I can't believe Gemme thinks she's not as good as Emily.
It's not like I want Emily in my head anymore. I want her to go away. I want her to leave me alone and never bother me again. I feel so weak when I think about her. It's not the way I feel when I'm with Gemme. With Gemme I feel exposed. She strips me down and I can't pretend to be anything other than me when I'm with her. When I think about Emily... I just feel like shit.
Because I killed her.
"Why can't you make her go away, Gemme?" I whine, clinging to her still.
"I can, but I don't think you'd be better off. In fact, I may erase something you don't want me to," she tells me and I can feel my legs giving. I just want to curl up and die. I hate feeling like this.
"Like what? I don't want to remember anything about her," I mumble as I pull away, sitting back on the floor. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I put my head forward and rest it on my knees, trying so hard to keep myself from bursting into tears.
"I may erase everything you have ever loved. Minds are hard to move around. I don't want to hurt you." I hear her sit down opposite me. "I can calm your mind easily, though." I shift so my chin is on my knees now and look at her.
"I can start again," I mutter. It didn't take long to begin feeling more than friendship for Gemme, and why would it matter if I stopped loving drugs as much as I do? If anything, starting over would make more sense than letting me go on like this.
Do I really have to spend an eternity like this?
"Are you sure? Luca, you must be completely certain." A nervous shiver runs down my spine. What if she erases how much I like her and I don't start liking her again?
"No," the word slips out and as I blink, a tear splashes onto my jeans. Fuck.
"Luca. I don't want to wipe your memory. You'll have too much to lose. You don't realise but I have seen it before." She leans forward. "But I'll always be here to help you." I look away from her. I can't meet her eyes. "What... what did I say?" she asks and I look down at my hands linked together around my legs.
"Nothing, it wasn't anything you said," I say shakily, sniffing and blinking another tear onto my knee, "I'm just being pathetic."
"Let go..." she murmurs and I look back up. Let go of what, exactly? I give her a questioning look, not trusting my voice to not crack. "If you want to cry, then cry. It's not pathetic. Holding it in is pathetic." Thanks for that, Gemme. I can't be pissed off though. I feel too shit to get pissed off.
The last time I felt anything like this, I was trying to kill myself and I discovered I couldn't die even if I wanted to. I don't say that, though. There's no point. I just put my head back down on my knees and hope that the tears stop soon.
"Remember, I won't judge you." She whispers, putting a hand around me and I half nod as best I can with my head on my knees. Eventually I calm down, the tears finally stop and I can look up again, though I'm sure I look like more of a wreck than I usually do. She wraps her arms around me and I return the hug with an embarrassed sigh.
"Sorry," I half whisper, my voice croaking from the strain to stay quiet.
"Why?" she asks.
"I'm being a baby, you shouldn't have to deal with this," I moan, sitting back against the wall as I let go of her.
"Luca, it's fine. Honestly. Stop apologising so much, you're really not that much bother." I don't really know what to say to that, so... I don't say anything. Gemme leans forward and kisses me. It takes me by surprise and at first I stiffen, but I manage to kiss back at least a little bit. She sighs and pulls away.
"sorry, I got a little carried away," she says and I sit forward a little.
"No, it's my fault. See, this is why I thought it'd be easier if you erased my memories. Because starting over would be better than this. Look at me! I can barely handle a hug, or a quick kiss still... It's stupid." I'm just scared I won't fall for her afterwards. Scared of being alone. Funny how you can go from craving time alone, wanting to shut off from the world to being scared of that...
"You'll be fine, perhaps I should kiss you longer next time? Hmm. We'll work on it." She smiles and I manage to weakly mirror the expression.
"Yeah," I mutter, nodding slightly. I don't really know what to do with myself, now. I'm not in the mood to crawl away and die now, at least.
"I should get changed. It's getting cold. Excuse me." She giggles and gets up. I nod wordlessly and she walks out of the room. I'm not cold, but I'm left feeling just a little hollow after that. When Gemme comes back, she's wearing the same top with a pair of jeans. I look up at her and smile shakily. My cigarettes and the ashtray slide across the floor towards me and I light a smoke grateful for something to do with my hands.