I grin, walking onto the train; Luca following me close behind. I grabbed a four table but I placed my bag on the seat beside me and everyone took one look at Luca and carried on walking. I looked out the window absently. “Luca, the only reason I follow you is to find an answer. But since you don’t know it, it makes things harder.” I take a packet of crisps out of my bag, open them and offer him one. “It’s just really hard. I’m tearing you to pieces I know I am and that tears me because I don’t know whether to stay or go.”
“Answer to what?” He queried pushing my hand back and I began eating them, pausing only to talk. “Do you want me, or not?”
"Oh... Sorry. Believe me, I wish I knew too." Yeah, if it was me saying that this would be a whole different thing altogether. Oh well, I guess it’s not and ifs and buts don’t get no one, nowhere.
"Why do you hate me so much?" I made myself blunt, it was a question I wanted an answer to, along with the one that was to follow after he answered.
"You confuse me. I came across you by accident and that little accident has disrupted my life so much I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Not that I really knew anyways, but you know what I mean." I do and his predicament was understandable.
"Why do you like me?" Simple pros and cons nothing else. I wanted to weigh it up for myself. I crunched up the empty packet and leant round to place my packet in the bin.
"You're the first person to be my real friend in a long time. Rayn used to be, when we were kids, but when he discovered drugs he just... changed. Ugh."
"Right," I nodded, "And why am I still here?" It was a conclusive question. I wasn’t sure he knew the answer; I think I phrased it wrong.
"You're insane, that's why." I knew that was coming. I delved into my back again, taking out a bottle of water.
"Let me put it another way. Why did you want me back so badly when I threatened... when I almost left?" There, that was a better question; a question that would lead me to my answer.
"I... I'm not sure. Because you make me feel good, you're there for me and the thought that you might not have been was... worse than knowing you let Ben in your pants, to be honest. Well, you make me feel good when I'm not pinning you up against the wall or having a craving."
"Please stop referring to that, I feel bad about it as it is." He apologised and I sighed; “now I’ll make you a deal.”
"I'll pay for both the apartment and the house and you could even pick out the apartment as long as I get to pick the house." I smiled, but I placed my arms folded across the table rather seriously.
"You can pick the house, sure, but I won't need an apartment. Not unless you want me to live somewhere else," he shrugged, "but Newberry will probably already have a major dealer, and as much as I like fighting, I've had enough of fighting over who's the better dealer."
"You're going to give up drugs?"
"That's not what I said. I meant I'll not be running the business. Someone else will."
"So you're not going to give up the business any part of it?"
"I'll probably end up in a similar arrangement to the one I had with Si... if you even know what that was."
"I don't want to know." He sighed and looked out the window, "Look, just don't get hurt and don't bring business to the house and I'll be fine with it." I smiled, grasping his hand.
"I wasn't planning on bringing it into the house," he muttered.
"And getting hurt?"
"Last time I came off worse in a fight was when I was ten." Well that’s nice, it’s also nice to know that he was fighting when he was ten. Although, knowing Luca he was probably fighting when he was three.
"Hmm, I suppose it's reassuring in a way." I half laughed. "Luca, how can I make this up to you?" I smiled weakly, folding my arms tightly across my chest.
"Make what up to me?"
"This, starting a whole new life despite the fact you hate change. Sitting for me to make those paintings knowing you hate it.” I gestured to my backpack and the brown wrapped paintings attached to them. “Always allowing me to come back to you despite knowing you hate me."
"You don't need to. Unless I have a brain transplant or suddenly discover how to live differently, I figure it'll be much the same just in a new place, right? Even that won't be too different. Towns are all the same. Sitting for you is okay as long as I don't get bored or unnerved by it. And I don't completely hate you, after all. I'll get over it one day."
“Waiting for that one day throughout an eternity, I look forward to it."
"Gonna be a long wait, I think. I just hope that the one day makes the wait worth it." He sighed.
"I don't think it will matter."
"Life will just be the same. You can't like me. You won't if you do ever, which is highly doubtful, life wouldn't be any different."
"You know I'm right." He shrugged, “Humph."
"You just make it sound like it's completely impossible for me to change, like I'll always be a drugged up loser who can't love."
"Because it is you that refuse to accept change."
"I want to, though. I just find it hard," he sounded upset but for once I didn’t care, I felt really cold.
I let myself head-butt the table. "Sure. Well I will be awaiting your definite answer with impatience."
I looked up when I smelt burning to see Luca burning the side of the table with his lighter. "Sorry," he mumbled.
"Stop this honey. I hate you apologising all the time."
"Don't call me honey,"
"That's just as bad." He grumbled. It wasn’t Nigh, sorry to confuse I just wanted to anger him. I figured him being angry was better than him being upset.
I raised a brow, “Baby?"
"Ugh. Patronising me isn't going to get us anywhere."
"I figured angry is better than upset." I shrugged, damn it; how could I make things better?
"Because that makes sense," he rolled his eyes.
"It does. I'd rather die than be tortured in my head forever. So... how can I get us somewhere?" I sighed. I was really tired, really bored.
"You're the clever one here, not me." Luca... honestly, you need better self-confidence.
"Okay, why won't you accept love? How come when I say I love you, you hate it?"
"I don't know it just freaks me out."
He thought for a moment, "Bad memories attached to those words, I guess."
"I told you about my mom and Emily already," he mutters with a frown, of course.
"Do you want me to stop saying it?"
"I don't know." I hate those words, "It’s up to you." They’re worse.
"No it's not." He shrugged, "Luca you're impossible." He was silent and I sighed, banging my head on table again. "And suddenly I want to leave all over again.
"It's not my fault you're asking questions I can't answer, Gemme...Nigh, whatever."
"I'm trying to help but you. Are. One. Giant. CIRCLE!" I growled, holding my head in my hands. He went back to burning the table and my eyes flashed dangerously. "Argh!" I growled, causing half the people on the carriage to start muttering about headaches or a strange high-pitched noise.
"If you still want to leave, then I'll get off at the next stop. No points in making you give other people headaches that I can't be bothered to heal away."
I ran my fingers through my hair frustrated and muttered under my breath. "I just want to die." I growled as the noise stopped, this was a little drastic. "I don't want to be a zodiac, I don't want to live forever and I don't want this... this curse!"
"You and me both," what? Suddenly I just wanted to hit him. I have no idea where this anger came from; this rage... it was overpowering.
"You think you have it tough? Damn it you made things harder for yourself." You and your bloody drugs, "I get stuck with fate," everything bad happens to me!
"Oh yeah, because we all know that I chose to be a total screw up. I totally signed up to emotional problems and mental drug addictions. Sure. It's not like I'm saying you don't have it shit too, but hey, I didn't exactly want to be a zodiac either."
"You don't have a power that turns you into a psychopath that should be in a mental asylum, with mental powers that every time I allow myself to show loads of emotion I affect everyone around me! You can't kill someone you love by accident! Then kill someone you love three times on purpose! Damn it you have it bad do you?" I breathed softly. "Do you?" I murmured, burying my head in my arms in defeat. "Do... you?"
I just was never someone to go to a support group and cry out everything; “my father used to beat me for making my mummies head explode and I used to kill my brother every time he tried to solve the problem, in the end my brother killed daddy and we ran away. But then I got followed and killed by these men hunting zodiacs and then I and my brother got split up.” Boo-ho, I’m sure you feel sorry for me so now can we just please move on?
"Hmm, let me see. If it weren't for being a zodiac, my mom wouldn't have felt the need to be a parent in absentia, I wouldn't have killed her in that car crash, I would have died a long time ago, I wouldn't have killed my girlfriend and I wouldn't have turned my best mate into a drug addict." he paused with an irritated sigh. "Why don't we just call it even and get on with not being able to die?"
"Argh!" I growled slamming my fist into the table, making it shake. "Deal." He said nothing which only seemed to add to my anger. “And beneath it all you are a coward.”
"Shut up," he growled.
"Oh struck chords have I?” I muttered in the most annoying tone possible. Or have I found the truth?"
"Don't you think I have a reason to be afraid? I'm seventeen and already I've lost count of how many people I've killed, whether I meant to or not, mostly because of my powers. Of course I’m afraid of it. But you can fuck off if you think its cowardice!"
"Huh, then little boy you need to grow up quickly. This world is not going to wait for you." I spat.
"Stop fucking patronizing me," he snarled, leaning forward and slapping me across the face before I had a chance to react.
"Ugh." I moaned, rubbing my face. "I needed that." It woke me up; as if I had been sleeping the whole time I was insulting him,
"I didn't mean to do that..."
"It's fine. Really, I deserved it." Thinking back I really deserved it. What the hell just happened?
"Fuck's sake!" he growled, punching the edge of the table.
"Calm down, I'm sorry." I muttered, bringing my knees up to my chest.
"I'm turning into my dad," he laughed weakly, rubbing his forehead.
"Heh, I just pray you don't turn into mine." I muttered quickly, "C'mon, this is our stop." He got up swiftly at my words and I noticed the black spot of melted plastic where he had been burning. I hugged him tightly and briefly, kissing his cheek softly. "Sorry." I whispered into his ear before I picked up my bag, throwing it over my shoulders.
"Its fine, I aggravated you in the first place." I nodded and jumped off the train. New beginning, what happened on the train is history. This will be the new me. I crossed my fingers. The new us.