It feels nice, comforting, to have someone to hold on to that actually cares. He seemed awkward but hey even I, in this state, realise it must be an awkward moment. I force myself to stop crying and the realisation that I did have someone that cared for me enough to change his whole lifestyle and the fact I had a job I loved and was good at helped. A lot, so I found myself wiping away the few remaining tears and smiling weakly up at him. “I’m sorry; I should really stop doing this.” I still however did not loosen my grip on him, I didn’t feel like I was ready to let go just yet.
"No, it's okay." The hesitation in his first few movements and the way he had paused a little to think clearly showed me that he hadn’t done this a lot, I didn’t think for a moment that he could have. But something in his words I felt was true.
"Just for a moment, I... I forgot everything. I didn't realise how much you are doing for me."
"I'm not exactly doing the best job of changing for you, though am I?"
"But you're trying. In fact, just because of me you are trying to change everything you knew... know.”
"I'm still not doing a very good job of it," he laughed.
"Well, I don't even know why. I'm not the greatest person; I don't know why you would change for me." I realise now that I didn’t explain that all that well but I hoped he got the picture.
"Because you don’t deserve to be in...Love, with a drugged up social retard; I'm not sure the social retard bit will change, but you never know." He struggled at the word love, he almost spat it out but he made it.
"To be honest I thought you would still try to get rid of me. Perhaps try and make me fall in love with someone else." I didn’t actually expect you to change, or even try to; perhaps first impressions are wrong.
"I dunno if I could, even if I wanted to now." I thought I understood and I didn’t want to pain him by making him spell it out but I needed to confirm it.
"What get rid of me or...?” I felt no need to carry on the sentence anyway, but he cut me off:
"Well, if you wanted me to I could try."
"If you want me to go I could try." It would probably tear my heart asunder but I could.
"No, I don't really want you to go. You still confuse me, but I don't think I want you to go.” My heart thudded in my chest at his words. “I don’t really want you to go.” Oh Luca... I won’t.
I nodded shyly; for once I wasn't sure how to reply. "I'll try not to confuse you as much then. I'm sorry. If you could help me with that I would love it."
"Yeah, well I'll try..."
"Well, how do I confuse you?" I didn’t allow my tone to rise; I quite liked the shy mousey tone. Plus I was still sort of upset, the softness in my voice allowed me to mask it easier.
"All my emotions conflict when you're around, mostly just the fear of change, I guess."
"But, do you know why your emotions conflict, which ones are they?” I could see it was a question he hadn’t expected me to ask because he had to pause to think.
"Um... you make me feel good, when you're around, but when I get how I was earlier, I feel shit, because I can't help it and I know that's not what you need, and then it makes you walk home crying..."
I glanced to the floor, allowing my hair to shield my face from his gaze. I shook my head softly. "No, I did not mean to be so weak. I did not mean to cry."
"Huh, you said it yourself; showing emotion isn't weakness, right?" I’m not being a hypocrite;
"But I had no reason. I had no reason why.” You see emotion is not a weakness. It is a necessity. But showing emotion when it is not needed, or for no reason is stupid; pointless.
"Because I'm not exactly much to come home to, am I?" he whispered sadly.
I shook my head again, but I did not look up. "Luca, you are plenty to come home to." Luca didn't say anything, but he squeezed me gently instead. I smiled softly beneath my veil and looked up at him; the smile was twice as wide in my eyes, I could feel it and in return he gave me a shaky grin.
I reached up, placing a hand gently on his cheek in an attempt to straighten his grin. "Don't doubt yourself, Luca." I whispered softly; I allowed my eyes to meet his I could see his confusion, his sadness.
"Doubting me is what I do best," he laughed softly, but smiled, "I'll try to stop that, though."
"It would be easier to change, if you believe you can, if you have self-confidence in yourself that you are -that you can be- who you want to be." I nodded slightly, leaving my hand where it was, it was good advice. Maybe I should heed it myself one day.
"It's easy to give up on yourself when everyone else gives up on you. I'll try, though.” That is all I ask is that you try, Luca.
“But I haven’t given up on you Luca. I won’t, I can’t.” I still made sure his eyes looked into mine; I tried to reassure him, show him that I would help him with everything I could. I softened my eyes and allowed my feelings to pour into them. “I’ll never give up on you.” I muttered.
"You're the first person to say that to me.”
"Well, like it or not it's true." It may sound harsh, but my tone was still soft and it sounded more like a whisper.
"No need." I smiled again and this time without hesitation he smiled back.