I move to her side and lay down facing her with a half smile. I'm glad I listened, rather than hitting her. It was tempting, though. When she told me to run away like I usually do, that is.
"Any ideas what you wanna do, then?" I wonder aloud after a moment.
"Burn the decor in this place?" Sounds good. I'll do it. Tomorrow. I'm sleepy, suddenly. "Need to go food shopping but right now..." She turns to face me, "I can't be bothered to do anything today." I nod slightly, blinking slowly, fighting to keep my eyes open.
"I'm tired," I mumble, rolling onto my back, "sorry."
"Nah it's okay. Me too," she says. Justas well really, because I end up falling asleep there with Gemme next to me. I just closed my eyes and one minute I was complaining about being tired and the next, I'm wandering around inside my own head, wishing I could wake up already.
Because the bad dreams always start off this way.
It doesn't take me long to stumble across the memories of Emily. They all come to the surface at once, clamouring for attention, playing back in a big mess like a fucked up montage in a shitty film.
"I love you," she murmurs, kissing me with a wide smile. We're sitting on the sofa, she's got her arms around me like I'm some kind of life buoy and I'm hugging her back. It was easy back then. Sweet sixteen and all that shit.
"I love you too," I say. The words come easily, no hesitations, no stutters and no perplexed expressions as I try to figure out what to say in return. I thought I meant it. I still think I meant it, really. And I know I lied to Gemme. About who the last person to properly hug me was. And about a lot of this, really. I just can't handle it.
I had my moments when I spazzed out and got nasty, but she stuck with me through it and she would tell me it's all okay, that she still loves me when I calmed down. I would heal her and we would make up and everything felt okay. She says she sees the real me, beneath all the shit, it's enough.
Get out of my head, Emily. Get out.
Don't do this to me.
"Fuck you! Stupid fucking whore!" I scream. She's walking away from me. We're near the top of the stairs. Will stumbles out of the apartment - the drug den where we lived with Si at the time - pulling on his jeans and calling after her, telling me to stop. I don't listen to him; I just throw him against the wall. His head cracks against the solid concrete wall and he falls silent, sliding to the floor. Emily turns around and says she's sorry, it was a mistake, she needs to clear her head. "Stop talking shit, Em," I spit, taking a step forward, closing the gap in one threatening movement.
Don't do it.
I tower over her. She was a small thing, only coming up to the top of my chest, and it's easy to look down at her. I do, and a glint of fear sparks in her eyes, stronger than before. I've never lost it like this at the top of a set of stairs before and she genuinely fears for her life. But she knows she can't move, because I'd catch her and definitely hurt her.
She tries to talk me out of it, but I shake my head, not listening.
Stop. Don't say a word to her.
"You cheated on me, you filthy slut," I snarl and slap her hard, shutting her up. She lifts a hand to her cheek and looks up at me, afraid. I grin, in total control of her.
But not of myself.
Walk away now, I tell my memory of me, but he doesn't listen.
"You tell me you love me, but you sleep around with people like Will. Yeah. I've noticed it. I've tried to forgive you, but I can't, I just find myself getting angrier every day. And this! Letting me just walk in on you like that!" I laugh as tears well up in her eyes. I'm enjoying this. I finally get to tell her what I really think of her, and the cold anger, the sickening, impatient twist in my stomach as my lips curl up in a cruel smile.
You're more than a dick, Cancer. Far worse than the average dickhead.
"I do love you," she whispers and my smile only grows.
"Sure, sure you do, baby. But I don't love you, and you're a whore," she takes a step back away from me, shocked by my words. I take advantage of her momentum away from me to throw her down the stairs. Except I don't touch her, I just give her a little nudge with my telekinesis and she cries out, her hands grasping the air for me. But I'm too far away and she falls.
Why? Why did you do it, huh?
I stare down at her from the top of the stairs, not feeling anything. Her face is frozen in that mask of shock and she gasps for breath. I smile a little at her broken form lying there, but I don't help her. Instead, I walk back into the den and tell Si that Emily fell down the stairs and probably needs an ambulance. I try to look upset, but I catch Benny looking at me funny and I realise I haven't fooled him.
I just look for a needle and something to fill it with.
Why does everything shit in my life have to come up and haunt me in my sleep too? Isn't it bad enough that I remember it when I'm awake?