Never going to give up on me, huh? We'll see.
Not that I'm going to try to make her give up, or whatever, I just know it's not going to be easy for her. At all.
I would know. I have to live with myself all the time. Other people can leave the room and take a breather, but I can't.
I infuriate myself.
After a few moments more, I break the hug and sit back, still facing her.
"So uh, who was that Jeremy guy?" I ask as casually as I can, though I would still like to punch him, just because he was already there for her when I wasn't and he didn't even know her.
"Just a guy that owns a gallery, he bought my painting, too." Well, he already said he owns the gallery.
"And he followed you home... why?" I arch an eyebrow slightly as my cigarettes float into my hand. I pull one out and light it, wondering where the ashtray went.
"I don't know! I told him I had to go and he followed me. I didn't ask him to," she says defensively and I shrug.
"Just wondering," I mutter, blowing my smoke out away from her. I consider asking if she's going to go back and see him again, or if he'll come back, but I realise suddenly that questioning her like this really makes me sound like my dad. Ugh. I shut up and don't ask her any more questions.
"To be honest I think I'm gonna stop going outside," she says after a moment and I look at her questioningly. Uh... why? The outside isn't that scary, y'know. "I'm sick of being followed by men for whatever reason. I mean, you remember what happened last time."
"Sure I remember, that doesn't mean that all guys are about to try and rape you, though. I mean that Jeremy guy hardly looked like he was about to pin you up against a wall and rip your clothes off." I pause for a moment and consider this. "In fact, you were probably safer with him than with me." Because it's not like I haven't pinned her up against a wall too.
"Something about his head didn't feel right." She mumbles, shaking her head. "Plus, get used to the fact I'm not going to leave you no matter who I meet, or what you say."Yeah, you said already, you're not leaving me, or giving up on me. I got it, Gemme. Feels weird, but I get that.
"Didn't feel right?" How could his head feel any more wrong than mine?
"Yeah. It was strange, his paintings only made me believe in the feeling more to be honest," she replies and not knowing what to say to that, I just mutter a quiet "oh" and finish my cigarette. I found the ashtray, by the way. Well. It found me. Things I think about tend to do that.
As I light another cigarette, I wonder what about his head felt so wrong that she felt more comfortable with me than him - because let's face it, she's seen in my head and she told me it's a horrible place she never wants to see again, regardless of how much she says she loves me or doesn't want to leave me.
Except that thinking like that brings those white walls back into my head and I don't even realise that I've pulled my legs up to my chest and gone quiet until Gemme gets up and walks off. I blink, abruptly recognizing the fact that I've been silent like that for a few minutes. My cigarette burnt down to the butt and I hadn't even noticed. The ash is scattered on the bottom of the left leg on my jeans.
Dumping the butt in the ashtray, I rub the ash in and get up, wondering where Gemme went to.
I find her in the kitchen with a glass of water.
"Sorry. You okay?" I mutter, leaning on the counter opposite her.
"Yeah, I'm fine," she tells me, but I can't tell if she means it or if she's just saying it. I push myself up on the counter and stay quiet while she drinks her water. She finishes, placing her glass on the side before looking up at me. "Why you just sat there?" she asks and I shrug.
"Why not?" I reply. Not like I've got anything better to be doing.
"Your silence while watching me is unnerving. Don't you have a drug baron to be finding?" Oh... um... I rub the back of my neck awkwardly.
"Sorry. Just didn't have anything to say. And I can go find one if you'd rather," I mutter, sliding down off the counter.
"No. No, I didn't mean that. Luca just..." she falters and stops talking, instead, she steps forward and puts her arms around me in a hug. I take a sharp breath and try not to tense. I hadn't been expecting it.
"Sorry." She whispers but she doesn't let go. She doesn't give any sign of letting go, either.
"S'ok," I mumble, returning the hug. Kinda. I put an arm around her awkwardly and try to smile. God, why am I so fucked up? I should love having a hot girl like Gemme clinging to me.
"Damn it, I wish I could," she says into my chest. Huh?
"Wish you could what?"
"Stop loving you so." Stop loving me?
"W-why?" I hesitate, unsure. I know I'm a bit of a shit person to fall for, but I actually feel a bit weird about the idea of her not liking me so much now.
"Because I know how awkward it's making you." I shrug.
"I'll get over it." I murmur. I hope so. I don't wanna be such a shit person anymore.