I can safely say I wasn't expecting sex today.
It was a welcome surprise.
I'm also enjoying the quiet afterglow, but I'm really sleepy. Holding out just for her to enjoy it a bit longer is really tiring. I lean in and kiss her again, remembering to keep it gentle, the way she showed me about a lifetime ago back in Cameron.
"I vote we go to bed, rather than falling asleep here," I murmur quietly, holding back a yawn.
"Yeah," she nods, "my bed?" I smile and get up, pulling her to her feet with me.
"Sure," I say, bundling up our clothes with one hand, holding her hand in my other. She takes my hand, following me up the stairs, biting her lip a little as we go up. If she was hoping I wouldn't see, her hopes were wasted. "What's up?" I ask, quickly moving so we're away from the top of the stairs. Yeah... Still don't like being at the top of a set of stairs with her.
"Nothing," she denies and I consider pushing for an answer, but firstly, I'm too tired, and secondly, if she wanted me to know, she would tell me. So I just pull back the covers and clamber in. She slips in beside me, doing a much more graceful job of getting in bed than I do, and finally stops biting her lip as she smiles and whispers "I love you" to me, cuddling up to me. I manage not to stiffen, or get annoyed or anything, Just nod and close my eyes, trying to keep my mind blank.
"Mmm, night," I mumble, pulling my half of the covers close around me. Ever the tactful one.
Stoopid L word.
"Yeah..." she mutters absently, "night." She turns over, facing away from me. I blink and stare at her back for a moment. I just ruined it, didn't I? Inwardly I curse myself. Such a fucking screw up, Cancer, the genius in the back of my mind says. Yeah, well done for pointing out the obvious. Just say it. It's been on the tip of your tongue all fucking day, you might as well.
But do I really mean it?
Can I really mean it?
I glance at Gemme again. Well, the back of her head. Four words, dumbass. Say ‘em. It's my turn to chew on my lower lip as I debate whether I should say it. Whether I can manage to get them out without sounding like a complete spaz.
My mouth opens, and I draw a breath in to speak.
"Gemme?" I mumble quietly. I can't tell if she's asleep or not. I suddenly find myself hoping she is.
"Yeah?" she replies. I swallow nervously and... and the words won't come out. I try, for a moment, but all that comes out is "You okay?" she says "yeah" again and I sigh.
"Sorry," I whisper, putting an arm around her gently.
"Why? I'm fine." I nod, then remember she cant see.
"Yeah, you said. I'm just sorry I can't... say it back yet." I came so close, as well. Nice one. Ya big dumb fuck.
"It's fine, Luca," she says, but it's not. God, she must have done something worse than kill her own mom to deserve someone like me.
"No, not really." I can't seem to get my voice above a whisper and I close my eyes again, the tiredness closing in again. I just tighten my arm around her slightly and try to ignore the voice in the back of my head cursing me for being such an idiot.