I got changed into a loose nightgown before I slipped into my bed it felt so cold... so like those hospital beds. It didn’t take me long to sleep; but almost instantly I was awake again. A doctor with a bloody, rusty scalpel hung over me, his eyes wide; looking into mine. I screamed but no one heard me. I saw Luca, I reached out for him and he moved further away. I cried for him but he kept moving. The scalpel got closer, I got surrounded by more of them each one muttering. I was in a small room, a light shone down on me. Blood splattered their clothes and I began to cry, screaming for them to let go. Just when the scalpel was just about to reach my skin I flung myself out of bed, tears streaming down my cheeks.
I allowed my breathing to become controlled again. I looked to my cold bed and shook my head. God I was acting like such a kid this would be the last thing I swear. I opened the door, closing it slightly behind me. I walked forward; slowly resting a hand on Luca’s side I rocked him slightly. “Luca... Luca...” I repeated, whispering his name softly.
He rolled over and groaned an “ugh...” as he looked at me. I smiled awkwardly.
“Umm, can I sleep with you...please?” He nodded and moved over slightly and I clambered in next to him. “Mhmm,”
"Thank you. I'm sorry I'm being a kid." I whispered.
"S'ok,” he began to wake up a little as he glanced at me. "What's wrong anyways?"
"Doctors and nurses and... you get the picture." I didn’t want to describe it, I just wanted to ignore it, move on. He put an arm around me. "I can't go back to sleeping on my own. Sorry." I apologised again, moving as close to him as I could.
“S’ok.” He smiled, not flinching away at my proximity.
I kissed his cheek softly in thanks. “Good night, Luca.” I smiled, resting my head on his chest again.
“Night,” he replied and I smiled wider. I allowed his heart to lull me to sleep once again and I didn’t dream at all. It was all dark, with just an echo of his heart in the back of my mind.
When I awoke, once again, I awoke before Luca. But I didn’t move, simply listening to heart. I could hear the music play through his heart and I smiled, waiting for him to awake. I did not stir, I was happy in the silence and warmth of the room.
Luca finally woke up, letting out a quiet groan as he shifted position. He hadn't moved since I got into bed with him, and the aches were making themselves known now. He opened his eyes slowly, a confused look flickering across his face as he saw me, "nightmares." I reminded him. “I’m sorry; I didn’t disturb your sleep did I?”
"No, not really," his shift in position made my head now rest on the pillows, so I shifted so I was on my back; looking up at the ceiling.
"It was stupid of me, I just couldn't stay alone."
"It's fine, really." He must really get annoyed by my apologising.
"I don't want to move now." I laughed awkwardly.
"Don't then," he smiled.
"Luca..." I smiled back. "If I don't move I'll be here forever."
"You'll need to get up to do something or other soon enough. You cannot move till then,"
"I wouldn't be so sure." I giggled, moving so that I was close to him again. "I'm just so comfortable." I smiled, pulling the covers around me tightly.
"Mmm, me too," he tightened his arm around me a little. It was hard to fight back the words and instead I mumbled them, trying my best to muffle them in the cover and his chest. His body stiffened a little, but he didn't let go or say anything. "Oh I'm sorry. I ruined it again." The moment, I mean. I couldn’t just enjoy the moment, I had to ruin it. My brain had to mumble those words.
"It's fine," he muttered. I shook my head against his chest; I didn't believe that it was. But to my surprise, he kissed the top of my head gently with a sigh. "It's fine," he repeated. I whined slightly but nodded. "What're you whining about?"
"I don't believe it."
"You don't have to believe it, I guess.”
"No, it would be nice to though." I sighed and added, "I'm sorry. I do trust you; it’s just every time you stiffen up I think I've done something."
He sighed again, his body relaxing again as he mumbled into the pillow: "I just wanna get over it," his voice was soft.
"Well, I don't know how else you can. You're actions are fine it's just those words that hurt you so."
"So far drugs have been the least confusing way of dealing with it," he whispered.
"If that's what helps you..." I murmured, I really could not be bothered fighting against drugs. I was still mentally weak from yesterday I could not deal with anything drastic; too much in such a short time.
He shifted uncomfortably, half shaking his head as best he could against the pillows. "They're good for a few hours, depends on what you take really, but after it wears off, you just feel so hollow, even without the physical come down, the mental withdrawals are painful enough."
"Yeah," I agreed.
"Sorry," he sniffed and shifted again, "I shouldn't be whining."
"No, it’s fine. I just find it funny how you will whine but you won't bother to do anything about it. Every time you get a craving you give in."
"You wouldn't understand it if I tried to explain. Your mind doesn't get affected by drugs or whatever like everyone else's..." Yeah, for illegal drugs that’s great. For legal drugs it’s a horrible feeling.
"Yeah and it's the worst thing in the world." I sighed, grasping him tightly, pulling him close to me. "I mean, let's just leave it hmm? I'll help all I can later." He fell silent, but let me keep him close. "Damn it, I'm not about to let anything take you from me; especially not drugs." I added.
"The drugs had me about four years ago, Gemme," he mutters quietly.
"Well I'm taking you back." I stated confidently. "I'll start a world war if I have to."
"That's going a bit far just for me," he laughed weakly.
"Never," I whispered, yawning slightly; everything these last few weeks took things out of me. He fell silent and I felt the awkwardness creep into the moment and I sighed. Damn it.