memories you took from me then gives them back. I didn't mean to make you hurt when I asked you to take them away from me..."
I shook my head defiantly. "No... Never mind. I'll just go home." I whispered, using him to push myself up.
"No, Gemme," he muttered, standing too, "I don't want to be the cause of this."
I closed my eyes once more then opened them, gazing up at him with defiant, almost evil eyes. "No. I'll fight this... for you, I'll fight this."
Somehow he met my gaze and held it. "Why? I should be the one dealing with the pain, if they're my memories... I'm just sorry I was so weak I made you take it."
"No. Stay away. I won't let myself slip; I won't let them return to you."
"But what I did is making you hurt. That wasn't what I wanted!"
"I'm fine." I smiled, taking my steps slowly, one at a time.
"You're unbelievable," he muttered, following me.
“What?” I asked, not stopping, but turning my head slightly to see him.
"It's bad enough I made you take those memories in the first place, but now you're being stubborn and holding onto them anyway?"
"Of course, I don't want you hurt as much as you don't want me hurt. It'll pass; I just need to fight it."
"Isn't there some way of just getting rid of them forever?" he sighed, walking over to a silver Mercedes parked on the grass, one door open. "Lift?"
"Jeremy's car is still in the garage." I mumbled, "But I wouldn't want to get more blood on the neighbour’s car."
"I promised I'd return it, but I don't wanna drive back to the neighbour's place and return it and find you hanging from another tree."
"It's an escape, it shuts my head up." That’s all I wanted, an escape. But I stumbled into the car and he drove off.
"Huh. Self harm and drugs are one thing, but hanging yourself from a tree?"
"Yeah, I die, I awake, I die and I awake, no time in between to think."
He sighed, "If you're gonna do it, at least don't do it so publicly?"
"I planned on getting found, announced I was dead and run from the morgue."
"All to run away from me?" he shook his head again, "but I'd know you're not really dead. Did you just count on me not coming and looking for you?"
"You would look for me?"
“Luca, you're a fool.”
“I guess that’s just another reason I love you.” When he dropped off the car he turned to me, kissing me on the lips passionately.
When he broke away I looked at him, "I'm so sorry Luca. So sorry, truly I am.”
"What for now?"
“Isn’t it obvious?”
"I just tried to run away from you."
"Oh... I already forgave you for it," he muttered.
"How could you so quickly?"
"I think that comes with the whole love thing."
"I don't deserve forgiving for that."
"If you can forgive me for everything I've done, I can forgive you for that. I don't blame you wanting to run away from the person that made you take his shitty memories and bear his pain."
"Luca, Christ, I dunno what to say..." I mumbled.
"Don't say anything then," he shrugged taking my hand.
I nodded, kissing him firmly. "I should apologise to Ben." He nodded and as we walked up the path, Luca made the door swing open for us. "There was really, no need."
"I know. I'm lazy. Benny might still be out. I'll call him if he's not here. And... you might not wanna go in the bathroom. I think I might have made a bit of a mess. Again."
"What? What did you do..." He gestured at the blood on him. "Luca, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drag you to do that... wait, Ben's looking for me too?"
"You didn't it was my fault. And yeah, he didn't think I’d even bother leaving the bedroom, let alone the house."
"I had both of you's looking for me? Damn it." I sighed, collapsing on the sofa.
"Yeah... I'm gonna call him." He called him and I mouthed the next words, more than say them.
I pulled my knees up to my chest. "Tell him I'm sorry."
"Hey Ben," he said into his phone, nodding at me. "I found Gemme. She's okay, and I'm not high anymore... She says to tell you she's sorry, too." he rolled his eyes and looked up at the ceiling as Ben berated him for making me run off in the first place. "Okay, I'll see you in a bit." He hung up and I caught the tension.
"Now you're gonna fight arn't you?"
"Well, I'm not gonna pick the fight, but if he decides to yell at me, I'm not in the mood to just take it."
I stood, resting my hands on his shoulder. "Please, make love not war." I giggled.
"I ain't making love to him." he pulled a face.
"I didn't mean that." I rolled my eyes.
"I know," he laughed.
"Plus, technically earlier you were close to."
"Mmm, but we were shagging you, not each other," he smiled.
I shook my head. "Yeah, but, try not to do anything rash."
"I won't. Thank you, by the way. For coming back with me."
"There's no need. Really."
"It means a lot to me though," he muttered, slightly embarrassed at his show of real emotion.
"It's okay." I smiled, hugging him tightly. "Just, don't let me go." He hugged me back, his grip on me firm.
"Christ, Luca, I've been an idiot lately. Don't, ever, ever, let me go."
"I'll do my best," he smiled shakily.
I kissed him firmly and he kissed me back just as Benny walked in. I pulled away quickly looking at Benny, "Oh God I'm so sorry!"
"It's alright. At least Cancer proved he isn't the incompetent fuck-face I was accusing him of being earlier," he smiled, cuffing Luca around the head in a friendly kinda way.
"It wasn't any of your jobs to bring me back. I shouldn't have left like that."
"It’s Cancer's job to go after his girl if he loves her, not be an ass like he was being when I left."
"I don't want to know." I mumbled, gazing to the floor.
"Looks like he was even more of an ass after I went out after you. You're covered in blood, look," he frowned at Luca, who looked down at himself and then back up at Ben.
"I hadn't noticed that one, thanks for pointing it out," he muttered irritably.
"I don't want to know." I repeated in a whimper, I didn't want to know what I had driven him to. I didn't.
Luca sighed. "I'm gonna go clean up in the bathroom... Where's the cleaning stuff?"
"Bedroom," it’s only because I hadn’t unpacked properly. I whispered, sitting back down on the sofa again.
Luca disappears upstairs to try and clean up* "You okay?" Ben asked, perching on the edge of the sofa arm, watching me, concerned.
"I'm fine." I mumbled, resting my head in my chest so he couldn't see my face.
"Sure? You don't wanna talk about it? I know Cancer isn't the best at emotion, so while he's learning you can always talk to me," he smiled, getting up and moving to a chair opposite, settling in it.
"You wouldn't understand, I'm sure."
"Well maybe not, but you can't just bottle it all up. I mean, that's pretty much what Cancer did, and look how he turned out because of it."
"You know Emily, don't you?"
"I did, yeah. What about her?"
"Luca asked and I erased her from his mind. Now the memories are stuck in my head and I'm just finding it hard to fight against them."
"Beginning to see why he's so screwed up?" he grimaced.
"I already knew that, I just didn't have to face it myself. Now, there is no way of ridding myself of these memories without giving them to someone else, which I won't do."
"Give them back to Cancer. Maybe now he's learnt how to deal with caring about someone again, they won't get in the way so much. I mean it'll probably make it a bit harder for him to get off the drugs, sure, but now he knows he loves you, it'll give him more of a reason to." he sighed. "I don't mean to sound heartless when I say that, but they're his burden to bear, not yours."
"I don't want to put him through all that pain again, it's wrong. This is my power and I have the burden to bear of it.
"It's your choice, but you know what I think about it. Hell I didn't even has to say it, you're the freaky psychic girl," he smiled.
"As I said, I don't read the minds of my friend's."
"Glad to know I'm a friend," he laughed wryly, "even after everything."
"Y'know. Back at the flat," he shrugged. "Sorry, shouldn't have mentioned it."
"That was your fault, every part of it." I sighed, "but it doesn't matter, your lifetime is too short for grudges."
"I know it was. Wait... my lifetime?"
"I meant umm, our."
His mind bubbled with suspicion, but he didn't push it. At that point, Luca finally came back down the stairs. He was wearing a clean pair of jeans and had washed the blood off his skin. "You like pink, don't you?" he asked as he walked into the room.
"Well... just a slight... pink patch on the floor in the bathroom." he coughed uncomfortably and lit a cigarette. "So how are you feeling? I'm tired, are you tired? Maybe we should go sleep."
"What have you done?"
"Like I said, there's a new pink decoration in the bathroom, but it could have been worse. Could still be red," he shrugged.
My eyes widened slightly but I nodded, "Yeah, let's go. I wore myself out today." I kissed Ben's cheek softly, "thank you," I whispered into his ear before I took Luca's hand. Ben smiled and nodded as Luca returned my grip. I led Luca upstairs and sighed, not daring to look in the bathroom and I stepped away from the landing, allowing him to follow. He gave me a slightly confused look as I edged away from the stairs but said nothing.
"You'll understand, if you would allow me to show you. I'm not returning the memories to you, don't misunderstand, I'm just sharing them with you. We need to put Emily to rest." Gazing at me uncertainly, he sat on the end of the bed, watching me, "Please, trust me, relax." I whispered, cupping his face in my hands.
"I'm not sure I wanna see if it made you try and hang yourself, Gemme," he muttered nervously, trying not to lean back.
"I'll only show you brief bits, you're not ready to see it all yet. In fact, I'll remind you of Emily, not what you did." A scared gleam flickered in his eyes as he tried to hold my gaze. I softened my eyes as best I could and only sent him images of his love for Emily and brief times where he had beat her. That was it. As the memory of him hurting her played in his mind, he flinched and shook his head. "I wouldn't," he muttered. "I wouldn't hit someone if I cared about them," he pulled away, lying down on the bed, his eyes closed.
"Yeah, I know, but you must remember when you held me against the wall, that had nothing to do with Emily."
He grimaced and opened his eyes again. "I didn't know back then, though. I didn't know how much you meant to me."
"Well, that's it for tonight. I don't want to lose you like I did last time I gave back your memories.”
"I don't think I wanna know what happened."
"Yeah, you're right. It's horrific." I sighed.
"I'm sorry I did this to you. I really am, he muttered.
"You did nothing to me Luca, I took this upon myself as my burden, I should not complain about it. He looked like he was about to argue, but instead he sighed and sat back up, wrapping his arms around me. I sighed and fell into him; this would be harder than I thought.
"I wouldn't hurt you on purpose, you know that right?"
"I'm an ass I know, but am I forgiven ass?" he asked, looking up at me.
He sighed, not entirely convinced. "C'mon, let's sleep."
"Sorry." I muttered, getting up I slipped into something move revealing, but more comfortable for bed. I hadn't worn this old thing in ages.
"You apologise too much," he said, pulling on his joggers.
"I upset you too much."
He waved it away, settling in bed. "You don't need to apologise for it though."
"Why should I not apologise to the one I love when I upset them?"
"Because you're already forgiven," he murmured, kissing me on the cheek as he rolled onto his side to look at me.
I lay down on the bed next to him, "You're too forgiving."
"If you can't forgive the person you love, who are you gonna forgive, hmm?"
"I dunno, I forgive everybody," I laughed weakly before cuddling up to him, but found this was a bad idea as I pulled away from him again.
"You're freezing. I'm only wearing lace!"
"Freezing?" he mumbled, touching a hand to his face to try and gauge how cold he was. "I'm not cold," he frowned.
"You are to me!"
He laughed slightly. "One sec," he muttered, healing his body warmer. "Better?"
I moved closer to him again, "toasty," I giggled.
"Good," he smiled, draping his arm around me.
"I love you," I mumbled into his chest as I pressed myself close to him, trying to rid myself of the last feelings of death; although usually it took a couple of weeks.
"I love you too," he replied, kissing the top of my head.
I shuddered slightly and grinned, kissing his chest where my head lay. "I did mean it, by the way."
"I do want to be with you for forever," I smiled still, closing my eyes as I pulled my knees up to my chest.
"Oh. And I still dunno what to say to that," he mumbled awkwardly, pausing to think for a moment. "I'll stay with you as long as you want me."
"Then prepare to be with me for a long time,” I yawned quite tired after all I had died at least three times today. He just smiled and ran a hand through my hair, kissing the top of my head again but I lifted my head so his lips met mine instead and I smiled mischievously. He deepened the kiss, matching my smile, I snaked my tongue around his and pulled away teasingly through the kiss.
"Teasing a tired soul, mean." He smiled.
His eyes closed wearily. "I'm worn out. The last few days have tired me out."
"I'm sorry." I whispered, continuing the kiss again.
"I love you," he whispered, opening his eyes again.
I closed them again for him, kissing his cheek softly. "Sleep,"
"Mmm," he murmured, drifting off almost instantly, I smiled and drifted off too, resting my head on his chest again.