I knew how uncomfortable it made him, what you think me saying I need to get dressed was just a coincidence when he was thinking it? Come on, you’re smarter than that... I think. Anyway, I finished getting dressed as he walked into the bathroom and I disappeared into my own room for a moment, “damn it. I’ve tried so hard, so god damn hard to adapt.” I cried to myself as I looked at myself in the mirror, my miss-matched eyes staring back at me their warm glow seemed to smile back at me. I shook my head softly, I needed a haircut. My hair was already down to my rear and it needed cutting. Perhaps I would go out today with my new found wealth, get a haircut, buy some new clothes to show off my back tattoo and change, I was sick of being the loving, caring, shy Gemme.
I had taken my top off again and was staring absently at the tattoo through a mirror reflecting the mirror’s image, “Gemme?” I heard him call, I replied with a simple “yeah?” Like he could follow my voice, “"Thought you'd run off on me. Where are you?" I put the mirror on the shelf again and sighed. “My room,” I replied. "Um... Can I come in, or would you rather I went downstairs or something?”
“You can come in if you want to." I put my top back on and practiced smiling for a moment, although I knew I couldn’t deceive him.
"Well do you want me to? It's your room, after all."
"Yeah, come in." I nodded.
He pushed open the door, popping his head round it to check before he walked in properly. "You... okay?"
"I'm fine." I smiled weakly. "I think I need a haircut, what do you think?" I asked absently.
"Don't try to distract me. What's up?"
"Nothing, really," you don’t normally care? Stop it please...
"Why won't you tell me?"
"Why do you want to know so badly?" I countered.
"Was it something you saw in my head?" he asked darkly, damn it why do you really want to know Luca?
"A thought you heard, then. I know you hear them, and I know you said you wouldn't listen in, but the thing about that is, I can't tell whether you're listening or not. It's completely different to when you go inside my mind."
"Luca, your mind is a horrible, dark and cold place and searching for your powers scared the hell outta me. I heard, since then everything you have thought." I turned to him, "are you happy now?" My tone wasn’t cold or angry, more upset.
He was quiet for a while, but he wasn't angry; nothing was rattling. "I'm sorry." he murmured, turning to leave.
"No Luca." I grabbed his arm. "No, don't,"
"The further away your brother is, the less you hear his thoughts. I figure it'd work the same for me, right? So isn't it... I dunno, safer, if I just go? I mean, if my head is so scary, you wouldn't wanna hear it all the time, would you?"
"No Luca..." I shook my head fiercely. "Please." I begged, tightening my grip on his arm slightly. But he shook me off, his eyes hard. "You shouldn't have to hear all the shit that goes on in my head."
"I don't! It was only then, when you had no powers, when you were scared, lost and upset!" I shook my head again refusing to believe it. "Luca, we have come so far don't do this now!"
"But you've heard everything since."
"Because I've been weak, I haven't had the strength to stop listening Luca you will hurt me more if you leave."
"I don't want you to have to hear it!" He nearly shouted. "What you saw was just a snapshot, a glimpse inside, regardless of how much you feel you saw! You don't need... you can't have that in your life."
"Luca, why are you doing this now, why now!?" I shouted, almost in tears, he said he didn't want to hurt me. Like hell. What did he think he was doing now?
"I should have done it sooner! I would have but I was dragged back! I’m always fucking dragged back!"
"By what, because it's not me?!" Damn it, I won’t cry. I can’t cry, damn it I can’t help it. The tears, the burning sensation in my head, damn it stupid powers.
"By me! I can spend the rest of my life blaming others for my faults but it'll always be me."
"Then why are you hurting me so much?"
"Because I'm a dick. I hardly ever feel anything for anyone, and you were one of the unlucky ones that I ended up feeling something for. It... It shouldn't have happened, and I'm sorry I let it happen."
"Luca, I'm not unlucky; if anything I am one of the more lucky ones for seeing something so rare in you! Just please don't go." How many times must I plead with him not to leave me?
"No, no! You don't get it, you're not getting it are you? I've destroyed the people I felt something for; never wondered why I have no one but a drug dealer and Rayn, and now you?"
"You haven't destroyed me. But Luca, if you want to, go, If you want to live up to yourself made destiny and destroy everyone you meet you walk out that door and you destroy the last person that will ever get in your way." I can’t do this anymore; these circles are driving me insane, they are making me weak.
His hands clutched at his hair as an irritable growl rattled through his teeth. "This is impossible. Destroy you if I stay, destroy you if I go..."
"No, save me if you stay destroy me if you go. It is my choice whether I let you destroy me or not. But if you go I won't be able to stop myself from breaking down." I shook my head, moving so I could sit down on the bed, I couldn't stand on my own anymore, this was all too much I felt my leg go weak and I lowered myself onto the bed, still maintaining my gaze on him.
"You have no idea, Gemme. It's not like I want to leave. I just don't want to break you, and know that I did it."
"If you don't want to leave then don't. I'm stronger than Rayn and all those others! You will have quite a fight to break me." Did he honestly think I was some pathetic drug abuser? No, I knew that even if he tried he could not break me. He hadn’t yet despite his previous words.
He exhaled heavily, sinking to the floor. His mind was raging, confused and desperate and angry. "I wouldn't even have to try. I've done nothing good for you, but you can't seem to cope with the idea of me not being here. Gemme, I'm already breaking you, and I hate it, I can't stop it and I don't want to do any more damage!"
"Luca, I'm tired of arguing okay? Just figure out what you want and do it hmm, forget about what will happen to me for a moment. What do you want?"
"I want lots of things, but they all conflict. Drugs, money, sex, violence, to be left alone, to have somewhere to live, but I want to- to learn how to not destroy everything around me, how to love and be loved, to be able to stop craving the things that should have killed me by now. And you. I want you but I don't know how I can have you..."
"You already had me."
"I'm not making sense. I meant I want to have you and keep you safe from everything else that I want. I don't know how to do that."
"Nothing else you wanted has hurt me yet, not without it being my fault as well."
"It's not direct. More like what it does to me and then in turn what I end up doing to you."
"Luca, you're welcome to stay here as long as you want but," I slipped off the bed, crouching down on the floor in front of Luca, "but in order to help you I need to know what you want."
"I already told you what I want," he whispered, glancing at me and then looking away, fixing his eyes on the floor.
I pushed his head up to gaze into his eyes, I don't know what I was looking for but I searched them anyway. "Luca, I can help you with that. I can. You just have to let me." I kissed his cheek softly before raising my hands. "No powers I promise."
"Please don't go in my head again," he almost whimpered, recoiling just a little.
"I said no powers didn't I?" I sighed, "But I think the main thing you need to work on is your fear of being touched."
His face twisted into self-disgust at the word 'fear'. "I'm so pathetic," he smiled weakly, gazing at his hands as his fingers fiddled with the hem of his shirt.
"You are not. In fact if I remember correctly you hugged me earlier."
"Gemme, you can't deny that my entire existence has been a complete waste so far."
"Can and will. Luca you have given me so much, more than what you could think of.”
“Of course you would deny it," he muttered, half rolling his eyes, "you're the most stubborn person in this godforsaken town."
"But you love me for it." I giggled, I couldn't help myself.
"I still don't believe its love," he murmured softly, almost sadly.
"I didn't mean it like that but, I know. You probably never will and I will face that but I will still teach you all you need to know; you just have to ask."
"Then you're not just crazy, you're an idiot too," he frowned.
"Thanks." I mumbled, sitting back on my knees. Glad he thinks a lot of me. "Well, tell me. What do you want to learn?" I asked softly, trying to change the subject from my idiocy; as much as I loved that topic.
"I don't know. I hadn't thought it through. I was leaving just ten minutes ago..." his eyes dropped to the floor, embarrassed.
"Shows how persuasive I can be, but you can still leave if you wish."
"I already said I don't want to leave. It's not like it was a decision I made just so I could get out of being hugged randomly."
"Well that was my second plan out the window." I grinned
"What was that?" he asked, arching an eyebrow questioningly, I flung my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly; plan two. Taken aback, he stiffened predictably and instantly, a couple of pens jumping on the desk as I took him by surprise. "Umm... boo? Did I scare you or something?"
"Sorry," he muttered, not relaxing at all.
"Why won't you relax?"
“I... dunno. I'm not really in the best frame of mind for surprises." He mumbled, this time attempting to make his body relax.
"Okay... I'm sorry." I sighed, resting my hands on his legs. "Well, would it be better if I asked before I hugged you?"
He growled wordlessly, thumping his head back against the wall so he was looking up at the ceiling. "You shouldn't have to ask, though. Even I know that one."
"If it makes you feel better." I shrugged, "perhaps then we'll move up from hugs." Instantly I knew how wrong that sounded, all I meant was that after he feels okay with hugs perhaps we could move on to kisses. His eyebrow quirked up again, wordlessly questioning me.
"I meant when you have gotten used to hugs perhaps we could move up to something else."
"You mean I have to get over the hugging thing before I get anything more... or am I not getting it?"
"I'm not going to take that away from you, although that could use some work too...” I trailed for a moment, “I mean being kissed; it still makes you freeze up too.”
"I dunno what to do!" He paused, blushing a little. "It sounds so stupid out loud though..."
"You've kissed me back enough times, you do know just make it softer; not quite so firm." I laughed; I never imagined teaching him this. He smiled, embarrassed and looked back at the ceiling again. "Here." I took his head in my hands, moving it down I kissed him; first of all lustfully then made it become softer. Except that I guess the lustful beginning to the kiss confused him a little, because when he kissed back, he didn't match me as I softened the contact. I wrapped my arms around his neck for a while before breaking away. "Okay, I've established you're a good kisser." I laughed, "but soften it a little."
"Yeah, like this." I mumbled, kissing him softly, but still lovingly. I couldn't help the latter of the two however; it always came so naturally. This time, he managed to pretty much match the pressure, but I couldn't help but notice the hint of frustration as he held back. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, nothing, I'm just not used to kissing like that." He shrugged.
"You seemed frustrated, which do you prefer?" To be honest, I wasn’t sure which one I preferred.
“What do you mean?" he asked a little hesitantly. It wasn’t a trick question.
"How do you prefer to do it?"
"Well I dunno. You're the only one I've ever really kissed."
"And I you but I want you to be comfortable. I don't mind either way.” In fact I think I preferred the firmer kisses, although it normally led to something else. He shrugged and I kissed him again, returning to the firmer kisses. "Just don't leave me, okay?"
"Just don't let me hurt you," he murmured, his eyes pressed closed as if just by looking at me he'd break me.
"I won't." I smiled. "You can look at me you know, I won't turn to stone."
"I'm trying to make my brain shut up." His voice fell to a whisper against the raging conflictions in his mind.
"What's it saying?"
"You're the mind reader here. You'd probably make more sense of the mess I call my mind than I can."
"No powers." I repeated, holding up my hands in surrender.
"Mmm... In that case, it's repeating the things I've already said, about how I want to learn about love, my doubts in love, how my addictions and cravings seem like they will always over shadow my life, how I want to keep you safe from that and what it does to me..."
"You're so sweet." I smiled. "But I suppose with the addictions; without using my powers, you just need to either get addicted to something weaker or go cold turkey."
"Ah, but none of it is physical. I can heal that away, but I can't heal away mental pain. You've seen enough of what's inside my head to understand why I do it."
"Yeah, that's why my powers could help but you won't thank me for it."
He swallowed uncomfortably, his breath catching a little as he shook his head. "You're welcome to wipe my memory, but other than that, I'd really rather you didn't go in there again. For your sake and mine,"
"It won't wipe your memory, just cancel the thing that makes you want to smoke, take drugs etc, unless you would prefer your smoking addiction intact."
"Drugs are all I know, aside from violence... I dunno if it would be such a good idea to take it away, really. I'd be worse than useless and... god, I really don't want to face what's inside my head." he finished in a whisper that sounded afraid. To him, the world outside and whatever was out there waiting for him was nothing compared to what he would have to face inside of his own mind.
"I personally would say that would be the best thing to do but baby steps right?"
He made a slight noise that I couldn't tell if it was a quiet cough or a slight sob. "Right."
I grasped his hand. "I'll be here for you though, you know that right?" He nodded, "Luca..." I mumbled, hugging him for the sake of a hug. He seemed to need it. His arms wrapped around my waist tightly, tighter than he had hugged me before, and he let his head rest on my shoulder. "Sorry," he mumbled. "Don't worry about it." I whispered back, resting my head on his shoulder, I'll always be here for you Luca...
P.S: If you get this far when reading it I'll give you a medal.