I didn't stop long at the apartment. Only long enough to pack my drugs and money in my bag, take a clean top to wrap it all up in and then I leave. I don't shut the door. The junkies can do what they like with the place.
As I walk, I call Rayn.
"Hey man, what's up?" he asks as he answers the phone.
"Hey, Rayn. Just thought I should let you know I'm moving out of town." I tell him, following my feet to the train station. I just hope Gemme doesn't turn up this time to stop me again. Having said that, after what she said to me a few minutes ago, I don't think that she'll be about to stop me.
"Police after you again?" he laughs, apparently remembering the last time the police were after me. The time before I beat four of them up when Gemme had to get me out of jail.
"Yeah, but I don't think they're gonna give in so easily this time. I'll see you around," it's easier to lie.
"Sure. Get your ass back soon, yeah?"
"Yeah. See ya," I hang up and find myself looking at the train timetable. Twenty five minutes. Twenty five minutes to sit and wonder what Gemme meant by "good bye". Twenty five minutes to get myself even more confused.
Because firstly, I have no idea why I snapped like that. I really wish I hadn't, but if Gemme hadn't meant it the first time she told me I'm just a son of a bitch or whatever it was she actually said, I'm sure she would mean it if she said it again.
Why me? Why am I such a fucking retard? One minute I'm spontaneously hugging her and the next thing I know, I'm in a mood and I'm taking it out on her. I sit on the floor and hug my knees to my chest, leaning back on the wall. I let my eyes unfocus and I'm instantly in my quiet space. The world slows down and stops existing, and just the blank white walls of nothingness enclose me.
And I guess this is why I didn't notice the other person arrive on the platform at first. That and the fact that the bench is kinda in the way. Want to know who that person is?
"Why can't you leave me alone?" she cries, noticing me. Her voice crashes around in my head, bouncing off those white walls, staining them with her face. I look up slowly. The walls begin to fade and the world returns. Twenty minutes til the train arrives.
"What...?" I blink and it clicks that there's a bag on her back. Good bye, huh? "What d'you mean? I was here first. If anything, I should be asking you that."
"Damn it you have everything here, your business, your friends. I have nothing anymore. Plus you're not the one that has sold your home to start anew!" Christ, I'm not in the mood to argue with you, Gemme.
"Everything? What do you think I had here? A bunch of shitty memories, a business that was bankrupt before it could start and if you think I had any real friends while I was here, then you're deluded." Stop lying, Luca, a small voice in the back of my head says, Gemme was a real friend and if you have any balls, you'll salvage that friendship before it rides off in a train to god knows where.
"I never said real friends, but what are you going to do? You have no money, nothing!" Oh, so you expect me to keep putting up with dicks like Benny?
"I don't know. The plan was get on a train and not come back. Except it looks like you were thinking the same. And I have the money I got from one night's dealing plus that money Leo gave me. I'm not exactly what you would call short on cash." I remind her, feeling a small sting of irritation rising in me. White walls, white walls, where did you go?
"Ha. I still have more. But still, I suppose the question is do we go somewhere different or the same place?" Oh that's it. Rub it in that you're the rich bitch around here.
"Thirty grand is still more than enough to live on." I mutter, looking back out over the tracks as I consider the answer to her question. "I dunno. Up to you. This platform goes towards Burton, the other platform on the other side of the tracks goes somewhere else, I can't remember where." Never needed to go that way before.
"I choose you, Luca. Whether you believe it or not. The other station goes to Newberry." Of course I knew it went to Newberry. I was just testing you... She sits on the bench and puts her bag on the floor between her feet.
"I..." Say it. "I'm sorry. For snapping." I pause and take a deep breath. I hate apologising. Meaning it somehow makes it harder. "Really. I don't know what happened." I drop my gaze to my knees and sigh.
"Stop. You don't need to apologise. Someone once told me everything we do is a part of our past forever. But it's in the past, so it doesn't matter." I smile weakly at her words, and nod, but I can't look up at her and meet her gaze.
"I know, I just didn't want you to think I meant it... And I s'pose I was trying to get you to push me away and get me out of your life, because I didn't want to do that to you, ‘cept now I've done it and..." I trail off, not really knowing what else to say.
Ten minutes til the train arrives... Ten minutes to save what's left of this.
But can I do it?
"Luca, I know I'm making you worse with this so I'll just go. I'm sorry for ever coming into your life in the first place." No... Don't be sorry, Gemme. I look up and shake my head. I can't make the words come out. She gets up again and puts her bag back on her back, and I realise I haven't got even ten minutes. She turns and takes a step.
"Don't go." I whisper, wishing I could just say it. "Please." Because I've come to rely on you to keep me clinging to sanity. You confuse the hell out of me, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to be around you, and I know I'm a fucking idiot, I hurt you and you forgive me, and I never mean to hurt you in the first place. But I don't know how I can cope anymore without knowing you're there for me.
Gemme stops, but she doesn't say anything, and she doesn't turn to look at me.
And I don't know what to say, because the words in my head won't come out.
"Please stay." My voice cracks slightly, and I swallow, wishing those words would come out and stop her from going, but they won't, I don't know how to make them.
"Luca. You don't want me here." She says and I don't know what to say to that.
So I don't.
"I'm sorry. Truly I am." She starts walking again and I can't speak.
My mouth goes dry as she walks and I watch her go.
And I don't stop her.
I don't know how.