Why is life so confusing? Why is it, when you think you're just there, doing what you do best, believing that this is it, blah, blah, and then suddenly a chance meeting and a couple of spontaneous choices later and everything is changing and you can't tell if it's a good change or not.
I know I look like a tramp, sat outside the Wal-Mart on the floor with a beer and a headache from thinking too much, but I don't really care much. If anyone starts throwing their money at me thinking I'm a homeless bum, I'll take the money and shoot their fucking heads off.
I am not in the mood.
I really don't get it anymore. I missed Gemme in that short time, knowing she was with Ben, but I'm getting the urge to run away all over again, because I hate the way she makes me feel.
You must think I'm a total nutcase. I probably am. Maybe I should go to a shrink. Except if they patronised me, I'd probably end up hitting them.
Closing my eyes, I lean my head back on the wall and put my beer on the floor, trying to clear my head again.
But I can't. I want to go away, I want to stay. I want to change how I am, yet I want to go back to how I was. Most of all I'd quite like to crawl away and die somewhere, but that's not gonna happen, so y'know...
Opening my eyes, I wonder what to do now. I can't make up my mind about anything. Fuck's sake. I get up and decide to let my feet take me somewhere.
And of course, I end up at Gemme's house.
But there's a guy just leaving...
My eyebrow shoots up incredulously. She says she missed me, and now there's some randomer coming out of her house. Have the last couple of days turned her into a complete whore or something?
Oddly, I don't get the urge to beat the shit out of him. I do get the urge to hit her, though. I don't even know why. I swallow and take a deep breath before going any further, because the image of Emily at the bottom of those stairs is in my head now as I feel that same cold anger rising in my chest and burning through my stomach making me feel sick.
I don't want to go in, and I don't want to end up in a huge fight about it, and I don't want to hurt her, but my legs are moving against my own will, taking me up to the door, my fist banging against the wood that separates me from Gemme.
"Yeah?" she asks, opening the door. She hesitates slightly as she sees the expression on my face. "What have I done?" I thump a hand on her chest near the base of her throat and push her back inside, closing the door behind me without touching it.
"Who was he?" my tone is lower than usual and I can feel my face contorting into a mask of concentrated rage. I don't know why. Why am I doing this?
"James, he wanted me to draw him a tattoo." She chokes, struggling to keep her voice calm. It's an innocent enough answer, and it should be enough to satisfy me, but it doesn't and I'm not convinced.
"Oh sure." I spit, shoving her up against the wall, my free hand balling into a fist. "A tattoo. And what did you really give him?" Why can't I stop the anger?
"A tattoo." She replies.
"I don't believe you." I'm almost shouting now.
"Well, he got my address from the tattoo place. If you still don't believe me I can show you." A faint glimmer of fear in her eyes ignites a whole new set of sickening feelings - a savage feeling of winning, gratification and dominance. Everything I felt when Emily fell.
"I don't fucking care! You missed me while you were with Ben? What a load of shit that was! And I believed it! Fuck you." I yell. My mind is blank, the words coming out of my mouth haven't got much of an input from my brain. They're just coming from nowhere. And I can't seem to make them stop.
"I did miss you Luca! I did and when you left me last night even when you promised you came back I missed you. But not as much because you know what? I trusted you. I believed in your word." Do I believe that? I don't know. I'm so confused, and I don't want to be doing this. I lift her away from the wall a little and slam her back into it. Why?
"Don't bullshit me." I snarl.
"I'm not. I missed you, I did. I still do, I'm sorry. For whatever it is that I have done I'm sorry. James is nothing to me. Ben was nothing to me." She protests. I blink and though the nauseating anger pulsing through me doesn't fade, I manage to make myself step back. She can't move, though, held up against the wall by my telekinesis still, hence why nothing's flying around.
I really wanna punch her.
Taking another deep breath, I keep myself from letting my fist bury itself in her stomach. I shake my head and without another word, I slam out of the house, running whichever direction I happen to face.
Why did I do that?